Clifford Rosen

A confession I have to make

So Asghar Bukhari reported one of his shoes missing recently. And not surprisingly, he blamed (guess who) the Zionists! It seems like the typical anti-Israel (or anti-semitic) libel. Bukhari got his share of ridicule on social media for his accusations. But the truth is, Bukhari is right. It was me who stole his shoe the other day when I snuck into his home in Britian. I did it on behalf of the Mossad to intimidate him into silence.

This is not the only mission I have fulfilled on behalf of the Mossad. Just this past week, I snuck into Gaza and stole numerous missile launchers from fundamentalist groups there, explaining the lack of rockets fired into Israel the past few days. Just after that, I flew to New York and was responsible for the escape of two convicted murders from the Clinton Correction Facility in Dannemora, NY. These two are still on the loose, part of my plan of distracting the US media from Israeli war crimes against the Palestinians. And as an unexpected pleasant surprise to me, investigators in New York are blaming a female prison guard. A few days later, I snuck into the locker room of the New York Mets at Citi Field in Queens and stole their bats before secretly replacing them bats with Mossad-designed bats designed to magically suck out any talent out of the batter holding it, allowing Chris Heston of the San Francisco Giants to throw a no-hitter. Unfortunately, the motive for this mission cannot be disclosed.

In fact, I have been completing missions for the Mossad for a quite a while now. It was me who assassinated Robert F. Kennedy in 1968, and then we framed some poor innocent Palestinian man named Sirhan Sirhan. I am also the one who murdered Jimmy Hoffa after kidnapping him in Michigan and then proceeded to bury him underneath one of the endzones at the old Giants Stadium in New Jersey. Mr. Hoffa had dirt on the Mossad that we could not afford to go public, so he had to go. I was also responsible for the 1906 San Francisco earthquake, as there were several places in San Francisco that held sensitive information, and thus had to be destroyed. And I’d tell you about the stock market crash of 1929, but it would take me all day to explain it to you, and I unfortunately do not have the time before my next mission, which you will be hearing about in the media soon.

I will also let you in on another Mossad secret. It was the Mossad who built the Statue of Liberty, not the French. And we placed it on Liberty Island in the New York Harbor in order to hide something underneath it. Unfortunately, what is hidden underneath it is a secret so confidential, even I do not know what it is.

Out of all of these missions, there is my greatest one: The independence of the United States of America, knowing that one day it would be the most powerful nation on Earth, a nation secretly controlled by Israel, allowing it commit genocide against the Palestinians.

And finally, last but certainly not least, my most recent successful mission: Stealing the password to the Times of Israel Blog account of some random guy named Clifford Rosen and using his account to convey this confession to all of you. I wonder how long it will be before Mr. Rosen starts accusing the Mossad of stealing his password and gets ridiculed on social media with a #MossadStoleMyPassword hashtag.

About the Author
Cliff, a recent college grad, lives in the NYC borough of Queens. Raised in a reform Jewish household, he now considers himself a secularist Jew who unequivocally support Israel's right to exist and defend itself against its sworn enemies.