Devarim: Raw Reckoning

It’s that time of the year again, where we get to review our status and state. Are we truly thriving or are we just pushing our luck for another week or two? Have we really set ourselves up properly or are we riding a train hoping that there is enough fuel and logs to the next station?

Devarim is when Moshe takes the entire nation and makes a true accounting of where they stand and what they truly believe. He tests their belief with reprimand and encouragement. Do they believe only because they have a leader like him, do they believe because they are in fear of the other option, or do they believe because they truly believe?

I see in my own life that sticking to my beliefs requires truth, otherwise I fold when the time gets hard. I have tripped up so many times right before the finish line and it hurts very much. It used to hurt differently because in the past I used to think that my decision to become better is final and that if I fall once “what’s the point at all?” But now my attitude has changed. I have come to understand that although my decision is final, I also know that falling is part of the process. The only true way to have accountable progress is by stopping every now and then and realizing the stretch I’ve walked and how far I’ve been able to carry my belief with me.

There is a famous Gemara in Shabbat 118b that quotes, “If only the Yidden keep two Shabbatot they would be instantly redeemed.” Let me ask you this, “How long have you been able to carry your belief for?” Have you ever decided to do something and stick with it for over two weeks? I believe that if one can truly push through a focused state of mind for this tiny amount of time they will find breakthroughs that they could never have imagined.

I have also come to see that before something big we will face our lowest lows. Somehow we can find pleasure in the rejection, even in the rejection after rejection, since we can learn to become even better. It is somewhat like this, “I will take whatever you are saying, even if it is against my true will, and I will laugh with it, because I am certain of my path no matter what you say. It may be hard and it may be difficult to support a family when my entire life is built on a hope and dream, but I am confident with my path either way.”

But this brings me to another point that has been swirling through my mind for a while. “I must take a risk.” If I want something big to happen I must be willing to lay it all on the line even though the rest of the world will laugh. They can say whatever, I can feel however, but I will still move ahead with it. My logic is simple, “If I am worried about my decision before I do it, and I will be worried about my decision after I go for it, then who cares? Let me worry about progress instead of worrying over worries.”

But then again, why am I worried at all? It is only because I have forgotten to believe in Hashem. My entire thesis and basis for my growth is that I can build a belief in my future based on the greatest belief there is. A belief that has spanned for generations, a trust that has carried my ancestors and myself throughout all ages. So if I’m using the belief in Hashem as the example of an undying and unbreakable belief, then I cannot give up on my own belief.

I have talents and gifts that no other person has been able to show me that they have as well. I have desires, wishes, and hopes that no other person has matched. For some reason, that makes me feel alone in the world, but that aloneness also makes me feel like I have a duty to do them for the greater good. I cannot look at myself and choose to chase my dreams for my own selfish reasons, it has to be for the furtherance of mankind and its potential. I see the future of our people as one that is destined for true greatness, and if I would never give up on them why would I give up on myself. I, and all of us, are essential parts to the greater plan that will soon unfold.

This is me in my head running through a whole bunch of thoughts. Truthfully, my mind hasn’t given me much ease over the last week or two. My situation has not been going up and my vision has been clouded by earthly matters. Matters that are so dark and dirty that I cannot fathom how low I’ve fallen. It hurts me to even think of myself in this position, especially as the world needs me for the person I have to become. Truthfully, it is not only for the person I have become, it is also for the person I am now. The world needs me for something and I must repeat this to myself all the time.

This thinking in my head has spiraled out of control and it has taken me to a place of taking a leap. But this leap must be taken out of a place of trust in my belief. This is the solid ground that I’ll be jumping from, and it can’t be unplanned. But the planning phase is nearly done. Every worry has already been chewed up for hundreds if not thousands of hours already. How much longer will I be reviewing all options and find myself a month later without any progress?

It is time that I take this seriously or go bust! “What should be my next step? How will I do it?” Step 1: “Stop thinking! Just do it!” Step 2: “Stick to it!” Step 3: “We’ll see what step 3 is after step 1 and 2 are done!”

This has to be done with the backing of Hashem, since He is the belief that has kept my flowing hopes alive. He is the One and only rock that has taught me life and everything in and out of it. My entire existence depends on him, not just the belief in my future as articulated above. He is all and He is everything, so as long as He is on the forefront of my mind and I adhere to His laws and commands I will do just fine even if I am in debt, even if I walk too close to the edge.

I am not jumping into the abyss of the unknown, I am chasing my dream but I am no longer standing in the shadows. I am stepping out of that zone and showing up to the world, if they like it or not. “On to the Promised Land!” Even if that means war with 36 countries. 

Moshe takes us at this point in our life and demands our accountability to be truthful. Will we fight courageously or will we cower to the face of evil? What will be our next step? Will we stay stuck in the wilderness forever?

Moshe states these words, Deut. 1:10-11: Hashem your Lord has made you much and you are many as the stars in the sky. Hashem the Lord of your fathers will add upon you a thousand fold and will bless you as He has spoken to you. This is what we truly need to hear. We are about to face the greatest challenge of all, no longer are we going to be relaxed under His wing, rather we will earn His love by the acts of our work and deeds. With our ambition, determination, and belief, we will conquer our futures, together!

Shabbat Shalom

David Lemmer

LemmerHypnotherapy.com