Death and Taxes? You Wish.

For centuries, humanity has clung to two certainties: death and taxes. But what if quantum mechanics — and basic common sense — upend these comforting constants? This article argues that not only is the concept of “the end” inextricably murky, but without taxes, civilization would regress into an unpaved dystopia of sewage and chaos. In short: stop procrastinating and for the love of society, stop complaining about your taxes.

Death: The Myth

Judeo-Christian theology posits a clean afterlife: Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory (for the indecisive). This tidy framework suggests that once you’re done with life, you either chill with angels or face eternity with the guy holding a pitchfork. Enter quantum mechanics, the scientific spoilsport, to ruin everything.

In the quantum world, nothing ever truly “ends.” Particles exist in superpositions, flitting between possibilities like a socially awkward party guest who can’t decide whether to stay or leave. Even when they “collapse” into a single state, their existence ripples across spacetime, echoing eternally in the great cosmic LinkedIn of being. Translation? Death isn’t a hard stop; it’s a quantum transfer. You’re Schrödinger’s cat, forever both “here” and “there,” trapped in an existential inbox you’ll never clear.

This reality shreds the comforting linearity of death. If there is no final “there,” then who’s handing out the harps and brimstone? Quantum mechanics suggests that your soul doesn’t get a cozy VIP lounge in eternity — it just gets absorbed into the universal Wi-Fi, endlessly buffering. So stop blaming your procrastination on divine judgment and start cleaning up your act while you still know which dimension you’re in.

Civilization’s Necessary Good and Evil

If death is an illusion, let’s talk about the only other certainty: taxes. Unlike death, taxes are uncomfortably real and absolutely unavoidable unless you’re Jeff Bezos or a cryptocurrency bro. Sure, they’re annoying—but consider the alternative.

Imagine a world without taxes. No public roads. No clean water. No garbage collection. Cities become Mad Max-style wastelands, with rival factions fighting over pothole-free intersections. Your morning latte? Forget about it — coffee beans require global trade infrastructure, which requires taxes. And don’t even think about hospitals, libraries, or functional Wi-Fi. Without taxes, you’re on your own, bruh, eating canned beans in a shack while a raccoon steals your Netflix password.

Historically, taxation is what separates civilization from anarchy. Even ancient societies understood this. Egyptians taxed grain to build pyramids. Romans taxed everything to pave roads and build aqueducts. Medieval kings taxed peasants to fund ill-advised crusades (okay, not a great example, but the roads were nice). Modern taxes fund everything from space exploration to sewage systems. You think Musk built SpaceX alone? Nope. Taxpayer-funded research paved the way.

In short, taxes are the social contract that keeps humanity from devolving into a toilet-paper-starved hellscape. Sure, it’s annoying to give the government 20% of your paycheck, but isn’t it better than drinking cholera-infused water while dodging unlicensed hoverboards

Get Real Because Nothing Is

Quantum mechanics teaches us that death isn’t a clean escape, so you’re not getting off the hook for bad behavior just because you think St. Peter might forgive you. You exist in a sprawling multiverse where every choice reverberates infinitely. Meanwhile, taxes remind us that communal responsibility is non-negotiable if you like paved roads and functioning sewer systems.

So stop whining about life’s so-called certainties. Death might be an illusion, but taxes are very real — and honestly, they’re the only thing standing between us and societal collapse. If you want heaven, start building it here. Pay your taxes, recycle your karma, and for goodness’ sake, stop Googling “quantum immortality loophole.”

As Benjamin Franklin probably would’ve said: “Death and taxes are certain. But only one of them pays for the fire department.”