Disclosure -- I’m a procrastinator | Hagar Sides

Hello world,

I have not published a post for a long time. For those of you that follow me on the social media networks already know that I uploaded moments from Atlanta airport more than anywhere in the world.

Over the past three months I have been in three countries and in 13 different cities.

I wrote all the time; my notebooks are full of experiences, moments I want to share, the recommendations I want to give, and the stories I want to tell.

But before I will tell you about it, I want to share something more personal with you.

Since I remember myself in my adult life, I have always rejected things for the last minute; whether it’s a bank problem, social security issue, or a task that concerns my studies.

Paying bills at the last minute, and any bureaucratic problems I’d solve at the last minute.

“I wrote my seminars for my degrees in 24 hours,” I tell people my experience at university.

“My brain is working only under pressure,” I would explain and lied to myself when I was putting off assignments for the last day before deadline.

I will not lie, there is something very challenging about it, my brain really works better when I have a deadline; I’m more creative, I admit. I will not forget when I wrote one of my seminars in 48 hours, without sleep, and when I finished it I went out to party. I was full of energy, flooded with adrenaline. I did not feel tired at all, but it’s not worth it.

It is not worth the fatigue after that, the completion of the hours of sleep, the migraine that will come immediately after, and certainly not the emotional stress that accompanies it.

I’ve always looked at my friends, who buy a diary each year, and manage to fulfill it with adoring tasks, and me?

I bought a diary, wrote the birthdays of those who mattered to me, drew balloons, added stickers, wrote for a week, and then it was just lying there on the dresser and I move it overtime when I clean the dresser.

Every time, I saw it shimmer through the books pile, I would be filled with self-anger for not filling it with tasks; for buying it and not use it.

I would look at the diary and assure myself that I would not buy more diaries, because “I’m not a diary kind of person” and then buy a new one: “This year, it will be different, this year I will fill it.”
I do not.

So, I accepted it. “I’m a last-minute person.” That’s what I am, I would say to myself and try to accept it without being disappointed that I cannot maintain and stick to a single to-do list.

Then came the blog.

Funny, considering that I cannot fill a simple annual diary, I chose to keep a diary that the whole world sees.

I have managed, to my great joy, to create readership that enjoys my texts and wants more, but I do not have a deadline. There is no professor that will fail me nor bank manager will call and tell me that I am being denied credit.

In the blog, I am on my own deadline and as I explained, I have a serious problem putting a deadline on myself; and it has a name, it’s called “procrastination”.

My name is Hagar and I’m a procrastinator.

Procrastination has consequences when you run a blog or any business that is yours and depends on you and your ability to do tasks and stick to a schedule. In my daily job, if I need to me produce a booth for exhibition or arrange fashion delegation to Israel, no problem, I’ll manage it in an exemplary way, but when it comes to my blog, I stare at it and fail.

Procrastination is related to perfectionism, and self-esteem.

In my case, I keep writing notes all the time, but I do not upload content that is not perfect for me, which causes snowball to only grow. Time passes and I do not upload a post and then I’m angry at myself for not posting and then I just give up because I do not want to feel like getting mad at myself again.

And why am I telling you all this?

My blog is my diary, and in my diary, I write everything (everything except assignments).

All the introduction I wrote, about the fact that I did not have time to write, to be honest, is a big fat lie. I did not like the content I wrote and therefore you did not see anything from me. I confess.

This year I decided to deal with my problem of procrastination seriously:

Last January, I began to fill in The FIVE MINUTES JOURNAL – the diary requires filling a few things in the morning and evening. I lasted four months straight. This is an achievement.

I promised myself that on June 1st I would return to it.

I downloaded a to-do list app, what didn’t work for me, I need to find another solution.

Write a to-do list like I do in my daily work.

Asking close people to nag me that I’m not posting in my blog- its pisses me off, but working.

Arranging my room more often.

I have a terrible reputation for killing flowers. Yes, I do not remember watering them.

I got an orchid from a good friend for my birthday, it’s a scoundrel after two weeks.

I was sad; again, I murdered a helpless flower, although I was really trying.

But I didn’t give up, and continued to water it and today its already with some new roots and two fresh leaves. Exciting!

Finally, I promise to publish blog post every two weeks from now on. In Hebrew and English.

If you have any more ideas to deal with procrastination, I would love to hear.

See you (in two weeks — or less),

Hagar.