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A XXXX rated guide to finding a Job In Israel

Most adults aren't mature enough to deal with the search for employment, it seems
A client seeks work at an unemployment office in Jerusalem (Photo by Yossi Zamir/Flash90)
A client seeks work at an unemployment office in Jerusalem (Photo by Yossi Zamir/Flash90)

After three wonderful years at Kahena, I was back on the job market and boy were things different!

Jewish parents in the 20th century aspired their kids to be lawyers, doctors and plumbers. If I got out the pool like Benjamin Braddock in The Graduate I would expect to be told two words – Binary Forex.

I’m not quite sure what they are and it would seem as though many people who work in those fields aren’t either, but every second job position posted has to do with it. Non binary forex positions are at pains to distance themselves so in capital letters at the top of their post will appear – THIS IS NOT BINARY FOREX

Of course the binary forex people respond in kind by writing – THIS IS NOT NOT BINARY FOREX because no one notices the second not.

Spending all day on Facebook doesn’t seem very productive, but that’s where all the jobs are posted!

One needs to take job postings in Facebook groups with a grain of salt.

First of all, don’t be fooled by the pinned post that stays at the top.
Second of all, if you see a posting that has a picture of either Leo DiCaprio from Wolf of Wall Street or an island in the Caribbean, chances are you should avoid responding to it. The only person to end up on an island with turquoise water and soft sand was Andy Dufresne and we know what he had to crawl through to get there.

Third of all, Writing MONEY in caps in the post or the conspicuous appearance of $$$$$ is as effective as telling me I just won the Nigerian lottery.

Fourth of all, don’t trust the ISIS job postings. It is not true that they have casual Fridays.

But if there is a position you like and you apply for it, this is where the fun begins and where the process very much resembles dating.

It’s exhilarating to receive phone calls at all hours of the day from private numbers and unrecognised numbers. It’s definitely an upgrade from an automated call from a bank. If the phone call goes well, it’s time for the interview.

There is a right time and a wrong time to schedule it. You don’t want it too early and you don’t want it too late. You don’t want it on a Sunday (traffic is a nightmare) or on a Thursday. You don’t want to schedule it an hour either side of lunchtime so this leaves the sweetspot of 10-11am or 2-4pm on Monday-Wednesday.

Timing is everything and whatever you do, you don’t want to be the late guy. You might as well not even bother to show up if you are late.

At the start of every interview, you will be asked if you want a drink – always answer yes. Not because you’re thirsty, but you want to check out their kitchen facilities. You learn a lot about a company from this intel, especially the state of their fridge This is a VERY BIG factor when choosing a place of work. If they have three week old cottage cheese do not work there!!

Similarly you want to check out the bathroom situation. If there is a Code Red, you want to know in advance what you’re dealing with. For all those of you unfortunate souls who have worked at Binyan Clal you know exactly what I’m talking about.

The interview starts with the obligatory small talk. With one exception, it is never EVER acceptable to discuss the weather. The one and only exception to this is if you’re applying for the position of official weatherman to Secret Jerusalem.

An interview is all about building chemistry with the interviewer. They are seeing a lot people so it helps to build a connection with them.
Some people like to apply for things they aren’t interested in so they can practice their interviewing skills. It allows them to try different things like talk only in haiku or expound their theories on the Man Men finale.

The problem with interviews is that the questions are so clichéd.

What are your strengths/weaknesses???

No one actually expects you to answer this truthfully, but if you tell someone what your weaknesses actually a line just went through your name.

What you’re meant to do is give yourself a backhanded compliment such as I care too much about my work, I’m too much of a perfectionist or I can only remember Pi to 31 decimal places.

If I was in HR, I would want to know real things about the people I’m considering hiring. Someone could be an Ivy League hotshot, but if he’s the kind of guy who leaves a solitary drop in the office milk so he won’t be the one who finished it, I’m not hiring him.

Conversely if someone is seemingly average, but tells me she has access to a torrent that will download TV shows and movies in a matter of minutes, I want her onboard.

The question of salary is a game of cat/mouse if ever there was one. There are a number of factors to consider and weigh up. I had a headhunter tell me that a company was prepared to pay me 20,000 NIS a month and that obviously interested me. When I found out the catch was they were going to pay me in Bitcoin I had to decline. I still have no idea how it works – makes as much sense as Binary/Forex 😐

About the Author
David Wiseman plays cricket in Israel. When not doing this he likes to do jigsaw puzzles.
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