Difficult Family Members

We Jews care about family regardless of the fact that our dear ones have been calling our beliefs into question since Gan Eden. Consider that Avraham’s father, Terah, was an idol maker, that two of Aaron’s sons, Nadav and Avihu, brought a “strange fire,” i.e., one that was not sanctioned by Hashem, into the Mishkan, that Yoseph’s brothers sold him into slavery, and that Moshe’s wife, Zipporah, had to save him from certain death by circumcising their child, herself.

In spite of the aforesaid and comparable cases, family was and remains Judaism’s core association. This rank derives from the way in which family empowers individuals to serve G-d.

While respectful and loving relationships are both the foundation and purpose of family, the Jewish family has a holy purpose beyond itself and even beyond the social realm. Its purpose is to sanctify, through living God’s Word and Way, all aspects of life. Accordingly[,] the family is the central institution of Jewish life around which daily, weekly and annual religious observance resolves (Rosen).

By “family,” Jews reference several types of flesh and blood; father/mother, i.e., parents;  son/daughter, i.e., offspring; brother/sister, i.e., siblings; and husband/wife, i.e., spouse. On the one hand, although our faith treasures other beloveds, they are not as equally prized as is nuclear family. On the other hand, these adored ones are mentioned in Torah. Mull over “Parsha Vayishlach’s” highlighting Devorah, Rivka’s nurse, “Parsha Veyetze’s” touching on Laban, Yitzchok ‘s father-in-law, and “Parsha Vayigash’s” stressing the role of Serach, Yaakov’s granddaughter. Setting aside the merit of these esteemed persons, in Torah, as in present-day life, all of the primary familial links, not all of the manifold secondary ones, are shown as vital, and are usually shown with respect to human hardship.

First, in terms of parents, although we often speak of “the tests of Avraham,” the other Avot and Emot, similarly, endured adversity. Viz., in “Parsha Vayishlach,” Yaakov returns from Aram to bury Yitzhak at Me’arat Machpela and Benyamin loses his mother, Rachel.

Their grief is that of loyal children.

G-d commanded the children to honor their parents because the gratitude that the children owe their parents for giving them life itself and for taking care of their needs transcends all else.

Our parents might be far from perfect, but we still owe them so much gratitude for all the good they did (and continue to do) for us from the beginning of our lives and onwards. We don’t always have to agree with them, and we can even think they are acting foolish and selfish at times, and we might even be very angry at them for destroying the family through the bad choices they make, yet (unless they are totally wicked) that will never cancel out the debt we owe them for bringing us into this world and taking care of us the way they did.

Even when our parents are acting like little children the way they did at Marah, we still have an obligation to honor them as a sign of our boundless gratitude for what they did for us (Torah Outreach Resource Center of Houston).

Simply, by losing parents, both Yaakov and Benyamin suffered unalterable loss.

Even though Yaakov had fled from his father’s dwelling, from Yitzhak’s failure to protect him from Esau, Yaakov remained indebted to his father.

there are limitations to this commandment (kavod av v’im]…On the other hand, any communication that you do have with your [father] must at all times be respectful (even if you are informing [him] that you are terminating the relationship, that, too, must be done with respect) (Crispe).

After all,

[p]recisely because children love their parents, they feel justified in holding them to unrealistic standards of behavior and attitude. And since parents often fall short of such absolute perfection, the resentment towards them can become so great as to lead to awful family disputes (Wein).

Notwithstanding that reality, no one can replace a parent. Under no circumstance could Yaakov substitute anyone else for Yitzhak. We cannot pretend away difficult parents nor wonderful parents who offer up difficult moments.

In an analogous way, our children matter. We see that our ancestors’ attachments to their offspring were frequently contested.  An instance of such tussling, in “Vayishlach,” is Shechem’s abduction and rape of Yaakov’s daughter, Dinah. Rashi says, in Middrash Rabba, that

[Yaakov] had placed [Dinah] in a chest and locked her in, lest Esau set his eyes on her. For this, [Yaakov] was punished in that Dinah fell into the hands of Shechem, for had [Yaakov] not withheld her from his brother, perhaps she would have brought him[, Esau,] back to the proper path.

Said G‑d to [Yaakov]: “you wouldn’t give her in marriage to a circumcised person; behold, she is now possessed by an uncircumcised one. You wouldn’t give her in legitimate wedlock; behold, she is now taken in illegitimate fashion.

To say nothing of the fact that Simeon and Levi avenged their sister by murdering Shechem’s men, hence creating great international disaster for Yaakov, their father. Neither those sons nor that daughter gave Yaakov ease.

