Backstories

For many of us who work in elder care, attending funerals is something we do often.  We know, and appreciate, that we are caring for many elders until end of life and we want to, and do, make an effort to pay our respects. Often staff members attend as well. They have developed relationships with our elders and want both closure and a chance to honor their memories.

One funeral that I attended, early in my career in elder care, stands out with great clarity. It was the funeral of a man who had lived in our Assisted Living. He was a very quiet person. He didn’t engage much but I would see him and say hello when he attended meals or came to concerts. He kept pretty much to himself otherwise.

At his funeral, the story of his life was shared both by the officiant and his family. And this man had lived a remarkable life. He’d had a brilliant career and was well known around the world in his field. While his name did not spark immediate recognition outside of his area of expertise, his accomplishments were ones that all of us knew.

I remember looking at the other members of the team who were in attendance. We all wore slightly stunned expressions. And I know we were all having similar thoughts, not about the fame this man had achieved but the fact that we hadn’t known it. He hadn’t volunteered the information but, more importantly, we hadn’t asked. It was a powerful lesson.

One of the most important commitments we have made in our organization is what we call “deep knowing” of the people who live within our walls. We want to understand who people are, their histories as well as their preferences. If the individual is unable to tell us themselves, we want to know about them from their families, to learn about who they are and what their lives have been like. That informs our care as well as our interactions, it enables us to provide programming that is better tailored to the individual.

Families, perhaps not surprisingly, don’t always know these histories or details.  Maybe those memories were never shared. Maybe there were questions that were never asked. Most of us have vague ideas about our parents’ or grandparents’ lives, what they did for a living, where they lived, what mattered to them. But we are so wrapped up in our own lives and time is so scarce, that we don’t stop and gather the information while we can.

There are many ways to approach the collection of this information.  You can find online lists of questions. There are books in which the elder can write down their memories. There are even card games that families can play to help learn about their history. It doesn’t matter how you go about it, the key is to make sure that you make the time, knowing how unique and precious the opportunity.