My son, Liath, (pronounced Lie uth) has a growth issue. When he was born, surrounding nations sent their war recruitment agents to sign him up, with promises of glory to be on their front line of offense in pillaging and conquering (a violent form of chutes and ladders.)
To address the case of our son, size matters. The wise elders of our tribe have proclaimed that Liath has a pituitary gland gone amuck. Is this a blessing or a curse? None of the children his age want to play with him, fearing that he will break both them and his toys, before the games even begin. How can I build up his self-confidence, before he changes his name from Liath to Goliethdown? I just won’t let him become a self-defeatist. PS His best, little buddy, ironically, is a little Hebrew named Davey, who wields a mean slingshot. He always encourages our son to look past the height thing and look inside himself; see the beautiful, loving soul that nestles within the xxxlarge giant’s loin cloth. Davey, on the other hand, wears a specially made toga designed by his father, a shepherd. It is called, “Runt astic.” When little Davie wears it, it seems to have a life of its own. It has a no-slouching device that gives the little guy a taller appearance. It gives him a “winner” mentality, and he quickly assumes the position of mascot, for both teams! And, our Davey doesn’t stop there; as a matter of fact, at times, he behaves quite cheeky! It is a good thing that Liath isn’t exactly the fastest chameleon to make one with a rock……
Sybil and Saul Fussbinder
Dear Sybil and Saul,
Well, good news for all who have been following the Biblical Olympics. Maybe your family can learn that it takes more than brawn and testosterone to win a competition! First, I, Ask Avigail, have limped away with the gold in a few competitions! For those of you who follow my sagacious advice, I do not hide the fact that I am woman, hear me whine, and not counting that most recent, unpleasant encounter with the local gender police at Hamid’s Houmous Stop, where I had to prove my femininity and take off my face veil…The officers shielded their own eyes…the sheer beauty was blinding enough-may Hashem fit them with lazar bi-focals…Not only did they neglect to knock on the ladies tent partition, but they caught me in an embarrassing and compromising position…picking lentil beans out of my teeth. They are high in fiber, but fast on the flatulence.
Yes, the Olympics. As a matter of fact, I am the first woman, Semitic or undecided that has represented any tribe, in any display of athletic prowess, EVER. And, I propose a sport entitled HUNTING AND GATHERING, to be held next year in an indoor Olympic size shopping mall! Here are just some of the competitions held this year, and who won, what:
Newsbreak from the Biblical Olympics…In the SYNCHRONIZED WEEK-LONG SLEEP&SNORE COMPETITION: AVIGAIL/HEBREWS TAKE GOLD. EGYPTIANS DISQUALIFIED BY JUDGES. FIND EMPTY BOTTLES OF NODOZ.
Just in from the Biblical Olympics…MUG2MOUTHSHORTDISTANCEGULP…It’s pretty tense. From ancient Anatolyaso, Bibi Sayid, has been training since she was breastfed on hot frothing mother’s milk. She preferred to suck on stalks of aloe vera, more than other kids’ treats…Let’s see how she does. She approaches wearing an absorbent terrycloth bib. She grips the spoon-like tool into her right hand, dips and in one swift movement enters her mouth, without spillage….whoa…what control…what flow….That is a perfect 10. Now, ASK AVIGAIL representing the Hebrews, steps up to the bar and orders the same. The crowd roars, “Hit her, Hit her”. Avigail is unfazed; she takes it as her fans yelling cheers to lead her on. She studies the steaming mug. She decides NOT to use the spoon. She lifts the mug and a steady, firm flight, opens her lips, OH NO..A TRICKLE OF LIQUID STREAMS DOWN HER CHIN..THE CROWD GOES WILD. This is gonna cost her…Let’s see what the judges say….whoa….it’s a 10? NO PENALTY! They say it was condensation from the heat on the mug. IT’S A TIE!!!!
Newsbreak from the Biblical Olympics…in the SOLO WEEK-LONG SLEEP ON ONLY THE LEFT SIDE COMPETITION ON A BRICK BED: AVIGAIL/HEBREWS TAKE GOLD. PHEONICIAN DISQUALIFIED. ADMITS FAKING; HIDES LIFE-LONG INSOMNIA HABIT.
Newsbreak from the Biblical Olympics…in the SOLO WEEK-LONG NUDE BATHING COMPETITION. Judges have measured sunburned skin areas and monitored their length; width and amount of nerve it took for each Olympic contestant to muster up enough resolve and nerve to bare themselves to public scrutiny. As it stands now, with only minutes to determine who will walk away with the title of the WEEK LONG NUDE BATHING COMPETITION, WE HAVE LUDMILLA SHTUMPF, from Ooohdeskya; and, our undefeated champion, SHAMOO, who manages to beach his two ton bloated whale carcass onto the beach and has gone home, in the past, with the gold and a lot of sturgeon.
Final Competition from the Biblical Olympics… INTERPRETATION OF DREAMS COMPETITION: TIE!!!TWO HEBREWS TAKE GOLD…AVIGAIL & DANIEL/HEBREWS; AMALAK THE AMALAKITE TOOK THE SILVER. JUST TOOK IT BECAUSE HE’S A THIEF!
“We are here with 3 time gold winner Ask Avigail/Hebrew, asking her if she has any advice to give to any future hopefuls.”
“Yes, I am sending this message, especially to you, Liath. In the INTERPRETATION OF DREAMS COMPETITION, I trained with my brain. I wore my reading glasses to bed, so I could interpret the symbols clearly in my dreams. Without them, I’m clueless. You see, I was prepared and did my best. I really won. Amalak did not really win the silver, he took it. It means nothing to him. Remember that.”
“Thank you Avigail. See you in four years at maybe the Hellenic Empire? Or the Roman Empire?