Do you want to be the next UN Secretary-General?
Antonio Guterres—whose name is regularly preceded by the stiffly formal salutation “His Excellency,” but who will be cordially referred to hereinafter as “Mr. G”—is, as everyone knows, the reigning Secretary-General of the United Nations. But Mr. G’s term will come to an end in December of 2026 and, because he’s finishing his second term, he can’t serve again.
So, next year the office of U.N. Secretary-General will be open and unfilled, waiting for a new occupant. Would you, dear reader, possibly be interested in snagging that job? If your answer is in the affirmative, read on—I’ve got some valuable insights into how one goes about qualifying for the position.
First off, it’s important that you have impressive linguistic skills. After all, the U.N. is by definition an international body, and different nations obviously conduct their affairs in different languages. So, you need to be able to make yourself understood in lots of different tongues: French, English, Spanish, Chinese, Russian, etc., are all very desirable. Mr. G, in fact, is fluent in the first three, and he also adds his native Portuguese to the list. That’s pretty impressive, I would say.
But you might be surprised to learn that, as a prospective U.N. Secretary-General, you must train yourself to NEVER say certain things in any language whatsoever. For example, the word “Hamas” should never pass your lips. It doesn’t matter if you’re speaking English, Arabic, Urdu or Azerbaijani—never say “Hamas”. Same goes for “Islamist terrorism.” And you also can’t say, “the West Bank,” or “the occupied territories,” or (Heaven forbid) “Judea and Samaria.” No, no, no! You must always say, “the occupied Palestinian territories, including East Jerusalem.” I think you get my drift.
Just as there are things you should not say in any language, there is one thing you should learn to say in lots of languages. That is, you must be able to ask “Is the fish fresh?” in all of the major languages of international diplomacy, and lots of other languages as well.
Don’t forget: as Secretary-General, you’ll be dining out in NYC, Paris, Geneva, Beijing, Moscow, etc., etc. Mr. G has in fact posed that crucial question in a multitude of different languages—with perfect fluency and a proper accent—to waiters in fancy restaurants in just about every major city in the world. You should strive to match his impressive level of linguistic proficiency. (It’s true that Mr. G can’t ask that question in Hebrew, because his linguistic skills don’t extend to that language. But that’s okay—he’s persona non grata in Israel anyway.)
The next thing you will have to work on is arithmetic. You know: 2 + 2 = 4, and stuff like that. But what I’m really referring to is higher math. For example, you must be able to comprehend that 1.6 billion is a number that is 100 times larger than 16 million.
Why is that kind of knowledge so important? Well, let’s just say for argument’s sake that 1.6 billion is a reasonable approximation of the number of Muslims in the world, and 16 million is similarly an approximation of the number of Jews worldwide. It should be pretty darn obvious that, if you as Secretary-General have to choose between the interests of people who are 100 times more numerous than another group of people, you’re going to go with the big group every time. Don’t worry yourself about truth, morality, or legality—just focus on the fact that one number is 100 times larger than the other number. That’s what Mr. G does, and you are trying to follow in his footsteps, are you not?
Other arithmetical truths are equally important. Do you realize that 22 is a quantity that represents 11.39% of the quantity 193? This is arithmetical knowledge you should have at your fingertips, because there are 193 member states in the United Nations, and 22 of them have Arabic as their official language. You should also have 11.91% fixed in your head, because there are 23 countries in the U.N. that have Islam as their official religion, and they represent 11.91% of all member states.
In contrast, there’s exactly one country that has Hebrew as an official language, and one country with Judaism as an official religion—and it’s the same country! I’m not going to bother figuring out what percentage 1 out of 193 amounts to—Mr. G hasn’t bothered to figure that out either.
The last area of expertise you’ll have to master is finance. You’ll need to understand that the United States is the country that is the largest single contributor to the U.N. budget, funding 22% of the regular budget and over 25% of the peacekeeping budget. What that means, in practical terms, is that any Secretary-General has to be very careful to make nice to the U.S. You might not think that the president of the U.S. is a very nice fellow, and that president might not always say very nice things about you, but focus on the numbers 22% and 25%, and be nice.
But being nice to the U.S. doesn’t mean you have to be nice to every ally of the U.S. Remember our arithmetic lessons: there are 1.6 billion Muslims, and there are substantial percentages of Arab and Muslim member states in the U.N., together with scores of states that identify as “developing nations,” or “the Global South,” or “the Third World,” or “the BRICS,” etc. All of them resent the success and wealth of the U.S. and the Western values the U.S. exemplifies.
A shrewd and deft Secretary-General can both cozy up to the U.S. and at the same time mollify a host of anti-U.S. players in the so-called international community. All he or she has to do is re-direct attacks that would otherwise be made against the U.S. and Western values so that the new target of those attacks is a country that also represents Western values but is much less powerful and influential than the U.S. Simply put, the target of those attacks should be Israel. Mr. G has pulled that off, and so can his successor.
I’m eagerly anticipating the day when I can address one of the readers of this column as “His (or Her) Excellency.” Maybe it will be you.