Derech Eretz Kadma l’Torah: A Communal Imperative and a Shared Priority

Throughout Jewish history, the study of Torah and adherence to its laws, commandments and precepts have served as a cherished road map and sacred foundation for our people’s existence and destiny.

The Torah serves as the undeniable bedrock for our people’s existence. Its laws have protected our Jewish people since its delivery and acceptance at Har Sinai. It has guided and informed us about right versus wrong, about our holy relationship and sacred covenant with GD and our bond to one another.

It is therefore imperative that we embrace the study of Torah as the most essential ingredient at our disposal in order ensure the continuity, viability and sustainability of our Jewish people.

One of the most frequently used rabbinic aphorisms in describing the important concept of derech eretz, (respectful behavior) is “Derech Eretz Kadmah l’tora,  – derech eretz proceeds (comes before or takes precedence over) the Torah.

This principle and concept does not necessarily suggest that the Torah is of secondary importance, or that the torah is less important then derech eretz; but rather to emphasize and elevate the primacy of derech eretz to a level which suggests top priority, focus and attention.

There are even select commentaries who suggest that derech eretz is indeed a prerequisite to our acceptance and study of the Torah and that in the absence of derech eretz, it is truly difficult to fullfil the obligations and mitzvot in the Torah.

Derech eretz is an attribute and characteristic which exemplifies menschlichkeit, speaking to others with respect, being kind to others, exhibiting utmost respect to others through doing kind deeds,  having a positive demeanor, and behaving like a mentsch privately and in public spaces.

Derech eretz kadma l’torah suggests that is is not enough or sufficient to observe religious practices and mitzvot, but first and foremost one needs to exhibit menchlichkeit.

Although this may be viewed as a generalization, it is a well accepted notion that today our society lacks derech eretz – especially as exhibited by our children. To be sure, we are currently witnessing and experiencing a complete breakdown and disintegration of respectful behavior on the part of our children in the home and in our schools. This also holds sadly true for adults who disregard derech eretz as a critically important part of parent’s lives and their ability to serve as role models for their children.

I was motivated to write this blog as a result of an experience I had several weeks ago, in addition to a need to share and articulate my perspective regarding this social condition.

While in a grocery store doing my erev shabbat shopping, I observed two teenage boys jumping the line in front of an elderly women at the checkout counter in order to purchase several sodas. Adding insult to injury, they were joking, loud, boisterous and extremely rude to the cashier. No “thank you:, and no eye contact…..not even after the cashier said thank you, have a great day to them.

I stood there in amazement and astonishment at the level of disrespect these two teenage boys exhibited. Not only did they cut the line in front of the elderly women, but they displayed complete disrespect to the cashier.

Although I do not relish in labeling people, I was beyond embarrassed to observe that both of these teens appeared to be yeshiva students, based on their dress and attire. I just expected much more from individuals who are associated with a day school or yeshiva.

One minute later, I saw an elderly gentleman with his hands loaded with heaving grocery bags, struggling desperately to open and keep open one of the two exit doors. Not one person assisted him by opening the exit door for him. At least five folks just walked right by him as if he was invisible. By the time I left the line to reach the man, the door was open and he met a person outside the store who assisted him with this bags.

It did not end there. While walking to my car in the store parking lot, I began to hear a young child yelling and berating his father for not purchasing the child a particular donut at the bakeshop they just frequented. It was truly amazing to experience the child’s anger and to hear the words coming out of this child mouth. And the only response from the father to the child was, “I am sorry, I forgot, I will remember next time.”

Parenthetically, as a reader, you may suggest that this may have been a special circumstance or that the child in question may have had special needs. But, (spoiler alert) ….. I actually know the family and this was definitely not the case.

The manner in which the child berated the father was as if the father committed the worst crime. This was a scene that I will never forget.

As an educator who has led a variety Jewish day schools, yeshivot and educational institutions with diverse students and families, I can continue to describe similar if not more dramatic examples ad nauseum. 

Although this may sound like an overgeneralization, reality dictates that today our society lacks derech eretz as never before in recent memory.

