Avoiding Help at All Costs – Stop Walking Away from What You Need!

I’m amazed at how much momentum there is in learning about healthy relationships and mental health awareness, yet even within this, so many still show reluctance to seek help when they need it most. Whether due to perceived or real financial constraints, social stigma, or a simple fear of vulnerability, countless people walk away from opportunities for growth and healing. This reluctance not only hinders personal progress but also perpetuates a cycle of isolation and unfulfilled potential. Often times, I end up seeing people late in the game when it becomes more complicated as opposed to having worked with them early on when the issues were bite sized and manageable. I believe that it is essential to confront the reasons behind this avoidance and explore how embracing support—in my case, from a relationship coach—can lead to transformative change.

One of the most frustrating things I deal with is when people are referred to me and instead of jumping at the chance to work on the things that are preventing them from achieving greatness and general fulfillment, they push back and explain why they don’t need the help or complain that the help is too expensive. This is pennywise and pound foolish. Everything is an investment in life and if you want to succeed then you invest. Whether it be time in the gym to get healthy or a financial investment with large potential yields. The point is that people would rather save pennies on the front end than receive the windfall that is waiting for them on the back end. I can’t stress that point enough! This is exacerbated by the fact that very often these same individuals will come back to me when things are even more complicated to work through. Ugh! Like, why didn’t you just let me help you when it was an easier fix. People have to start being honest with themselves and also learn to listen to those who have experience and perspective. What might seem like a sizeable amount of money is usually less then what one needs to pay later on after things gets more complicated when pushing off getting the help he or she needs. In addition, many professionals are willing to put together payment plans to help make it more manageable for individuals and some even have sliding scales.

Recalibrating our mindset around help-seeking behaviors is essential for breaking down these barriers. Recognizing that asking for assistance is not a sign of weakness, but rather an act of strength that can empower individuals to prioritize their emotional well-being.[i] If a person struggles with math, there is no shame in getting a tutor! This is no difference. But more than that is if one values this area of strength, then like everything else there is a price tag attached to it. Often times it comes down to priority, other times it is an outgrowth of one’s level of self-awareness.

I want to briefly discuss the importance of engaging with a relationship coach, debunk common myths that fuel stigma, and provide actionable strategies for shifting perspectives. By acknowledging the value of support, we can begin to undo the barriers that prevent these meaningful connections and ultimately help foster healthier relationships with ourselves and others.

The first place to begin is by understanding the importance of seeking help. Although I have written about this before it is extremely important to understand. My pet peeve is the fascination that many people, who do not require the expertise of a licensed therapist, have with finding a “licensed” mental health professional. Do people even understand what it means to be licensed in this field? I have found some individuals to compulsively look for this requirement, irrespective of whether the said professional has what it takes to be effective in core areas such as empathy, self-awareness, flexibility, cultural competency and strong communication skills or even meet the exact needs of the client. It seems to be shortsighted and self-sabotaging.[ii] There is a major shortage of licensed therapists to begin with. Is the answer to have a waiting list for people that need help in the here and now? Or, do we look for other avenues that may be equally successful so that people can get the help that they need when they need it? There must be a responsible vetting process and perhaps a sharing system so that not every person that goes to a therapist stays with a therapist, rather, they are referred to people who can just as effectively meet their needs. This allows therapists to share certain cases with relationship coaches so that there is more opportunity for people that have needs beyond the scope of a trained coach, to get serviced by the right therapist.

Secondly, there is strong evidence suggesting that meeting with a certified coach can be just as helpful in dealing with overall health and wellness as with a therapist.[iii] Additionally, the more sessions that people were involved in, directly correlated to the improvement in their well-being.[iv] This is irrespective of whether or not the person is a licensed therapist or a reputable and trained coach. My humble suggestion is to start focusing on what actually makes a difference and impacts a positive shift in healthy relationship building and mental and emotional well-being, namely, finding someone that one can connect with, has real empathy, a proven track record and strong communication skills. It isn’t the licensure that makes them amazing but rather their background, experience and ability to be empathetic and communicative with cogent techniques. The answer is yes, I am advocating coaching at the right time and therapy at the right time.

To begin the shift of recalibrating our mindset around seeking help, one needs to educate him or herself about the benefits of support.  If one is not adept in navigating scholarly articles this is where google can actually be a great resource. The internet is full of articles on emotional intelligence and the role of vulnerability in building connections. Additionally, if a person can reflect on their own experiences, and be honest about the benefits of being vulnerable, it can reinforce the notion that help-seeking is valuable and will ultimately put a person in a position of strength!

When a person makes the decision to take the leap and work with someone, for our purposes a relationship coach, it can be a transformative step in dismantling barriers to seeking help. Coaches provide guidance, support, and tools tailored to individual needs, helping to navigate emotional and relationship challenges. To make the most of this experience, research potential coaches and schedule initial consultations to find a good fit. Consider setting specific goals for what you hope to achieve through coaching, such as improving communication skills or addressing how to navigate relationships. Make a commitment to attend regular sessions and actively engage in exercises or strategies provided by the coach, ensuring that you remain accountable to your growth. To circle back, this accountability is very often the payment. I try to explain to my clients that the purpose of payment is to hold themselves accountable! With this understanding I almost always see a seriousness and commitment to our sessions and an overall buy in to the good work that we do.

It is important to address common myths that fuel the stigma around getting help because it helps create a supportive environment. The way to do this is by identifying and challenging these myths in one’s own life; for instance, we must remind ourselves that needing help does not mean incompetence. Another worthy technique is to engage in conversations with friends and family to share insights and experiences that reinforce the benefits of seeking support. This can be very helpful in destigmatizing the experience. Hosting informal discussions or workshops that focus on relationships and emotional health is also valuable. By creating a culture of openness and understanding, one can help others recognize the value of seeking help, ultimately fostering healthier relationships and a stronger support network.

Change is difficult and scary and so is finding the right person to work with on that journey. I truly believe that we need to start making ourselves priorities. The costs of working with the right person are, in the end, negligible to the help that one can receive. Destigmatizing help for relationships, mental health and emotional issues, and going to the person that will best meet one’s needs, means that we raise the bar for help but also outcome. Let’s transform the narrative around seeking help in all its component parts and turn fear into empowerment, making it a shared journey toward healing, learning, growing and success!

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[i] Stuart H. (2016). Reducing the stigma of mental illness. Global Mental Health (Cambridge).

[ii] Bishop, Lauren & Hemingway, Ann & Ashencaen Crabtree, Sara. (2018). Lifestyle coaching for mental health difficulties: scoping review. Journal of Public Mental Health.

[iii]https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/evidence-based-care/202207/new-research-finds-coaching-be-par-therapy

[iv]Ibid