Burning bridges is sometimes the right thing to do

We’re told not to burn bridges. But, sometimes, it’s good to burn bridges. Life isn’t a black-or-white scenario. Not to me, anyway. And certainly not when it comes to interpersonal relations which are, at times, incredibly complex.

When someone I know doesn’t want anything to do with his abusive mother, who am I to tell him it’s wrong? I don’t know what happened and I’m not in any position to judge him. That’s the problem with so many people, they open their judgmental mouths without thinking, convinced they have some deep wisdom to share, when it’s just nonsense that often causes more harm than good. The ones pontificating are going to go their own way, sometimes never to be seen again, and the person who foolishly took their advice is going to be the one left with the problem. Before criticizing someone for cutting contact with a family member, a friend, or anyone else for that matter, it’s best to understand the context first.

There are two ways to deal with abusers. Either cut all ties with the abuser or send someone who can talk sense into the abuser. Someone with authority and the clout to act if need be. Screaming, pleading, whatever, has no effect on the abuser and is only going to make you look weak. You might amuse the abuser or give him or her the satisfaction of watching you lose it, but that’s not the reaction you’re going for. Abusers want to keep you off-balance. Always unsure, always uneasy, always uncomfortable. When you’re off-balance, you’re an easy mark. Your defenses are either down or much weaker than they would otherwise be.

Now, we tend to think of cults as these big, sprawling organizations. But even a family can be a cult. There can be just one follower. Cult leaders come in all shapes and sizes. A parent. A boss. A teacher. A spouse. Anyone. Famous cult leaders just happen to have many followers, an audience, if you will, but there are mini-cult-leaders all around us who use the same tactics. They don’t have an ideology. Their only ideology is: ”You’re to be who I want you to be, and no one else.” No need for paranoia and seeing cults everywhere, though.

Now, cutting ties with suspected cult members is a good move most of the time. When burning bridges to ensure no cultist follows you, it’s a sound strategy, of course. Still, life isn’t always that simple. There’s one thing worth considering here. To some cult members, having contact with people who don’t belong to their organization is their only window to the outside world. Their only lifeline, if you will. By cutting contact with suspected cult members, you’re potentially slamming that window shut.

Your actions are understandable. Cults are a source of problems but not everyone there is completely controlled. There are people who want change and they might see an outsider they interact with at work, or whatever, as an inspiration, for example. It might not even cross your mind because as someone who wasn’t raised in a cult, such thinking is totally foreign to you. Indeed, it’s foreign to me.

I can only understand how cults work on a theoretical level and I thank the Good Lord that I wasn’t born into some mind-control group cause I sure as heck wouldn’t be writing this blog post now. For all I know, my logic is totally off-base here and cult members are so content, they feel so superior to outsiders (whether they show it or not) that they see no need to change their ways or interact with outsiders in any shape or form.

Maybe my logic is too optimistic. If anything, it’s us, the outsiders, we’re the great unwashed in need of illumination and perhaps I have it all wrong: cult members interact with outsiders only because they want to convert us, or use us, and it’s us who ought to be grateful for interacting with the so-called purveyors of the divine truth. It’s not mere theory; I witnessed relatively young cult members berating much smarter people who knew much more about life than some arrogant, hutzpah-filled, fools.

With cultists, cutting contact can go two ways. One, they leave you alone for good (praise the Lord) and two – some messed up thought processes are going to give them an idea to ”save” you, that it’s a mission from God. What does ”save” mean? I really don’t want to know what their maniacal minds conjure up. Don’t feel guilty about cutting contact and burning bridges. You’re doing the right thing. There are honorable exceptions, i.e. cult members who see what’s going on and they do what they can to change their group, society, whatever, from within, but they are extremely rare.

I talked to a principal of an Opus Dei-aligned school and, years earlier, to a Lefebrist priest with a Ph.D. in physics. They had much more humility than some mediocre-minded cultists sending everyone to hell. Traditionalists aren’t wrong, society is degenerating. Well, duh. The issue is, their traditionalism and conservatism are disturbing distortions, a theo-fascist caricature that has little to do with the actual conservatism or traditionalism.

Religious fanatics always want security services (top national security-level jobs) because it’s so much easier to spread their influence all across the nation from there and silence all dissent. A deeply disturbing development when religious radicals with a history of Holocaust denial get access to top jobs in security services. First slowly, then faster and faster, the regime grows stronger and more vicious. Iranians know all too well how the story ends. Prisons. Cranes. Targeting, torturing and killing anyone who doesn’t believe in what religious fanatics believe. Even genocide of non-believers and taking over their assets. Absurd? History tells us otherwise. The signs are here.

Shame the Iranian pattern seems to be repeating in another country…

God, take all the victims of such theocratic regimes to heaven.

Amen.