Additionally, his Yaakov’s oldest son, Reuven, interfered with Yaakov’s marital life by relocating Yaakov’s bed from one tent to another. For that decision, the Torah faults Reuven as though he had slept with his father’s wife (“Shabbat”).

Rashi says, that “Reuben violated his father’s bed [because w]hen Rachel died, Reuben took [Yaakov’s] bed, which always had stood in Rachel’s tent, and placed it in Bilhah’s tent. Reuben resented his mother’s humiliation. “If my mother’s sister was a rival to my mother, shall the handmaid of my mother’s sister be a rival to my mother[,] [too?]”

Today, as in the past, people are distressed by the actions of their sons and daughters.

Nevertheless, it’s not just our parents and our children who might be troublesome. Furthermore, siblings might be problematic. Weigh the ongoing strife, in this parsha, between Yaakov and Esau. Middrash Rabbah explains, that “[Yaakov] was afraid that he might be killed, and distressed that he might kill.”  He didn’t want to murder his brother or be murdered by him.

The spiritual journey is often a lonely one. It includes many challenges and battles. Standing alone you will encounter forces with which you must wrestle. And this wrestling will occur during the night, when it is dark and desolate, as Jacob wrestles with Esau’s angel. This “wrestling” represents the cosmic struggle between matter and spirit, and Jacob’s victory empowers us to prevail over any adversary we face (Jacobson).

Yaakov might have been “greeted” by Esau and his 400 armed men, but he responded with singular holiness by praying, by sending Esau gifts, and by preparing for battle.

On top of that thorny sibling tie, “Parsha Vayishlach” emphasizes another fiddly one,

Dinah’s bond with her brothers, Simeon and Levi. Those young men risked their lives for their sister’s sake (Mechilta). The Lubavitcher Rebbe clarifies that “[t]he integrity of Israel was at stake, and the brothers of Dinah could give no thought to their own person—not to the jeopardy of their physical lives, nor to the jeopardy of their spiritual selves by the violence and impropriety of their deed” (Schneerson, “Parshat Vayishlach in Depth”). They felt that their actions were imperative and progressed accordingly. All in all, sibling bonds can manifest disasters or, minimally, trials.

Beyond parents, children, and siblings, we are weathered by spousal-sourced anguish. In “Parsha Vayishlach,” for example, after Rachel dies when birthing Benjamin, she is buried near Bethlehem. Although her middle-of-nowhere burial site brought solace to Am Yisrael, especially after the destruction of the first Beit HaMikdash and brings solace today as we await the third Beit HaMikdash, it likely tortured Yaakov, who was buried with Leah, his spiritual wife, but not with Rachel, his Earthly one.

There’s also the pain that can be caused by would-be spouses. Ponder that

Timna [became] a concubine to Eliphaz, Esau’s son. [She] was a royal princess, as it is written (Genesis 36:29). Desiring to become a proselyte, she went to Abraham, Isaac and [then Yaakov], but they did not accept her. So she went and became a concubine to Eliphaz the son of Esau, saying, “I would rather be a servant to this people than a mistress of another nation.” From her was descended Amalek, who afflicted Israel. Why so? Because [the Avot] should not have repulsed her (“Sanhedrin”).

Just as Yaakov was punished for keeping Dinah from Esau, he was punished for not incorporating Timna into his life. Partners (and would-be partners) can be heartbreaking nearest and dearest.

In “Parsha Vayishlach” all of the important forms of kinship obstruct our forebearers. Correspondingly, in current times, we experience familial complications. Fortunately, Torah provides us with directives for dealing with such strife.

First, as Rabbi Menachem Mendel Schneerson wrote, “Tracht gut vet zein gut,[sic.] Think good, and it will be good[’, our] thinking positively produces positive results” (Schneerson, Igrot Kodesh). By judging other folks favorably, machrio l’chaf zechut, by focusing on people, not behaviors, we can elevate ourselves above familial conflict.

A second tool we have for rising above familial clashes is joining with Hashem. We can ask, “[w]hy has G‑d sent me to this location, placed me in this situation, lured me into this relationship, consigned me to a position of influence or dependency” (Paley). To wit, we can bring to mind that The Boss runs the universe, including the undertakings of our families.

Third, we can cling to the derech eretz when we need to climb above familial fracases. Granted,

[t]he more assimilated we are into society at large, the more difficult it is to maintain the way of life and values that are nurtured and transmitted through the family. Both the pace and demands of modern living, as well as the desire for cultural conformity, have led to an overwhelming weakening and ignorance of Jewish life, to the extent that the Jewish family is often a pale shadow of its former glory (Rosen).

