Gary Epstein
And now for something completely different . . .

A Bit Less Ambulatory; More Confused Than Ever


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Dear God: In lieu of keeping the Sabbath and eating only kosher food, a donation in your name has been made to Jewish Voice for Palestine. We are sure that’s what You really wanted us to do.

Dear Parents: In lieu of honoring you in accordance with biblical precepts, a donation has been made in your name to Planned Parenthood. We are really sure that’s what you wish you had done.

Joe Biden told Israel how to conduct its existential war against annihilation in the way most calculated to assure its defeat and his own election. Chuck Schumer told Israel to replace its duly elected government. Jake Sullivan, the as yet unindicted Democrat Party operative in charge of National Security and Islamist appeasement, accused Israel of . . . wait for it . . . interfering with American politics.

Confused? Stay with me.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez said, in public, at a committee meeting, that violation of the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act (RICO) of 1970 was not a crime. She also said that being ignorant as a rock should not disqualify her for higher elective office, because most of the people in her district were also morons, and morons deserve appropriate representation. She accused Israel of Jeanocide, the wanton destruction of denim pants, an act that she opposes in the strongest terms because she thinks her butt looks good in denim pants.

Robert F. Kennedy IX selected the environmentalist Nicole Shanahan to be his running mate.  She has never before run for political office. She did, however, astutely marry and more astutely divorce Google co-founder Sergey Brin.  If elected,  she will buy everyone in America a Tesla.  Said Kennedy of the woman who will be a heartbeat away from the leadership of the free world if he wins, “Hey, she’s better than Kamala.”  When it was pointed out to him that this is also true of the majority of fire hydrants, Kennedy said, “But she has sooooooooo much money.”

It turns out that Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, who replaced Kevin McCarthy because McCarthy was insufficiently conservative, is himself insufficiently conservative. So Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene wants to get rid of him.  When advised that her actions could result in the selection of a liberal Democrat as Speaker of the House, Greene replied that being a moron should not disqualify her for higher elective office, because most of the people in her district were also morons, and morons deserve representation on both sides of the aisle.

Not yet confused?  Just wait.

Joe Biden said that the boat that knocked down that bridge in Baltimore was a MAGA boat and promised (as though it were his money being pledged) to pay every penny of the costs to repair the bridge, with the proviso that only union-built electric cars, manufactured in Dearborn, Michigan and purchased by wealthy former college students who have had their student loans repaid by taxes on working people, would be allowed to drive across the bridge. Then he toddled off the stage, singing “Baltimore Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down . . . just like me.”

Karine Jean-Pierre lost her patience with a radio interviewer who asked whether President Biden had dementia.  She said that she couldn’t believe he was asking such an incredibly offensive question.  She said that any lapses in memory, incoherence, stumbling, hair-smelling, lack of awareness of where he is, who he is, or what’s going on, falling down, and propensity for addressing deceased European leaders, are all attributable to his understandable fatherly concern as to whether Hunter is going to be able to deliver the full 10% owed to the president, given Hunter’s mounting legal bills.  Asked to list Biden’s three greatest accomplishments, Jean-Pierre pointed out, three times, that, ya know, Biden was of Irish descent.

The United Nations Security Council passed a resolution calling for an immediate ceasefire in Gaza, without linking the ceasefire to a release of the hostages taken by Hamas. The United States abstained, allowing the resolution to pass.  This is a capitulation to Hamas, which is basically a wholly owned subsidiary of Iran and the UNRWA. Six of the hostages are American citizens. One hundred thousand Palestinian sympathizers in Michigan.  Six hostages.  Joe had it all worked out on his fingers and toes.

All he needed to say was, “Hamas started this war in a most barbaric and criminal manner.  Hamas may end the war by releasing the hostages and surrendering unconditionally.  Until it does so, Israel will have our full support, as I unequivocally promised when the war started.”  That’s all he needed to say.

