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Comparing Yourself to Others

Photo Credit: Mikhail Nilov, Pexels
The quickest way to starve the soul is by feeding the ego |
It’s really important to visualize your dreams. If you don’t know where you’re going, then how on Earth can you get there?
Vision-boarding is a popular, emerging trend in which people will paste a collage of images and words representing their wishes or goals, intended to inspire or motivate them to fulfill their dreams. Yet this is nothing new since Jews have been blessing their children for over 3547 years, to emulate two brothers from the recent Torah portion. Jacob blessed (Genesis 48:20) his two grandchildren, Menashe and Efraim, that they should be the role models for Jewish children until the era of Moshiach. Hence I, like countless Jews across the world, bless my children each Friday night: “May you be like Ephraim and Menashe.”
It’s unclear though, why these two siblings were chosen by Jacob to be the models for all Jewry. Why not far more illustrious pairs like Moses and Aharon, King David and Jonathan or even Abraham, Isaac and Jacob? After all, we know precious little about Menashe and Efraim and how they lived their lives in Egypt as the sons of Joseph. There are so many other great personalities about whom we know so much. All we know about these two is that when their Zeidy Jacob prepared to bless them, he switched his hands, placing his dominant right hand over the younger brother Efraim and the recessive left hand over the head of the elder Menashe.
I discovered a fascinating insight from one of the great Chassidic masters of Galicia, known for his famous work the “Bnei Yissasschar,” Rabbi Tzvi Elimelech Schapiro of Dinov (1783-1841). He explains that all sibling relationships in the book of Genesis were catastrophic, except for Menashe and Efraim:
When G-d favored Abel over the older Cain, Cain murdered Abel. Ishmael and Isaac were sons of Abraham, yet Ishmael tried to kill Isaac, to the point that Ishmael needed to be evicted from his home. Jacob stole the blessings of his brother Esau, resulting in Esau’s plan to murder Jacob for many years. Joseph was hated by his brothers who tried to kill him. Ultimately they chose to sell him into slavery instead. But when it came to Menashe and Efraim, we find no such dysfunction. When Jacob chooses to give the dominant blessing to the younger Efraim, we find no fallout nor hard feelings from the older Menashe, who was clearly slighted. It’s a breath of fresh air to see these two live in harmony with each other—celebrating each other’s success instead of resenting it.
In Yiddish, there is a word for not resenting the success of another—to fargin. It’s been said that you shouldn’t share your problems with others because eighty percent don’t care, and the other twenty percent are glad you have them! To be able to fargin someone else’s success is to be able to truly be happy in their joy and to celebrate their successes. Not many people are capable of this feat.
This is why Menashe and Efraim are the role models for all future generations. They understood that what they didn’t have they simply didn’t need. What didn’t belong to them was not part of their mission. It was clear to each of them that having what the other one had wasn’t going to make him happier.
Bill Gates cautioned: “Don’t compare yourself with anyone else in this world. If you do so, you are insulting yourself.” Don’t compare yourself to others—you have no idea what their journey is all about—your journey is unique and your path to success will be different to someone else’s.
Jewish mysticism teaches us that before our souls descended to this world, we understood our mission and we chose which family we’d be born into. We were then given exactly the tools—talents, skills, and smarts—that we’d need to succeed on that mission. What I have is what I need and what I don’t have I simply don’t need! Focus only on what G-d has given you—as the necessary tools for your mission.
This is quite possibly the secret to happiness: comparison is the thief of joy. I can’t do someone else’s job and he can’t do mine. Losing sight of this leads to endless aggravation, squandering precious energy on something you cannot reach or have, in addition to neglecting your own mission. The key to success is to stay in your lane as you always remember that you are on a divine mission—granted only the tools that you need to succeed in your particular assignment. It would be useless to gift a cobbler with the tools of a blacksmith.
The Previous Chabad Rebbe—Rabbi Yosef Y. Schneerson—used the following true story that happened in the days of the Alter Rebbe to illustrate how each person has a unique mission in life, and they must recognize it to avoid fulfilling someone else’s.
One Friday afternoon, a wealthy businessman and his wagon driver returned home from a long trip just before Shabbos. The businessman, eager to prepare for the day, went to the bathhouse and donned his Shabbos clothes, heading straight to the synagogue.
On his way, he encountered a wagon stuck in the mud. Following the commandment to “help others,“ he immediately tried to assist, but being that he wasn’t skilled in this art, he quickly got covered in mud and injured himself. He arrived at shul dirty and limping.
Meanwhile, the wagon driver, who had also bathed, arrived early at the shul and began inviting guests for the Shabbos meal. He invited ten strangers, ensuring no one was left without a place. When the time came to distribute guests among the hosts, the wealthy businessman had no one to invite, while the poor driver had a full table.
Years later, after both men passed away, the Heavenly court decided that they needed to return to Earth to rectify their missed opportunities. The former wagon driver was sent to fulfill the mitzvah of helping others, which he had overlooked, while the businessman was tasked with perfecting the mitzvah of hosting guests, which he had missed.
You are only a poor person if you are not happy with what you have. You can be happy with what you have and still work for what you want. If you can do what you do best and be happy, then you’re further ahead in life than most people. Winners focus on winning; losers focus on winners.
We have to eat from our own plates and not look for the grass on the other side. The grass isn’t greener on the other side—it’s greener where you water it. And if it looks greener, it’s probably artificial turf.
Rabbi Dovid Vigler
Chabad of Palm Beach Gardens
6100 PGA Blvd, Palm Beach Gardens, FL 33418
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