Do ‘You Complete Me’?
My title (Do ‘You Complete Me’?) paraphrases a line from a famous Hollywood movie. Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise) says it to Dorothy Boyd (Rene Zellweger). It’s a popular ‘Awww!’ moment from Tinseltown. But what does he really mean, and does it relate to a moment in this week’s Torah reading?
That moment occurs when Yehudah reports telling Ya’akov Avinu: If I do not bring him back to you. I will be guilty before my father forever’ (Breishit 44:32).
Yehudah’s statement is an acceptance of AREIVUT. This powerful Halachic concept expresses an individual’s binding responsibility for another. The best known expression of this principle is KOL YISRAEL AREIVIM ZEH B’ZEH (‘Every Jew is a guarantor for every other Jew’). The most common expression of this principle is when one Jew says a BRACHA on behalf of another Jew. In many homes Friday night, one person says Kiddush and everyone else answers AMEN, and everyone has fulfilled their obligation for the Mitzvah of sanctifying the Shabbat.
Often, however, we view AREIVUT in financial terms. In both modern and Rabbinic Hebrew an AREIV is a co-signer for a loan. I vividly remember when I first made ALYIA in 1983, and all of us new OLIM were co-signing for relative strangers on their mortgages. In those days, if someone was late even once for a mortgage payment the AREIVIM were sent bills for the full amount of the loan. More than once I received bills for hundreds of thousands of dollars, because a friend was late on a mortgage payment. It was terrifying!
Well, Yehudah is also facing a terrifying circumstance: He has 100% guaranteed the safe return of Binyamin from this trip to Egypt. But here is the ruler of Egypt saying: The man in whose hand the cup is found, he shall be my slave (44:17). What is Yehudah to do?
Yehudah has promised Ya’akov that he will get Binyamin home safely, so he stands up and declares: Now please let your servant remain here as my lord’s slave, in place of the boy. Let him go back with his brothers (verse 33). The ball’s in Yosef’s court. Previously, he said: God forbid! (CHALILA LI).Only he in whose possession the goblet was found shall be my slave; the rest of you go home in peace to your father (verse 17). What should Yosef do with Yehudah’s new plea, containing the claim of AREIVUT?
Ta Dum! Yosef breaks! Game, set, match Yehudah! ‘Yosef could no longer control himself!…He cries so loud that all of Egypt could hear! “I amYosef!” (45:verses 1-3)’ The claim of AREIVUT shatters Yosef’s resolve, but why?
Reb Ya’akov Medan of Yeshivat Har Etziyon explains this emotional scene with these words: Here Yosef learns about the depth of Yehuda’s guarantee. Here he understands that it was not for nothing that Yaakov delivered Binyamin into the hands of Yehuda and that this did not stem from contempt for Binyamin’s life. Yehuda is doing everything to send Binyamin back to his father. He is prepared to be a bondsman in his place, and thereby also pay the price for his wrongdoing in connection with the sale of Yosef to Egypt. Yosef can no longer restrain himself, and he weeps openly.
Yosef concludes that Yehuda has achieved TESHUVA SHLEIMA (total repentance) for the sin of selling him into slavery. His TESHUVA is expressed by his total commitment to the safety of Binyamin. This is not the same Yehudah from the pit in Dotan. Yosef can’t control himself anymore, because the charade is no longer necessary: All the guilty parties are contrite for their crime and all 11 brothers are bowing down to Yosef in total fulfillment of the first of Yosef’s dreams (37:7).
We could end our analysis here, but I want to say something else about AREIVUT. The term AREIV is built on the root AYIN, RESH, VAV. This three letter root can mean twilight, woof of a loom, a rabble of tough guys, sweet or pleasant, and as a verb it can mean to mix or to guarantee.
It seems that this term for guarantor really means to ‘mix’. I am mixed with you. My being overlaps with yours. When we declare KOL YISRAEL AREIVIM ZEH B’ZEH. It means that you and I are connected in ways that dictate our joint destinies. But does it mean that ‘You complete me’?
I chose that phrase because it is the climactic statement from that very famous movie from 1996, Jerry Maguire, which I quoted at the beginning of this piece. Tom Cruise declares it to Rene Zellweger. That’s a lot of star power.
But is that what we mean when we say KOL YISRAEL AREIVIM ZEH B’ZEH? I think not. There‘s a problem with that declaration. Relationship expert Eunia Lee argues that this statement is troubling for long term relationships, because it declares, ‘Being with you is about ME!’ Ms. Lee points out ‘marriages often break up over this very sentiment’.
The famous phrase misses the point of AREIVUT, which must be reciprocal. It’s great when you guarantee for me. But if one person is always looking for guarantors, but never guarantees for others, that’s a very bad sign.
Yehudah is the opposite of Jerry Maguire/Tom Cruise. He is already complete! He offers to ‘complete’ someone else!
Yes, every Jew overlaps somewhat with every other Jew. We should always be looking to emulate Yehudah and help others. We should always be looking for opportunities to ‘complete’ others. Or at least help them out. Unload their donkey, or help with a flat tire. The point of Yehudah isn’t ‘neediness’. It’s about friendship and comradery and concern.
The Chatam Sofer says that this noble act of Yehudah is why his Tribe was the first to bring gifts during the dedication of the Mishkan (Bamidbar 7:12, Torah reading for the first day of Chanukkah). Fascinating, but I strongly suspect this is one of the reasons that MASHIACH will come from the Tribe of Yehudah! We want leaders who do not ask to be completed, but who complete others!