Donald Trump may have inflated the value of his properties when applying for mortgages. He may have raped a woman in the dressing room of a New York department store, and later defamed his victim.  He may also have defamed Georgia election workers.  He may have encouraged or engaged in an insurrection or unlawful assembly that resulted in the death of police officers and the disruption of government activities.  He may have mishandled classified documents.  He may have unlawfully interfered in elections.  Asked for a comment, the former president said, “Hey, the morons elected Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Marjorie Taylor Greene. Why not me?”

Peter Sellers as Chance the Gardener (Being There, 1970): “There are spring and summer, but there are also fall and winter.  And then spring and summer again.  As long as the roots are not severed, all is well and all will be well.”

Kamala Harris, as Vice-President of the United States of America (2021-20__):  “It’s time for us to do what we have been doing and that time is every day.”  “We were all doing a tour of the library here and talking about the significance of the passage of time, right, the significance of the passage of time.  So, when you think about it, there is great significance  to the passage of time in terms of what we need to do to lay these wires.  What we need to do to create these jobs.  And there is such significance to the passage of time when we think about a day in the life of our children.”  “We will work together, and continue to work together, to address these issues . . . and to work together as we continue to work, operating from the new norms, rules, and agreements, that we will convene to work together . . . we will work on this together.”

Abraham Lincoln, President of the United States of America (1860-1865): “. . . that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain–that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom–and that government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish from the earth.”

It just sort of makes you want to cry.

Rep. Jamaal Bowman has reversed his position on reports that Israeli women were raped during the Hamas terrorist attack on Israel.  He had formerly labeled such accusations “Israeli propaganda.”  He is being challenged in his bid for reelection by a supporter of Israel, and now he acknowledges that Hamas “committed rape and sexual violence, a reprehensible act [sic] that I condemn entirely.”  Bowman, a former high school principal, has also acknowledged that his previously held opinion that one needed to activate a fire alarm in order to exit a government building was similarly erroneous.  As H.L. Mencken said, “Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it, good and hard.”

Once you start quoting Mencken, it is hard to stop:  “Democracy is a pathetic belief in the collective wisdom of individual ignorance.”  “Democracy . . . is a religion.  It is the worship of jackals by jackasses.”  “Every decent man is ashamed of the government he lives under.”  And, apropos of Joe Biden and Michigan, “If a politician found that he had cannibals among his constituents, he would promise them missionaries for dinner.”  Finally, all the more amazing because it was written a century ago, “As democracy is perfected, the office of the president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people.  On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart’s desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron.”

What more is there to say?

Tom Friedman, acknowledging that there is no support in the Middle East for a two-state solution, has again called for . . . a two-state solution.  Peter Beinart (more on him in a future, more serious blog), has suggested that Jews in America will find it increasingly difficult to support Israel or be termed Zionists if they want to continue to be accepted by the Democrat Party, proponents of abortion on demand, fans of Black Lives Matter, or opponents of fossil fuels.  He seems to suggest that abandoning Israel and Zionism, as he has done, is a small price to pay for continued membership in these clubs.  Paul Krugman has told the entire state of Ohio that it is morally and intellectually reprehensible (“What’s The Matter With Ohio?”) for failing to vote as he had instructed them. 

What is the matter with The New York Times?

Who ever imagined that John Fetterman would emerge as the conscience of the Democrat Party in Congress?

Antony Blinken reminded everyone that his step-father was a Holocaust survivor and then suggested that Israel stop fighting to win against the perpetrator of the largest mass murder of the Jews since the Holocaust.  No one asked him whether he thought that his position might appear ironic to some. What is the opposite of a Profile in Courage?  Posterior View of Cringing in Cowardice?

May the hostages be brought home swiftly and safely.  May Israel prevail in its war, on behalf of Western civilization, against the forces of barbarism, savagery, and wickedness.  And may bad things befall those who deserve them by abandoning decency, honor, loyalty, and morality.

About the Author
Gary Epstein is a retired teacher and lawyer residing in Modi'in, Israel. He was formerly the Head of the Global Corporate and Securities Department of Greenberg Traurig, a global law firm with an office in Tel Aviv, which he founded and of which he was the first Managing Partner. He and his wife Ahuva are blessed with18 grandchildren, ka"h, all of whom he believes are well above average. He currently does nothing. He believes he does it well.