For a long time I have strived and struggled, I have walked a long path through a dark valley. At the end of the valley I saw the light, it overwhelmed me.
Suddenly someone switched off that light and darkness surrounded me yet again. So I lit my flashlight and continued to stay on path. Nothing could stop me. Nothing can stop me. Nothing will stop me.
I’m invited to Ohio pretty soon – but there are no flights and everything is in full lockdown. No matter where you turn people shut their doors and waits out the pandemic of our lifetime.
I’m supposed to be in California this autumn. I don’t want to travel, it scares me. Still – if the US has lifted its entry ban or my visa will be issued in time I have to go. But the world is not the same anymore.
Has it ever been the same? It is ever-changing. Nothing lasts forever. My fears are that I no longer can travel freely or come and go as I please. Travel – the thing I like the most. Except my family.
I have no idea on what will happen to me during 2020. Work, studies, travelling to South America yet another turn. Everything I’m looking forward to, is being crushed to fine grain sand right in front of me. It is like I have picked up dry desert sand with my hand – and I slowly saw it trickle between my fingers and returning to the ground. A shallow wind passes as I let loose of this sand.
Have I given up? Absolutely not, never will. I am just a bit perplexed and extremely tired of my surroundings. Not the people who surrounds me, but the general discourse in society combined with peoples obsession to do more harm than good. Critique instead of support. There is always a back-thought with what people do or don’t do today.
That’s why I told people on my FaceBook account to leave me alone. I need to recover. Gain new strength. Handle the situation. Handle myself. I have accomplished what some see as remarkable in their micro-cosmos. Others do not understand, or reject the very idea of even trying understanding.
How hard can it be?
I spoke with a very wise person about this yesterday. With success comes leaches, they tread on you. They are trying to make my life as miserable as possible. I asked this person how I should react and handle when being swarmed by this kind of negativity. The wise person said “STOP! It’s not your task to answer anyone – take care of yourself and your family. If someone insists – better block them instead. In the end of the day it’s their loss, not yours!”. I kind of got the point.
I admire some people, both alive and dead ones. Some died before internet came around. Others are my online defenders. Some are my trolls with a disguise. But counting those I admire, I realize most of them comes from my inner circle of family. In rare circumstances friends.
There is no end to this text. There is no end to what is going on currently in the world. I was frightened and angry in the past for several reasons. Today I’m struck by apathy. I don’t give a flying f*** when people question me on shit that is 10 times beyond themselves.
I just scaled down my friends on Facebook – from ~500 down to 129. I scaled down on my Instagram followers too. I don’t call anyone unless I must. I don’t associate with anyone or anything except my future. I’m so DONE with everything else.
My biggest fear is not winning this race. Some people say there is no winning in life. Not in the academic world nor in the job market. I respect their world-view, though I don’t share it. This is when my Middle Eastern culture button flips on the light. I can turn off my flashlight. I see everything so clearly. I see my lifegoals, my achievements, my family, my cats, my house(s) here and abroad. Our three cars. My scholarship.
So when I summarize everything – my only conclusion is that yes, some people are nice. For a while. Then either I or them turn us down. Disappoint each other to a point which is unfixable. Acting like it’s the Knesset.
I am a reactive person by nature. A friend nicknames me “Doron”. Don’t tread on me.
Some people says patience, silence and apathy is a way to respond as well. I haven’t done that ever before. Usually I just flip tables and fights someone until they wish they could undo shit. I’m the one who is getting on the bus. I don’t care. I used to be nice. I was used of taking care and give rather than recieve. I’m done with all of that.
Along this year that has passed, friends has come and gone. Sometimes I have been the asshole. Sometimes they have been. But now, when looking on where I am and where I am heading – there is no turning back and there is not a single human being who can stop me, help me or support me. I understand that if I want to learn something new, advance and overcome the obstacles some people have put in front of me – I can from now only rely on myself.