I had to read the article in the Mirror newspaper’s website twice. Well, to be truthful, I read it three times, the pictures were something to see. Sainsbury’s are going to sell sex toys in their supermarkets. Yes, when you go for your weekly shop-up, with your bored kids helping you push the trolley while wishing they were anywhere else, you can now buy a range of exciting sex toys.
Just to make sure I had understood this important news, I opened the Mail Online. The same story, and some very nice pictures
I shut the newspapers down, just before my glasses steamed up, and turned to Sky News. After due warning that there might be, heaven forbid, flash photography, I was treated to a very detailed report on Sainsbury’s new product line. Fortunately, there was no flash photography as my eyes were wide open and could have been damaged.
The British supermarket chain has just launched a new range of affordable sex toys to help customers “increase their sense of well-being”. No longer will Sainsbury’s female customers have to close their eyes and think of England. (Lady Hillingdon in 1912 wrote in her diary “When I hear his steps outside my door I lie down on my bed, open my legs and think of England.”)
Thanks to Sainsbury’s, when you pop out to get some more milk or a loaf of bread, you can also pick up a bullet vibrator. Sainsbury’s decided to sell these useful devices after research carried out jointly by Oxford Economics and the National Centre for Social Research found that one in three English people are not satisfied with their sex life. Of course, Sainsbury’s Rose Gold Bullet (a snip at just £8) would only solve half of the problem, husbands would still need to make their regular half-hour visits with the neighbour’s blonde young wife. Paul Mills-Hicks, Food Commercial Director at Sainsbury’s said: “We are always on the lookout for new opportunities to help our customers live well for less and they’ve told us that sexual well-being is an area they would like to see more choice in.”
How things have changed since I was young; there were no sex toys in the local supermarket and we were not allowed to end a sentence with a preposition (for the youngsters reading this, who probably know more about sex than prepositions, that’s ‘in’). We do not know if Winston Churchill used sex toys, but he did occasionally end a sentence on a preposition. When criticized for this he famously replied, “This is the type of errant pedantry up with which I will not put.”
But the world moves on. We now have the opportunity to bring our young children up to speed while buying bread and milk. Imagine, if you can, reaching the check-out and spreading your tomatoes, milk and tinned sardines on the belt together with your sex toys. “Daddy looks just like that,” says the six-year old, pointing at a very realistic, anthropomorphic vibrator, “but much smaller.”
“Madam, do you need batteries for your, er, purchase?” says the embarrassed cashier.
“Does Daddy’s need batteries?” says the six-year old.
While Sainsbury’s is very concerned with our sexual well-being, it neglects to warn us that sex-toy owners could risk a fine or even jail time if they take their vibrator on holiday with them. Countries such as Malaysia, Thailand and the Maldives have a ban on sex toys and anyone caught bringing one into the country may be headed for trouble.
Of course, all that vibrates isn’t a Gold Bullet; my toothbrush can work up quite a head of steam when the batteries are new. For the sake of our children I hope that government legislation will soon require all toothbrushes to be clearly marked “This is NOT a sex toy”.