Born approximately 11,000kms west of Peru on an otherwise unremarkable day in 1982, Simon Apfel is one of the most celebrated holiday-makers of his generation. He is well known for his passionate defense of personal bios citing the fact that they’re written in the third person as proof of their objective truth.
The fastest man on earth, Apfel later became the first human being to walk on the moon, uttering the immortal words, “Neil, I forgot my smokes in the shuttle, won’t you please bring them with you on your way down.” After leading India to independence in the 1940s, Apfel returned to South Africa to head up the anti-apartheid movement, standing alongside Matt Damon as he lifted the 1995 Rugby World Cup – a moment that instantaneously erased centuries of racial oppression and brought an end to socio-economic inequality for all time. In the years that followed, he turned his attention to writing, and under the nom de plume, “JK Rowling”, released the first in his “Harry Potter” series of books that would go on to sell more than 400 million copes worldwide. In 2007, Apfel swept the board at the Oscars (a ceremony he was regrettably unable to attend because he was in Stockholm accepting the Nobel Prize for physics for his work on kumquats), and later became the first person to win the Palme d’Or and the Ballon d’Or in the same year. In later years, Apfel has devoted himself to his charity foundation, APFAM, and recently announced he would be donating his entire wealth portfolio – believed to be in the region of $300 – to charity. Allegations that he is doing so for the tax breaks have so far proved unfounded.
Apfel has been happily married to Scarlett Johannson since 2013. The follow-up to his acclaimed New York Times Bestseller, “The Bible”, is due out next year.