A (maybe) valediction

One of the nice things about being retired and writing a blog whenever the spirit moves me is that I have no deadlines. No one pays me. The editors of Times of Israel seem (for some reason) to be content to wait until I submit something to review and publish it. Occasionally one of Ahuva’s friends will ask, “Is Gary OK?  He hasn’t written anything recently.” This should not be mistaken for the expression of some unmet need. They are just concerned about her. Since I voluntarily practice social distancing as an acknowledgment of the former epidemic and in preparation for the next one, my writing is the only way they can tell whether I am still alive, or whether they should be bringing her consolatory casseroles, which, I must confess, would more than compensate for my absence.

But this one is different. I need to start, write, and finish this one posthaste because Iran is about to bomb me. I take this quite personally, not only because it is my person they are about to bomb, but because I think it is wholly unjustified. Moreover, having just finished Anna Karenina and appreciated it much more than when I first read it in college, I was hoping to read War and Peace at my leisure, so being bombed right now would really throw a wrench in the works. Accordingly, I need to transmit my message urgently, just in case there are some cooler heads in Teheran reading this, who might have the ears of the Ayatollah and the Revolutionary Guard (those are the parts sticking out from under the turbans), and could persuade them to stand down.

To the extent that I understand Iran’s stated justification for this contemplated assault on my person, it has no desire to escalate regional tensions, but feels that it must “punish” Israel to “prevent further instability.” Reading between the lines, the “instability” is present because Israel killed Fuad Shukr (pronounced “fuddshucker”) in Beirut and, Iran believes, Ismail Haniyeh (pronounced “murderous embezzling piece of detritus”) in Tehran. The latter was the political head of the terrorist organization, Hamas, and was responsible for thousands of deaths, including the barbaric massacre on October 7. The former was responsible for the death of 241 Marines in Beirut, among many more recent crimes against humanity, and the US had put a $5 million bounty on his head.

It might be argued that eliminating them was a step toward greater stability.  But, somehow, I don’t think that stability in the region is really high on the Iranian wishlist, since it seems single-mindedly focused on financing war and instability. Also, let me be perfectly clear on this: attacking Israel is not likely to promote greater stability, unless you think stability means not being able to travel around Iran because all your refineries have been destroyed and all your electrical grids degraded and all your means of communications eliminated. I understand that that might result in reduced mobility, but being unable to move should not be confused with stability, any more than being dead should be mistaken for a heightened level of stability.

I submit that Iran should view the targeted killing of Shukr and Haniyeh as justifiable homicides and not destabilizing assassinations. Let’s review the recent standards Iran and its proxies have established for killing people, e.g., being a woman with uncovered hair, being gay, being a journalist, attending a music festival, being Jewish and/or Israeli or in proximity to someone who is Jewish and/or Israeli. If these set the threshold criteria for capital punishment, does it really seem destabilizing to eliminate two mass murderers? I keep hearing that Islam is a religion of peace. Perhaps a simple step in the direction of peace might reinforce that notion. Indiscriminate rape, torture, and mass murder (and bombing me and many other innocents) complicate the message.

Imagine the peace dividend Iran and its client states could enjoy if it simply decided to end hostilities with the Jewish State permanently and irrevocably. The United States could continue to provide it with billions of dollars, but it would no longer feel stupid and manipulated while doing so. The Palestinians could use their billions of dollars to build thriving economies and infrastructure, instead of terror tunnels and armaments. Lebanon could once again become the ecumenical paradise of the Middle East and Yemen could go back to being the cesspool that it always has been since it expelled its Jews.

And, dear Ayatollah, all you need to do is think whether you really care that much about two dyed-in-the-wool lowlifes who really didn’t deserve to live and whether it would really bother you that much if I got to read War and Peace in peace.

I have more to say on this subject, but I really don’t know the timetable for the bombing, and I’d like to get it out there, so please forgive any errors or inadvertencies that made it into the first draft because there aren’t going to be any more drafts.

And if this doesn’t work with the Iranians . . .