Another failed attempt at Monogamy

Breaking up is hard to do.

Here is how I am feeling about dating right now. Now please understand that my feelings are justified considering the fact that in the last 24 hours I have been bombarded with failed attempts at relationships in the most bizarre ways possible. One of the guys I dated in the past wrote to me last night and told me that I USED HIM. He feels used and  upset…but he made sure to tell me that I shouldn’t worry because he is over it now.

Then the last guy I dated called me and told me that he has the flu because of me, since I was in the Philippines and brought back some Asian flu with me or some chicken disease. I mean come on man. I’m not sick and the last time I saw him was two weeks ago so get over yourself!

And finally, someone I just tried to date decided that I am too enthusiastic. Good luck changing that about me!

The funny thing is that I feel responsible for this drama in many ways. If it keeps happening then it must be my fault, right?

Finally here I am getting over another break up and trying to squelch the fact that I have sworn off men in general when all of a sudden I notice that the protective feelings I have about being in a relationship start to subside. My contemplations about lesbianism have started to wane and, lo and behold! This cute guy comes up to me and starts a conversation. He is not brain dead, maybe even what I would call gentlemanly and he seems to say all the right things and makes me laugh. He doesn’t use the dreaded pick up lines in Hebrew meant to get women into the sack like, “What are we, children?” or “Let’s go with the flow.”  I mean, do I look like the Nile?

Then you start to think. Maybe I was wrong about men. Why should I group one gender into a huge failed experimental group? I should be open minded and judge each person based on their own virtues. And look, this guy might be able to fulfill all of my male companionship needs. Could it be that monogamy is possible in this crazy world of failed relationships?

So I decide to give it a try once again, and to open up my personal vault of feelings and vulnerability that I swore I would never, ever open up again except maybe to my grandmother. I am willing to expose myself for the sake of that wonderful feeling I have felt three times in my life, called love. What more can anyone ask for?

And then it fails.

Maybe it’s because of that time he woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night wondering how he ever got into a relationship with a woman with 5 kids (I know the answer, it’s my smile and my eyes, but at 3 in the morning all he feels is terror). Or it could just be that he realized that it will take a lot to hold this woman down and he ain’t got a lot. The woman he thought he could tame and train is not responding as well as he had hoped. Why is she obsessed with running and salsa. Can’t she just sit for a couple of hours and watch a movie? (Good luck with that!) Why does she have to always talk in superlatives. Can’t she just be “fine” instead of “great!”? Or maybe he just can’t take all the energy and the craziness. I mean, it’s tiring for many people. I can’t help it if I have excess energy problems.

So once again I have returned to my previous theory that one man just can’t handle me. This coupled with the fact that my freedom is so valuable to me after working so hard to get where I am today makes me wonder if there really is one man out there for me that will be able to be my partner without making me or him feel trapped. Does every pot really have a lid?

So once again the position is open as my own personal assistant/partner to all eligible applicants:

The job includes the following:

1. Some late nights but mostly just weekend work and some travel.
2. A multi-tasker which includes being able to type on his iphone while nodding and uh-huh’ing me while I talk
3. Funny but not patronizing or mean.
4. Able to handle craziness, not certifiable craziness, more like the “eccentric up at 5 in the morning to run and what do you think of this dress for the billionth time” craziness.
5. Circumcised son of Israel is preferable
6. Able to formulate sentences with multiple syllable words and doesn’t say “cool” more than once every ten minutes
7. Owns a GPS because I have no sense of direction and am always getting lost.
8. Not jealous when I spend half my life salsa dancing, socializing with my TOI fellow bloggers or running through the hills of Efrat and Jerusalem

All eligible applications will be considered.

Compensation commensurate with experience.