And now for something completely different . . .
All the News That Fits, We Print
So I took a brief vacation from blogging, never imagining that there would be such dire consequences. Zohran Mamdani? Who allowed that to happen? A man who has never been employed by anyone other than his mother is going to be Mayor of New York as his first real job?
Anyway, while I was away, I did not stop monitoring the press, on the theory that there might be breaking news I needed to share with my loyal (if few) readers upon my long-awaited return. Tom Friedman might stop writing the same column. Ehud Barak might explain why he thought it was a good idea to hang around with Cousin Jeffrey or whether he wondered why an international financier needed all those teen girls hanging around. The Israeli Supreme Court might decide not to strike down a law limiting its own powers. Ehud Olmert might announce that he had concluded that Benjamin Netanyahu had been a far more effective Prime Minister than Olmert himself, and, thus far, had far more effectively avoided felony convictions. None of those things happened, but, because of my extensive reading, I nevertheless find myself in a position to summarize highlights of the recent periodical press. Someone has to do it, so here goes:
Houthi News: As a consequence of the loss of some very valuable audiovisual equipment during the recent meeting of the Houthi high command cabinet that was attacked by the treacherous Zionist entity, it has been determined that if there is ever again such a cabinet, and if it ever again meets, there will be no audiovisual equipment allowed. Cameras are scarce and precious.
ESPN News: Travis Kelce, the veteran All-Star tight end for the Kansas City Chiefs, announced his engagement to a singer.
Washington Post: Taking advantage of the traditional late summer gangbanger vacations to Tuscany and the French Riviera, Trump sent the National Guard into Washington, D.C., hoping to take credit for the seasonal decrease in crime.
Times of Israel: Bibi Netanyahu. Netanyahu. Smotrich. Settlers. Ben-Gvir. Charedim. Sara Netanyahu. Bibi Netanyahu. Smotrich and Ben-Gvir. Katz. Bibi. Feh! (Sound made by gnashing teeth.)
Arutz Sheva: IDF soldiers report miraculous Hand of God guiding their weapons and pulling the trigger at precisely the right moment. But only if the soldiers were wearing tzitzit and had put on tefillin for the first time in years. Baruch Hashem.
Ha’aretz: IDF soldiers fired indiscriminately at starving Gazans seeking food. But only if the soldiers were wearing tzitzit and had put on tefillin for the first time in years.
Yisrael Hayom: F-35s performed maintenance on themselves while in the air over Iran. The Prime Minister personally supervised all aspects of the operation in close cooperation with his good friend, Donald Trump. And God.
New York Post: It was disclosed that Zohran Mamdani claimed, in his application to Columbia, to be of African-American descent. He explained that he was born in Uganda, albeit to Indian parents. (Full disclosure: I was born in Newark, New Jersey, and–based exclusively on statistical probability–I too can claim to be of African-American descent.)
Wall Street Journal: Sheikh Jabari, leader of the largest clan in the Hebron area, proposes the establishment of an Emirate in Hebron under his leadership, encompassing all of the local clans, which, he says, have approved the idea. The new Emirate will be separate from the PA (described by the sheikh as useless), will recognize Israel as a Jewish State, and will cooperate economically with it. Nir Barkat likes the idea. Problem solved.
Channel 12: Sheikh Jabari has been floating idiotic, non-starter ideas like this for 20 years. The only path to peace is through Oslo. If the Palestinians didn’t like the PA, how could Abbas have stayed in power all these years? The Wall Street Journal should stick to Wall Street and stay out of Hebron. And if Nir Barkat likes the idea, how good could it be?
Jerusalem Post: A bunch of US Rabbis of whom you have never heard have endorsed Mamdani because he embodies the exact same Jewish values that they represent. With respect to Israel, anomalously, they find themselves agreeing with both Mamdani and Neturei Karta.
BBC: Will sponsor and present a marathon concert featuring an all-star lineup of anti-Semitic performers. Being syndicated in Ireland, South Africa, Australia, and Canada. The sun never sets on the former British Empire. For those who can’t remember the “sun-set” phrase, just think SS.
The Guardian: Pakistani groomers engaged in culturally appropriate activities need to be protected from chauvinistic, xenophobic parents of young girls. Plus, how can we even be talking about these activities while we turn a blind eye to genocide? Could someone explain why Netanyahu isn’t freeing the hostages before we spend any time on harmless groomers? And how about a shout out to Hamas for its humanitarian resistance?
