Aliyah Manifesto: Take Offense

(Introduction from ‘Aliyah Story: America to Israel’)

OK. You know something. Take offense. At this point, I can care less.
Trying to pretend like you feel bad. Finally somebody cares about something enough to talk honestly about it. You still don’t understand that people move to Israel because it’s colorful. You don’t move to Israel because it is easy. It isn’t perfect. Nonetheless, I, the Anglo, am trying to make it more like an ancient Germanic tribal culture. It may not make much sense, but it is honest. We are called Anglos once we move to Israel.

If you are angry at me for my love of Israel and angry about this book, then please protest. That is called advertisement.

I am not claiming to be brilliant, but this book will probably help more people in their Aliyah, helping people decide to make that move. The move to a country trying improve itself, constantly making it worse. The truth is raw. But that is what most people, who want life, connect with. The world is not a non-profit organization, and this generation doesn’t donate as much as the last generation of Jews did.

Every racist has said he was speaking the truth. That is not the point I am making. I am not a racist. Every racist has said he is not a racist. I am also not a male-chauvinist. Every male-chauvinist uses ‘he’ to refer to both male and female. That is not the point, and I will continue to use ‘he’ to mean female too, even if I am not talking about Anglos. The point is that that there are not enough mini-golf courses. And I have no idea what to do on a Saturday. The point is that I now have to go to sleep early on a Saturday night. And there is no Sunday either. The point is that there are a lot of different Jews in Israel, and we all come together. We all know it is messed up. And it is that struggle that we all love. And there is nowhere to struggle and live, more than in Israel. We love the color of it. The life.
I want honesty. I want truth. I want Torah. I want Israel.
If you cannot handle ‘the truth,’ then you cannot handle Aliyah.

Every annoying person I have ever met has taken ‘offense.’ Annoying people with nothing to say love saying, ‘I take offense to that.’ It is as if the discomfort they cause is their rebuttal. As if the fact that they never shared an experience, or interacted with people who are connected with it, gives them the right to take offense.
Somebody says ‘offensive’ and they all gasp. Got to jump on the offense train, or you are also the offender.
Argue with a ‘that is offensive’ and you also have no soul. Who wants to be that guy at the group Shabbat meal? You can get ostracized for not sharing in an offense. A murderer, a felon of hate, a daemon with a non-racist opinion. No idea what the offense is to, but you must join in.
It is the same annoying people who sit at your Shabbat table and ask everybody to share a really ‘happy’ story that happened this week. You keep on doing that, and you might find one happy parson, who is pissing off everybody else at the table. I am offended by the length of this guy’s happy story.
You forget about the happiness found in the truth. The deeper happiness found in making the right decisions with every action you are blessed to do in your life. That is the happiness found in Israel. It isn’t easy. But we find real happiness, when we take our neighbors garbage and dump it on their doormat. That is called Tikun Olam (fixing the world). That is called making the world a better place. If I am not dumping garbage, what am I doing to make Israel better? Just taking offense.
We move to Israel, to be a light amongst the nations, from where the light emanates. It sounds better with biblical words, such as ‘emanates.’ Hence, to use another word which sounds real good, we look to better Israel. We move here to teach Israelis to not stand in the middle of a sidewalk, as to let people pass. We teach them to say ‘Excuse me.’ We educate them on new items, like deodorant, and how there is no reason to have an ozone if we cannot breath.
The point is that you only care to change what you love. And as an Anglo Jew who must live in Israel, I love complaining. For all of its faults, America has just as many things that need changing.
It is this blatant disregard for facts and feelings which are connected with the word ‘offensive’ that has so many Americans yelling out ‘Israel is wrong,’ with no idea. It feels good to be pro-hatred and anti-Israel. You can join me on this journey in my way of thinking. I too am offended by all of this.

-Don’t make Aliyah because it is easy. Make Aliyah because it is painful and hard.
-‘Lfum Tzara Agra’- According to your pain, is your reward. That is where you find the true happiness of Aliyah.
-Buy this book because it is not edited right.
-Truth is spoken by good teachers and racists.
-People who take offense are annoying. They kill every decent conversation. They have nothing to add to the conversation, but they love taking offense. That is their statement they learned while watching all the debate shows. You say ‘offense’ and now nobody can argue with you.
‘I am speaking the truth.’ That is how I won this argument. My response to the offense taker on Shabbat was, ‘You are annoying.’ As I was applauded, I won. I hope he took offense to that.
-Male-chauvinists refer to the general woman as ‘he.’
-People make Aliyah because they are connecting with something. And that thing is not a floatie, touchy feely fakeness. It is a touchy feely real.
-David thinks he is great because he made Aliyah.
-David does not bother people to make Aliyah, like every other Oleh who feels the need to constantly bother every tourist, about not living in Israel. He doesn’t like killing people’s vacation.
-David knows Aliyah is the right decision. He is offended.

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.