Marriage Education, Enrichment / Enhancement & Advocacy
Chanukah and the 7 Habits for a Glowing Marriage
Chanukah can be a special time for couples to reflect on their Shalom Bayit and apply the themes of kindling and rekindling lights to their marriages or sadly apply the flames from the candles burning to ignite negative and stressful emotions which are triggered by the stressors of the Chanuka observances.
To shed some perspective on the potential benefits or challenges of Chanukah vis a vis the subject of marriages, one of my favorite sources of inspiration is Stephen R. Covey’s The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People which was adapted for the publication of Seven Habits of Highly Effective Marriages.
It is my belief that the 7 Habits align themselves with Chanukah’s themes of light over darkness, rededication, and miracles with suggestions for ensuring that married couples illuminate their marriages during the Holiday and infuse the holiday with warmth and camaraderie and most of all Shalom Bayit.
WHAT ARE THE 7 HABITS and the Chanukah Connection?
The 7 Habits are listed in the same order as Covey outlines in his book with some suggestions for implementation during Chanukah to create positive atmospheres for marriage revitalization and to maximize the holiday spirit:
- Be Proactive – Choose Light, Not Negativity
Proactivity means responding from your core values, not reacting out of impulse. In marriage this means: “What actions may I undertake to demonstrate accountability for bringing more peace, warmth, or kindness into our home?”
Chanukah: Before or after lighting, each spouse chooses one small “proactive” act of chesed/kindness or patience or assuming responsibility for some tasks/chores for that evening.
- Begin with the End in Mind – What Kind of Foundational Bayit Ne’eman/home do You Envision?
Having a shared vision of the kind of Jewish home you want—one of shalom that is based on Torah values, and an atmosphere of respect and harmony lends a mission to each holiday to ensure it exemplifies the overall objectives of the Jewish HOME.
Chanukah: Use one night to articulate a one‑sentence “home vision – supporting each other” while reflecting on the menorah as a symbol of that ideal with its warm glow and unifying spirit.
- Put First Things First –Prioritize and Protect Couple Time
Prioritize your relationship and put boundaries on potential distractions, even ones which might evoke other competing mitzvah “obligations”.
Chanukah: Block out the candle‑lighting as a daily “MINI‑Date—put the phones away, and carve out the time for shared memories or thoughts about new traditions that you want to include for preserving the spirit of the holiday and putting your relationship as the priority for celebrations and express gratitude for the goodness that each spouse brings to the marriage.
- Think Win–Win – Two Flames of “LIGHT”, One Harmonious Menorah
Think about the unifying factors which contributed to the extraordinary victory achieved by the heavily outnumbered Maccabees in regard to how to plan and celebrate Chanukah which honors the respective needs of each spouse; no “winning” and monopolizing the days of the holiday at the other’s expense.
Chanukah: When deciding about visits, gifts, or events, ask, “What option lets both of us feel respected and included and allow for mid -course changes as required with a spirit of good will and harmony?”
- Seek First to Understand – Listen Like a Partner Without Arguing
Appy the adage of Seek to Listen and Understand first and then Be Understood to your spouse’s feelings before arguing your case in the event of inevitable disagreements and arguments. Active Listening techniques place emphasis on Listening, Reflecting and paraphrasing as mentioned below.
Chanukah: If tension arises especially related to Chanukah stressors (money, guests, kids’ presents), listen first to the statements and sentiments of the partner (especially if the partner feels aggrieved) and reflect and paraphrase back what your partner says so they the partner feels understood before stating your own position and thoughts which may arise. The idea is not to solve any problems but for each partner to feel understood, after which problems can be solved in an atmosphere of mutual respect!
- Synergize – Your Strengths Make More Light Together
Celebrate differences –personalities, preferences, strengths and weaknesses, spiritual practices as complementary strengths that enrich the marriage.
Chanukah: Compile a list of the various tasks required for observance of Chanukah and revise it as required delegating the responsibility for the completion of the respective tasks to the partner whose strength is more appropriate with the goal of equalizing the deliverables without placing the burden on one spouse. Use as the inspiration for task distribution the synergy achieved by the addition of a candle each night over the course of the 8-day celebration of Hanukah reaching the crescendo the last night.
- Sharpen the Saw – Rededicate Yourselves
Every marriage requires a “marriage tune up” and recharge for the sake of renewal and revitalization- physically, emotionally, spiritually. Chanukah is at its core about commitment to a cause and rededication to values held dear which in this case a happy and healthy marriage.
Chanukah: Use the eight days for small “renewals” using mutually agreed upon activities as the basis for the “renewals”: a walk, shared learning, a new ritual of nightly gratitude and appreciation, and on the last night a quiet “rededication” of your marriage to being a home of light filled with joy and commitment to growth on a sustained basis with regular check-ins for accountability purposes.
A Roadmap for Turning Festival of Lights to Festival of Marital Harmony
Identifying The 7 Habits for Highly Effective Marriages and using them to provide a roadmap for enhanced celebration of Chanukah by married couples of all stages provides a unique opportunity for examining ways to nurture and revitalize Jewish marriages.
The integration of the 7 Habits provides a vehicle for couples to explore their own respective contributions to the marriage and define ways to illuminate the positives in order to have the kind of marriage that burns bright and is a role model for the next generation.
The victory of the Maccabees and the rededication of the Temple and the miracles that we re explore each year give evidence that we are an eternal people and our strength lies in the commitment and dedication to healthy happy marriages.
A Marriage Made in Heaven and Dedication
The Fourth Night of Chanukah is the yahrzeit of my beloved father Esir ben Avraham Benyamin and was the topic of the blog A Chanukah Legacy of Love and Dedication. This blog is dedicated to the 28th yahrzeit observance.
My parents were married on February 27, 1945 in Dallas Texas, and to me they had a storybook marriage of 52 years, The shidduch maker was actually the uncle who with his wife raised my mother after the loss of her own parents when she two (death of father) and four years old (death of mother).
Being one of four children, I had the privilege of being in a family whose parents showered me with love and affection and support and showed by example what values are the most important to possess. It was clear that my father adored my mother and she was equally dedicated to his needs.
Secret to a Happy Marriage
A primary catalyst for the creation of the non-profit Together in Happiness/B’Yachad B’Osher in 2011 was my desire to have a forum for sharing those characteristics that I had the good fortune to witness as a child of such extraordinary parents. The memorial to them is found on the website of the non-profit whose link is:
https://together-in-happiness.com/about/.
My inaugural speech at the First International Conference on Marriage Education in Israel in 2011 which was dedicated to the loving memory of Feigel bat Tuvia Nisan and Esir ben Avraham Benyamin provided such an opportunity as demonstrated in the words below and link:
“The model that I have had in front of my eyes as I embarked on this journey to plan this conference was the 52 years of marriage of my parents who showed me by example what is the special recipe of a happy marriage- one that is built on a foundation of mutual respect, trust and communication, shared goals, love and commitment to each other and family values and appreciation for the gift each had found in the other.”
Here is the link to the speech:
THIS CHANUKAH Make it Count
This Chanukah in light of the tragedy in Australia let us dedicate ourselves on a macro level to connecting as a people and staying strong and promoting light over darkness, but also on a micro level to implement the 7 Habits with the objective of making our homes be full of light, love, and rededication to our core values which have sustained us as a nation.
Wishing Everyone a Chanukah Sameah
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