The Lancet: Researchers have discovered a link between the common cold and Zionism. Based on the science, one should steer clear of Jews. Hamas activists who must come in close contact in order to carry out their mission should wear masks.
New York Times: Is proud to announce that its photographers have once again won the Pulitzer Prize for staged, misleading photographs of diseased children masqueraded as victims of famine. The awards will be accepted in absentia because the photographers are in Gaza entertaining Israeli visitors, with customary Islamic hospitality.
VIN News: Reported that barely five months after making aliyah, Yosef Blau, 86 years old, who had served as the “mashgiach ruchani” (spiritual advisor) of the Yeshiva University beis medrash since 1977, authored an open letter signed by 80 Orthodox Rabbis. The letter attacked the Israeli government for failing to prevent mass starvation in Gaza. For good measure, it attacked right-wing extremists and deplored “settler violence.” Having endorsed pretty much every position of Hamas and the strident NGO left, he then pronounced himself “stunned” that the letter was prominently featured in a New York Times article. So, Pilgrim, if you are in the market for a spiritual advisor with a firm grip on reality, keep looking.
Journal of the American Association of University Professors: Reaffirms its longstanding opposition to academic boycotts on the grounds that they inhibit free expression, interfere with academic independence, and impermissibly introduce politics into academic and scholarly pursuits. Please note that the foregoing does not apply to Israel or Jews, because . . . they are Israel and Jews.
Irish Times: Ireland, France, Canada, and the UK will recognize the State of Palestine in the Fall of 2025. Shortly thereafter, they plan to recognize the Duchy of Mordor, the Municipality of Oz, and the Country of Wonderland. All are invited to a post-announcement reception at which Ireland is paying for the first round, according to Rick O’Shea, Ireland’s Minister of Drunkenly Bouncing Off Walls.
Al Jazeera: Ayatollah Khamenei has emerged from hiding to proclaim victory in the war against Israel and the United States. He was surrounded by pictures of deceased generals and nuclear scientists who, he explained, were taking well-deserved vacations. Al Jazeera also reports that the Houthi Prime Minister has retired. There were no accompanying pictures of the ceremony because of unexpected catastrophic damage to the audiovisual equipment.
Environmental Times: Greta Thunberg’s flotilla set sail for Gaza again. Her visits have a significant effect on energy consumption because every time she appears on television, millions of people turn it off. Update: the voyage was canceled because of rough seas. It turns out that even when she yells, “How dare you?” to the ocean, she nevertheless gets seasick.
Jewish Week: Twenty-two Rabbis, many of whom, by coincidence or divine design, are named Sally, Brett, or Scott, have proclaimed that their Jewish values compel them to part ways with Israel and endorse the positions of Hamas. They then made kiddush and said shehechiyanu. When queried as to why these blessings were chosen, one of the Rabbi Sallies explained that, aside from “tikkun olam,” these were the only Hebrew words they knew. When it was explained to them that their positions deviated from those of such Jewish luminaries as Rabbi Moses ben Maimon (Maimonides), another of the Rabbi Sallies explained, “Rambam was a Rabbi; and we are Rabbis.”
Babylon Bee: Reports that England has concluded that much of the animosity in the world is the result of the ill-conceived medieval Crusades, which tried to redeem the Holy Land from the heathens. To atone, Britain is instituting a reverse crusade, in which the heathens are invited to come and destroy Britain. In preparation, Britain is arresting all potential victims of crime.
NY Post: Anti-Semitic incidents are up 600% in the United States, and even higher in Canada. Ilhan Omar and Rashida Tlaib point to these statistics as conclusive evidence that Jews cause crime.
NY Times Book Review: Kamala Harris has written a book describing her campaign for the Presidency. The Federal Election Commission has labeled it an in-kind contribution to the Republican Party. Joe Biden is also writing a book–the first posthumous book ever penned by a living ex-President. Working title: “Exit Stage Left . . . Uh, Right . . . No, Left . . . Oopsies.”
World Israel News: As if the long-suffering population of Gaza had not endured enough, Foreign Secretary David Lammy announced that the UK would be providing NHS treatments to critically injured Gaza children.
If you want me to go back on vacation, please let me know . . . gently.