Doing the Tango

Mother-daughter relationships, three seemingly simple words, yet, they hold the thoughts and feelings of possibly more than a million.

As a mother, you either have a great one, or you don’t.

If you have it, you are blessed beyond anything money can ever buy, or any other gift God can bestow upon you.

If you have a daughter, and you don’t have it, there is an ache so deep inside of you, that there is nothing in the entire Universe that can fill that hole.  Absolutely nothing, and every mother that feels this, knows exactly what I mean. You feel it, right now, as that tear is slowly rolling out of your eye and down your cheek.

Mother’s Day is approaching, and you will tell yourself, “it’s only a Hallmark Holiday.”  You will try to convince yourself for the umpteenth time, that it’s meaningless.

I have a different consideration. Whether these feelings are new to you, or these are wounds that run so deep that sometimes you think you need to just amputate something already, I say, this Sunday, wherever you live in this world, feel your feelings, but set a timer.  Designate a set amount of time, say 30 minutes, to feel whatever emotions you choose.  Maybe you are feeling angry, sad, guilty, sorry, betrayed, lonely, or even jealous of your friends, who possibly aren’t understanding you, and how stuck you are feeling?  Let it all rip for the designated amount of time, but then, when that timer goes off, it’s time for new considerations.

As “Jewish Mothers”,  we have “hearts of gold.”  After all, wasn’t one of our greatest mothers and leaders of modern times, called Golda?  If that’s the case, we must open our minds, not just our hearts, to other perceptions and possibilities.

Staying stuck is not a choice.

As the mother, you have danced “The Tango” so many times with your daughter(s). It’s like a dueling dance.  It’s a dance of tremendous passion.  The line between love and hate is such a fine one.  So many a time have the words “I hate you” escaped the lips of a daughter directed at her mother, and how many times has a mother quietly walked away to lick her wounds, like a wounded kitten, because at that moment, the thought that goes through her mind is, “I want my mommy.”  It is so deeply embedded in our DNA.

Considerations are a powerful tool, to help us cope when we get stuck, and need to move on with living our lives.

My first suggestion, as a consideration, is acceptance.  Accepting reality, is a hard pill to swallow.  I suggest breaking it into little bits and pieces, mixing it with a lot of humor, stirring it with a drink or two periodically (not too often, lol), and then swallowing it with a good strong, extra dose, of the Israeli mentality to overcome, just about anything and everything (including wars, terrorist attacks, and Israeli politics and bureaucracy)!

The second consideration, would be, to be less rigid, or to be more easygoing.  In Hebrew, we would say you need to לזרום, to go with the flow.  Americans, especially from the Tri-State area, are very accustomed to planning everything well in advance.  Bar and Bat Mitzvah’s are booked 3 years in advance to reserve “the date.” While your child is still in camp, you are getting an “early bird” registration form for the following summer, with the knowledge that if you don’t register your child, a year in advance, you might lose your “coveted” spot.  I have learned that the more rigid I am, the more I “push” people away.  Easygoing, is so much more pleasant.  If I have a hope or a dream, and it doesn’t match up with the dream or the hope of someone I love, sometimes, most of the time, all of the time, I have to really look hard, to see the blockage, as to why I can’t see the other person’s perspective.

Finally, I think, the last but definitely not the least consideration, that I personally would suggest, would be to “release.”  When nothing else is working, and you still find yourself stuck, and not in the best of places emotionally, the best of all considerations, is to release it to God.  Our faith, is our pillar.  It is our fundamental core.  If God forbid, you lose your faith, the worst scenario happens. That is when someone doesn’t see the purpose in their life anymore.

I want to wish every single mother, mother-to-be and all mother wannabe’s, a fulfilling Mother’s Day, whether you are alone or surrounded by your children.  I salute you, for everything you do every single day, whether it is in action or in your heart and in your mind.

May you find joy and peace of mind, this Sunday and every day.

About the Author
Hadar Sela, American by birth, Israeli by choice, living in Ashkelon, Southern Israel, survivor of a Hamas terrorist rocket attack, “Living Deliberately” Life Coach, committed to living life consciously each and every day.
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