Can We All Grow Up?

We didn’t have to agree with Charlie Kirk, but we needed him.

When we were young children, we gravitated towards fitting in, conforming, and belonging. Typically we attended schools, joined communities, and had playdates, with people who thought and lived similar to our own values.

For that age and stage, that was a very important thing. It helped shape our identities, and built a strong foundation for belonging and security.

But growing up and maturing means being able to look outside our own echo chambers. Connecting with people who live by different standards to our own, and listening to ideas which we disagree with, are necessary for growth.

A young child finds comfort with that which is familiar and expected. Growing up means learning to be comfortable with new and different ideas. Hopefully, you become confident in your own skin, to realize the value that different people and opposing ideas can bring to your life, and to appreciate the gift when someone pushes back at you.

Two fascinating Rabbis of the Talmud were Rabbi Yochanan and Reish Lakish, who became related through marriage. They were both saintly and brilliant, but very different from each other. They constantly argued and disagreed, and often exchanged harsh words against each other. When Reish Lakish passed away, Rabbi Yochanan became deeply depressed. His students wanted to cheer him up, so they sent a prized student to his house to engage him in Torah conversations and fill the void of his deceased brother-in-law.

When Rabbi Yochanan would share a teaching, this student would complement him by offering all kinds of supporting arguments. Eventually, Rabbi Yochanan got fed up: “Are you comparable to Reish Lakish? In my discussions with him, he would raise twenty-four arguments to disprove my claim, and I would answer him with twenty-four answers, and as a result the teaching would become broadened and clarified. But what value do you serve me when you constantly agree with me? Do I not believe that what I say is good?”

Why do some adults become so afraid of dissenting views?

Jewish mystics describe two paradigms: ‘katnus hamochin’ and ‘gadlus hamochin’, which for our discussion can be translated as ‘narrow-minded vs broad-minded’, or ‘fixed-mindset vs growth-mindset’.

A narrow mind feels threatened by an opposing idea; a broad mind welcomes the opposition, knowing that it can help achieve even more depth. A fixed-mindset pursues comfort; a growth-mindset pursues truth.

Sadly, despite all the progress in the world, we are still suffering from ‘katnus’, so many are still so ‘small and narrow and fixed’. From American politics, to the wars in the Middle East, to the battles within and between religions. Children use their fists to win an argument; adults use their words and intellect.

The history of the world is a story about growth, development and redemption. In the second generation of mankind, Kayin killed his brother Hevel for disagreeing with him. The Torah elaborately describes the early generations that were filled with family rivalry. But over time we were meant to grow up and learn to live in a Gan Eden state, with maturity, respect, and authenticity. In some ways, we have indeed made lots of progress. But still, we are literally bleeding from primitivity.

Rosh Hashanah is approaching, the day that celebrates the creation of Mankind. On that day, all of mankind stands together, before G-d, in judgement. Hopefully it will serve as a much-needed reminder about who and what we are.

Too often we define ourselves in such small boxes and narrow ways. ‘Are you republican or democrat; pro-life or pro-choice; pro or against gun control; socialist or capitalist; religious or secular; traditional or progressive; orthodox or reform; Chassidic or Litvish?’ These are important questions and conversations. But none of these are essential definitions. You and I are humans, creations and children of G-d, brought into this world to bring repair and redemption. We may have different paths, and there may be different ways. But if we discovered our essential truth, and held hands respecting each other, we would all become better versions of ourselves, and finally succeed in our collective mission in this world.