A Recently Updated Short Version of the Creation Story

Michealngelo’s creation of man.

First Book, Chapter 1, Verse 1

In the beginning, there was Chaos, and the Lord found that it was not good. There was not even the smallest nook where one could partake in a little snack in peace. But the Eternal beheld the Chaos and decided upon a radical cleanup with a certain thunderous effect. And there was Light, which separated from the Darkness, and an innumerable number of indivisible particles and wildly surging wave functions were formed. These spread swiftly throughout the expanding spacetime, cooled noticeably, and began to organize themselves according to the divine laws of quantum mechanics. Energy and matter sprang forth, and the latter tended to clump together. Verily, this was no small feat. Amen.

First Book, Chapter 1, Verse 2

Thus, the whole creation began in an avalanche, and it could not be stopped. In one of His well-known strokes of genius, the Almighty established the natural constants that hold true even unto this day, including the speed of light in a vacuum (c) and Planck’s constant (h), to name but a few. However, in His zealous act of creation, it appears that He overlooked a small detail—the number π, which He casually determined as the ratio of a circle’s circumference to its diameter, that in turn turned out to be both irrational and transcendental. This is now regarded as a regrettable circumstance, causing much consternation among the angelic accountants who assist in the creation process. Amen.

First Book, Chapter 2, Verse 1

When the Lord desired to take stock and behold what He had created, He found Himself unsatisfied with His work. And so, He resolved, blessed be His name, to breathe life into a piece of matter, that it might breathe, move, and wobble merrily when nudged. For this purpose, He created a large rock in a distant solar system of some spiral galaxy, which He called a planet. The ever-zealous Naming Commission of the Archangels opted for the designation “Chlukum Zwickl 140A.” But our Lord found His work especially well done and, in particular, delightful. Therefore, He chose a name that clearly bore His own signature and derived from the Yiddish phrase “Er gefint es dileytfal” shortening it to “Er-de,” or “Erd.”

First Book, Chapter 2, Verse 2

After the Lord had delighted sufficiently in His new jewel Erd, He set up a laboratory where many colorful chemicals gathered. He allowed these to float in water, His favored solvent, until they formed slimy precursors of life. But the mere clustering of macromolecules was not enough for Almighty. In His infinite wisdom and omnipotence, He granted His obedient organic substances the ability to replicate. He, praised be His culinary arts, fed them proteins, carbohydrates, and fats, without concern for the health consequences of obesity. Then He beheld His work, found it to be wonderful, and left it to its fate, which unfolded according to the laws of a certain obscure demiurge named Darwin. Amen.

First Book, Chapter 3, Verse 1

When God wished once again to take stock and see what He had wrought in the meantime, He was not pleased with the result. He desired Harmony, Beauty, and Peace in the world, that all creatures might rejoice in it. For this purpose, He tinkered with various specimens of hairy quadrupeds until they stood upright and took on the form of hominids. With the seemingly most successful variant, He attempted several more optimizations, ultimately succeeding in the creation of woman. She seemed at first to fulfill His expectations most closely. But alas, to ensure her survival, the woman had to be paired with a rather simple, unpredictable, and sometimes aggressive partner, whose actions threatened the noble goal of Harmony, Beauty, and Peace in the world. Amen.

First Book, Chapter 3, Verse 4

“Alas, a poor outcome!” He might have said, in a moment of genuine insight. Amen.

Second Book, Chapter 1, Verse 1

At His third audit, when the dear Lord was greatly shaken by all the misfortunes, He paused to consider the state of His hastily made creations. Upon seeing what had become of the gentle woman and the hairy fool by her side, He became greatly angered. For they had produced many uncouth descendants, who spread across the Earth and caused grievous damage to the previously paradisiacal garden landscape. Many of the descendants had fallen away from the true faith and worshipped various idols and dubious trends. They engaged in much mischief with sharp objects, caused all manner of dangerous foolishness with flammable materials, and indulged in intoxicating plant-based byproducts of creation. This should have been prevented, for it is written that it bore no resemblance to Harmony, Beauty, and Peace in the world. But the Almighty had been distracted for a while, as He had to plug many newly formed black holes in billions of galaxies.  Meanwhile, many of His human creations became lawyers, tax inspectors, and shrill barking non-commissioned officers. This, however, could not go on, and when the dear Lord discovered what had been happening on Erd, He punished the sinners and their kin, including their servants and pet parakeets, with earthquakes, floods, plagues, and loud advertising for health mattresses. Amen.

Second Book, Chapter 1, Verse 2

Now God took a sabbatical from His strenuous creative efforts, to reflect upon the misfortunes of His endeavors and, perchance, devise alternative solutions. This ranged from the natural constants and the flawed number π to the various instruction manuals for diverse devices, applications, and worldviews. Perhaps He is contemplating a radical new beginning. Let us pray that He comes up with something wise. Amen.