I ask myself, as well as many friends colleagues and educators  – why and how have we devolved to such a low inflection point in our community? And how do we respond or remedy this metasticizing illness in our communities?

The responses to these questions are not easy or readily evident….for if they were, we would have attempted (I would have thought) to confront this growing cancer ages ago.

Possible Causes

Although my responses to the question of causes  for this growing lack of derech eretz is not rocket science, they do bare repeating.

First and foremost, I firmly believe that the lack of derech eretz in our homes, schools and communities are a vicious cycle which has its origins in a society which has given up on this challenge and which has for years exhibited a level of apathy and complacency. This leads to familial and communal acquiescence and an inability or unwillingness to put the genie of disrespect back into the bottle.

In addition to these factors, many of our adults (read parents) were just too distracted, preoccupied  or “busy” with their personal lives to focus on the importance of derech eretz of their children. Like everything in life, unless one focuses on these challenges head-on and doubles down by correcting these behaviors, they will just grow and proliferate.

The lack of derech eretz which has unfortunately been completely relegated to our schools is equally evident among our adults. If our children do not see, feel or experience derech eretz from their parents, there will be no parental modeling or positive influence on them.

The manner in which many of our adults speak, interact and behave towards each other lack levels of respect, menchlishet, achdut and kindness Many are fraught with lashon hara, and gossip which only impacts negatively on children who are keen observers of adult behavior.

Although the Jewish community is a mirror image of our general society, we as a Jewish community can do better…much better.

Before briefly describing several modest solutions, it is imperative that we acknowledge the fact and reality that there are many families and children in our communities who do exhibit and display tremendously impressive levels of  derech eretz. These behaviors are the result of a parental commitment to the principle of  Derech Eretz Kadma l’Torah and a family ethic that prioritizes derech eretz and places it at the top of the behavior and attitude chain.

Chances are that these are parents and adults were themselves recipients of parents and adults who exhibited, promoted and even demanded levels of derech eretz at home and in their communities.

Potential Solutions:

As we know, ein chadash tachat haSemesh, there is nothing new under the sun. 

Here too…many of the solutions to the derech eretz conundrum, are obvious and even commonsensical.

First and foremost, in order to combat this growing communal phenomenon, we must believe in the power of the concept that it takes a village. 

Within the context of our Jewish community, this village includes parents, teachers, schools, rabbinic leadership, and communal influencers who are willing, able, motivated, driven and passionate enough to combat and confront this challenge by utilizing all of their resources.

In addition to developing and implementing special derech eretz programs and curricula in our schools as well as diveri torah from our leaders, there must be boundaries and consequences.

The imperative of boundaries and consequences do not always sit well with many folks. To be sure, if they did, we would  have been in a far better place decades ago.

It is therefore high time that we hold our parents and adults accountable for their children’s behavior. This holds true for derech eretz, the use of technology, and other behaviors and modalities which are less than desirable.

The evolving role and responsibility of our schools must be paramount. This means that all Jewish day schools and yeshivot, without exception, must hold their students AND their parents responsible for a lack of derech eretz. This can only take place if schools develop and implement policies which demand student behaviors which are commensurate with these requirements. It also means that a lack of compliance with these policies and standards will result in disciplinary action, including dismissal from school.

Can this requirement be viewed as being too harsh? For many, the answer is yes.. But, we are now paying a very heavy price for not  consistently challenging inappropriate student behaviors and by coddling our children instead of providing them with leadership, structure, modeling, direction and healthy boundaries.

As educators and parents, we all want to inspire our children with love, support and inspiration. But we also have a tremendous responsibility to provide them with a healthy and secure environment with meaningful standards.

Endnote 

Derech eretz kadma l’Torah is not an easy concept to accept or embrace.

It is far more convenient and easier to follow the laws and halachot of the Torah than it is to change, modify or correct our behaviors.But, we also know that by not doing so, we as an am kadosh, mamlechet kohanim and created b’ezelem elokim, will have significant consequences.

We cannot afford to encourage or support another generation who are not prepared to undertake the principle of derech eretz kadma l’torah

Is it possible?

We will never know until we actually try…