We can pass through life living in our head and not really even being conscious of our bodies. There are different levels through which body consciousness penetrates us.
In the last few years I have either become aware of- or I have experienced an increased sense of my life force energy. I’ve had treatments such as deep diaphragm manipulation that aims to free up and release energy, and I’ve also started nourishing myself through dance and through lying on the earth, to name a few examples.
As I’ve started to feel my life energy, I have also been feeling the power of my desire. This is definitely not new. I know this feeling from when I first started learning Torah and practising yoga more than 20 years ago- and maybe even before that. For a long while I was embedded in the paradigm of feeling the pain of my desire. It was as if I was the victim of my desire. Aside from just feeling it- and the shifts that ensued with that awareness, I was kind of stuck. But some things happened on the inside- by activating my relationship within myself and freeing up the flow of my vital energies – that freed up this stuckness. I was also met by someone on the inside who is my ultimate lover. It’s not necessarily permanent (who knows?) but at least I know it as a possibility. That which had seemingly been against me- the magnitude of my desire- I now see to be my greatest most precious gift. Really a sublime inheritance!
In previous blogposts I described that I was looking for something outside of myself to fill me in a certain way. This can be a subtle thing and even tricky. It’s also tricky because we are not islands and we’re so connected to each other and want each other- and can serve and be served by each other- in so many ways. So even when we realise the other can’t fill that lack- we still want to be in relationship. But it gives relationship a different currency when it’s from that place of wholeness and personal freedom.
It’s even changed how I’m seeing my partner. I thought I was yearning for more tenderness and presence in him but now it’s as if that has totally fallen away. For the first time in 19 years it’s like on a very deep level — on every level — I don’t need him to be any different than he is. Much of this is due to some beautiful and blessed processes I’ve been undertaking that nurture deep connection to my feminine and masculine aspects and the inner marriage of the two. The total and unwavering committing to being my own lover as my base commitment means that all the other love flows from that place.
Let’s take some delicious time to be with our inner lover. What can this mean? Right now I’m lying in the morning sun my body face down pressing into long grass. It feels good. Now I’ve turned to the side. Now I’m sitting up. What relationships to ourselves are we carrying in our own body? What relationships to our sensations? To our desires?
We can ask what we want from our ultimate lover? Some things I want from my ultimate lover are: To be deeply present; to be tender; to delight in life and in each other; to be playful; to be ferocious in love; to totally be taken; and to totally take someone else; What do you want from your ultimate lover? What does it mean to activate all of these qualities in ourselves? What shape does it take?
Literally, I can’t receive something from someone else if I haven’t first made pathways inside myself. Either we have to prepare the pathways or at least, we have to be prepared to die to who we think we are. If we’re ready to die to who we think we are, then there can be a magnificent quality of someone else’s piercing love that can rock our world. It doesn’t have to be our “lover” per se. They meet us with total acceptance and we see our shame and fear and insecurity arise and burn away because there’s nowhere for it to stick. It’s a blessed blessed world that we have such warriors of love who can unwaveringly reflect to us the truth of our being. And it’s also magnificent that we have such willingness, such readiness, to die to the ideas of who we think we are. We may want to kick and scream and fight the person who won’t let us hold on to our self-judgements and victim stories. Surrendering into this love that is being reflected back to us, brings with itself the rawness and vulnerability of the open, tender heart.
It may look like there is someone outside who is that perfect lover. We may be waiting for him or her till we die. Or we may think we’ve found them but they don’t know it yet. But even when we think we have found our perfect lover, this person has given us a precious reflection and hint towards the way back home to our inner lover. They may have said the words we always hoped we would hear. And even so, we need not be distracted. We need to ruthlessly refuse our mind as it wants to keep forcing us to put out hope in something outside us. And then eventually something clicks. And we stop projecting this love outwards and we know ourselves in new ways. And it is very good…
Join me for “Embracing Our Inner Lover” workshops and private sessions.