Be that as it may, we can reach toward the inner Jew in each of us to overcome difficult familial goings-on.

In sum, we can embrace good thoughts, remember Who truly runs our lives, and release ourselves to His will when faced with struggles between ourselves and our parents, children, siblings, or spouse. Whereas we are not as uplifted as were he Avot and Emot, like them, we cherish our families and are regularly faced with familial “growth opportunities.”

[w]e are all aware that the relationships between parents and children, as well as between other relatives in the same family are often difficult ones and fraught with potential danger, frustration and even tragedy. People within a family are very capable of disliking and even hating one another despite their biological and social connection. This is because in the basic family structure there exists a bond of love between the members of the family that is natural and quite strong. And any time strong love is present, the possibility of strong hate always lurks in the background (Wein).

Blessedly, we have our forefathers’ models and our contemporary commentators’ wisdom to aid us with these tough encounters. Even when it seems as though we’re living aspects of “Parsha Vayishlach,” we remain shepherded by HaKodesh Baruch Hu.

Sources:

Crispe, Sara Esther. “Emotionally Abusive Mother.” Chabad.org.   chabad.org/theJewishWoman/article_cdo/aid/1195265/jewish/Emotionally-Abusive-Mother. Accessed 18 Nov. 2019.

Jacobson, Rabbi Simon. “Vayishlach: The Big Confrontation – Jacob & Esau Meet.” Meaningful Life Center. 26 Nov. 2015. meaningfullife.com/vayishlach-big-confrontation-jacob-esau-meet. Accessed 17 Nov. 2019. 

Mechilta. Qtd. in “Parshat Vayishlach in Depth.” Chabad.org. chabad.org/parshah/in-depth/default_cdo/aid/35877/jewish/Vayishlach-In-Depth. Accessed 28 Nov. 2019. 

Middrash Rabba. Qtd. in “Parshat Vayishlach in Depth.” Chabad.org. chabad.org/parshah/in-depth/default_cdo/aid/35877/jewish/Vayishlach-In-Depth. Accessed Nov. 28, 2019.

Paley, Rabbi Yaakov. “Why Are You Here?” Chabad.org. chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1231402/jewish/Why-Are-You-Here. Accessed Nov. 18, 2019.

Rashi. Middrash Rabba. Qtd. in “Parshat Vayishlach in Depth.” Chabad.org. chabad.org/parshah/in-depth/default_cdo/aid/35877/jewish/Vayishlach-In-Depth. Accessed 28 Nov. 2019.

Rosen, Rabbi David. “The Family in Judaism: Past, Present and Future, Fears and Hopes.”  Rabbidavidroen.net. rabbidavidrosen.net/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Family-in-Judaism.pdf. Accessed 23 Jul. 2023.

Schneerson. Rabbi Menachem Mendel. Igrot Kodesh. Vol. 3. Kehot. 1987. 373. Qtd. in “Mendel Kalmenson. “A Time to Heal: The Lubavitcher Rebbe’s Response to Loss and Tragedy. Ch. 13. Think Good.” Chabad.org.  chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/3240794/jewish/Chapter-13-Think-Good. Accessed 17 Nov. 2019.

_____.  qtd. in “Parshat Vayishlach in Depth.” Chabad.org. chabad.org/parshah/in-depth/default_cdo/aid/35877/jewish/Vayishlach-In-Depth.. Accessed 28 Nov. 2019. 

Talmud, “Sanhedrin,” 99b. Qtd. in “Parshat Vayishlach in Depth.” Chabad.org. chabad.org/parshah/in-depth/default_cdo/aid/35877/jewish/Vayishlach-In-Depth. Accessed 28 Nov. 2019. 

Talmud. “Shabbat.” 55a. Qtd. in “Parshat Vayishlach in Depth.” Chabad.org.  chabad.org/parshah/in-depth/default_cdo/aid/35877/jewish/Vayishlach-In-Depth. Accessed 28 Nov. 2019.

Torah Outreach Resource Center of Houston. “Honor Your (Difficult) Father and Your (Difficult) Mother.” Torch: Torah Weekly. Jul. 2013. torchweb.org/torah_detail.php?id=268. Accessed 29 Nov. 2019.

Wein, Rabbi Berel. “Family Friction: Parshas Ki Seitzei.” Torah.org. 12 Sep. 2009. torah.org/torah-portion/rabbiwein-5779-ki-seitzei. Accessed 23 Jul. 2023.