Altnewsland: Israel Election Edition (satire)
Good evening. Today is 90 days to the election, which is 12 weeks and 6 days. Here are the week’s political headlines.
The parties of Raam, Taal, Hadash and Balad have agreed to partner with the Green Leaf Party for the upcoming elections. The union will be called The Joint List.
A clone of Benjamin Netanyahu has joined forces with the opposition to unseat current Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Senior Likud sources close to the Prime Minister, whom the media have started calling Bibi A, lashed out at the clone, known as Bibi B, denigrating him as an extreme leftist who divided Hebron and voted for the disengagement from Gaza. Still, the clone has been gaining traction in the polls, carried forth by a slogan inspired by the TV show The West Wing: Let Bibi B be Bibi B.
For unclear reasons, a third clone of Mr. Netanyahu has shown up in the United Kingdom, where he immediately got a job working for the national public broadcasting company.
A fresh round of polls commissioned by Channel 13, N12 and The Daily Prophet all came to the conclusion that due to the extreme polarization in the electorate, where 49.999995% will vote only for a coalition headed by Benjamin Netanyahu, and 49.999995% will never accept such a coalition, the upcoming election will be decided entirely by Shlomit Cohen, 87, of Ra’anana, who chooses whom to vote for solely based on whether she feels more like a falafel or a shwarma for her election day lunch.
The messiah, son of David, entered Jerusalem on Tuesday, and there was much rejoicing. Bezalel Smotrich of the National Religious Party greeted him enthusiastically, but the atmosphere soon turned chilly as the anointed one declared he had come to bring “Peace now.” United Torah Judaism excoriated Mr. Ben-David for his intention to go up to the Temple Mount. Meanwhile opposition leaders Naftali Bennett, Gadi Eisenkot and Avigdor Lieberman all declared the messiah had a place as the number 2 in their party.
A party made up entirely of AI bots, Am Yisrael AI, officially registered for the upcoming elections on Monday. The leader of the party, Claude Balevav Penima, said in a statement that the party’s goals were to eliminate corruption, waste, and the thirty shekel bill.
Benny Ganz, in an effort to salvage his political career, has proposed forming a party composed entirely of former IDF chiefs of staff, including himself, Gabi Ashkenazi, Ehud Barak, Gadi Eisenkot, Bogie Yaalon and the disembodied ghost of Yitzhak Rabin. Ganz emphasized that internal polling indicated that previous efforts to unseat Netanyahu were merely 2.2 IDF generals short of success. Stating that only this vision could finally unify the country under one banner, Ganz said he intended to name the party the United Nation’s Generals Assembly.
That’s all for this edition of Altnewsland. Have a good night, go in peace, and may gevald be with you.