44 Things I Would Never Say If I Weren’t a Parent

A lot has been written on how different the lives of parents are from the lives of those who don’t have kids or non-parents.  So, I figure why not write more on the subject?  After all, I’m a parent, I have endless free time.

I have two kids, a 4-year-old and a baby.  Obviously, the things I do on a daily basis are very different than the things done by non-parents.  For example, a non-parent might come home at the end of a long day, relax, have some dinner, maybe go out with friends.  I come home, feed my children, eat, clean the children, diaper the baby, and try to use reason and bribes to convince the 4-year-old, who often seems immune to such things, to get ready for bed.

But aside from obvious lifestyle differences like that, one thing I noticed lately is that the things parents and non-parents say in our daily lives are different.  I’ve noticed that I say a lot of things that I never would have said if I wasn’t a parent.  So, I thought I’d share some examples.

Here are 44 things I’ve often said in a typical week that I never would have said if I wasn’t a parent:

1. “Be gentle with the baby!”
2. “Don’t sit on the baby…  Oh, he’s laughing?  I guess it’s okay then.”
3. “No more green beans till you finish your mac and cheese.”  (Yes, that is the correct quote.  My kids can be awesome.)
4. “Where did your pants go?!  You were just dressed!”
5. “Don’t hit the china cabinet with your shoe.”
6. “I didn’t ask you to put down the toy just so you’d pick up another toy!”
7. “It’s time to poop.”
8. “You need to at least try.”
9. “Sure, I’d love to wipe your tush.”
10. “Back in the bathroom!  You need to wash your hands!”
11. “Did I ask if you wanted to do it?!”
12. “I can’t go out at 7 PM, it’s bedtime.”
13. “Feet off the table!”
14. “Don’t sit in the playpen if you don’t want to play with the baby.”
15. “Please don’t use your fingers…  That’s why we gave you a fork and spoon!”
16. “Why are you still in your pajamas?!”
17. “No, you can’t have one more minute.  I already gave you one more minute!”
18. “No, it’s not okay to stick the case of a toy sword in the baby’s face.”
19. “No, I don’t care if he likes it.”
20. “Because it’s dangerous.”
21. “Because we don’t have time.”
22. “Because that’s what I asked you to do.”
23. “Because you weren’t behaving.”
24. “Because I’m tired.”
25. “Because that’s what you asked me to do!”  (It’s amazing how upset kids can sometimes get when you do exactly what they just asked you to do.)
26. “I have an idea, let’s play “Abba Says.”  Abba says, put your pajamas on!”
27. “I know, we’ll do magic!  I’m going to close the door, count to 10, say abracadabra, and then you’ll be in pajamas!”
28. “If you do it, you’ll be on track for a big treat!”
29. “Stop!  Don’t stick your shoe in your brother’s face!”
30. “Hey look, the baby decided to be a human Dry Swiffer.”
31. “Don’t roll over!  I’m in the middle of changing your diaper!”
32. “Yes, I’m proud that you learned how to stand too.  But again, I’m in the middle of changing your diaper!”
33. “Not again, he woke up ridiculously early yesterday.”
34. “If you want it, why do you keep dropping it on the floor?  Are you just testing gravity?!”
35. “Is this a problem that can be solved by a pacifier?”
36. “Why is there food in your hair?”
37. “Why are you crying?”
38. “But I just changed your diaper.”
39. “Why are their Cheerios inside your Onesie?”
40. “Stop!  Don’t put that in your mouth!”
41. “Yup, gravity still works!”
42. “Actually, that’s out of your reach for a reason.”
43. “We’re trying to take a nice family picture here.  Why is it impossible to get you both to smile and look at the camera at the same time?”
44. “Stop!  Don’t climb on the table!”