A Satirical Look at Trump Appointments

President-elect Donald Trump has announced several nominations for cabinet positions that, well, can only be described as “unusual” even “weird” although the latter word has taken on some positive connotations.

In the campaign, “weird” helped Trump.  The weirder he became the more his polls improved.

But, back to the appointments.  We are pleased to report on some of our own exclusive research on what attracted Trump to these candidates.  As I wrote this piece, I realized it would be difficult to distinguish between what is true and what is the product of my irreverent and flippant satire.  To help, I inserted (t) for those items which have been published as fact.

We’ll start with Robert F. Kennedy, Jr., you know, the guy who is anti-vaccines and anti-fluoride water treatments.  He dumped a bear carcass into New York’s Central Park (he confessed to that) and is reportedly being investigated for beheading a whale with a chain saw. (t)  He also claimed that a worm got into his brain, ate part of it and then died. (t)   That helps explain a lot.

Trump has picked him to be secretary of health and human services.  Seems a perfect fit; I feel healthier already.

In our investigation, we discovered Kennedy was one of the few who endorsed Trump’s recommendation, at the height of the Covid pandemic, to inject people with disinfectants.

For those afraid of needles, Kennedy suggested, we learned, that Lysol and Clorox be made available as chewables.

Trump also believed that sunlight might help destroy Covid, so Kennedy, in an email to Trump, promoted the idea of opening nude beaches throughout the country.  The more skin exposed to sunlight, the better the treatment.

Next, we’ll tell you about Tulsi Gabbard, the rep from Hawaii, who Trump wants as director for national intelligence. According to several media reports — we could not make this up —, she is a follower of a cult called the Science of Identity Foundation, which practices “transcendental Hinduism” and is led by a man named Chris Butler.  His followers lie face down when he enters a room, sometimes eat his nail clippings and/or the sand he walks on, according to several articles. (t)

This one did not need any research from us, other than to point out that she was a Democrat before switching to another cult, the Republican MAGAs.

Then we have Pete Hegseth, nominated to be secretary of defense.  His credential:  He was a former host on Fox News.

He convinced Trump he was qualified for the job by detailing the battles he had to fight at Fox about who would deliver the most preposterous and outlandish lies each evening.  “I have bruises,” he told Trump.

One anonymous source, an opponent of Hegseth, told us with reluctant admiration, “That guy knows how to fight.  We predicted that someday he would be secretary of defense.”

After his nomination, a Fox News video clip surfaced on social media which showed him saying in 2019 that he had not washed his hands in 10 years. (t)

He apparently claimed that “germs are not a real thing” because he “can’t see them.” (He later insisted that he was joking.)  This, also, did not come from our independent research.

Maybe Hegseth and Kennedy should change positions.

Now to South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem.  She’s in line to become secretary of homeland security. She is the one who made headlines after writing in a memoir how she shot her dog on her farm (t) because the dog could not be trained to give her security.

To get into Trump’s good graces, Noem sent Trump a four-foot model of Mount Rushmore with Trump’s face next to the four greats (t).

But she screwed up badly.  He wanted his face on the mountain alone, not alongside of Washington, Jefferson, Teddy Roosevelt and Lincoln.  Apparently, he has forgiven her.

Another interesting Trump choice is North Dakota Governor Doug Burgum for secretary of the interior.

While he walked back the following statement, when asked once whether he would do business with Trump, Burgum said: “I don’t think so.  I just think that it’s important that you’re judged by the company you keep.”

OK, we’ll judge you by the company you have decided to keep.

We saved the best for last, i.e. Matthew Louis Gaetz II, the representative from Florida’s first congressional district. Trump wants him as U.S. attorney general.

We can hear you loud and clear:  Isn’t he the guy who was investigated for sex trafficking and drug use and who The House Ethics Committee is looking into (t)?

Come on, don’t be picky, picky, picky.  Who would know more about lawlessness?

We learned that he received the final nod from Trump over other candidates when he invoked the name of the late Jeffrey Epstein.  He claimed to be a friend.  That Trump could not resist.

To be totally fair (as we always try to be) it makes perfect sense to us that given all of Trump’s sex perversion and offenses he would want a reputed sex trafficker in his administration.  That’s missing from his own resume.  Oh, Hegseth also has been accused of sexual assault and paid off the accuser in a confidential settlement, according to The Washington Post.  (His lawyers say the sex was consensual).

To assist Gaetz, Trump has chosen Todd Blanche as deputy attorney general, and Blanche’s partner, Emil Bove as principal associate deputy attorney general.  These appointments, we have to admit, we don’t understand at all.  They were his defense attorneys in the hush money case which led to 34 felony convictions. They lost.  We sought an explanation but we could not reach Trump for comment.  They represented him in other cases as well.

We also can’t fathom why Blanche and Bove want the jobs. They were paid, according to Forbes magazine, about $5 million by Trump in one year.  A U.S. deputy AG’s salary averages $150,000.  We couldn’t reach them for comment either.  We contacted their wives but when we posed our question, they hung up.  As they did, we thought we heard them say something like, “Dumb  a___es.”

Worth noting:  Just a year ago, Blanche was a registered Democrat in New York.  Maybe he and Gabbard talked.

We are going to be busy covering the subject of appointments.  An incoming president has the opportunity to make 4,000 appointments of which 1,200 require Senate confirmation.

Given Trump’s start, if it weren’t so serious, it would be lots of fun.