Donald’s Schlong (Satire)

As a ten-year-old, I grew up in the New York town of Woodridge. In that town, I listened, learned, and understood as my parents and grandmother spoke to me in Yiddish. I also learned Yiddish at Schwartz’s Bakery, Kagan’s Butcher Shop, Hechtman’s Hardware Store, Willie’s Luncheonette, Krutman’s Candy Store, and Rittner’s Grocery Store where it was the old folk’s second tongue.

And while hanging out on the streets and in alleys of Woodridge, I learned the meaning of the word, “schlong.”

So when fellow New Yorker, Donald J. Trump, recently used the word, “schlong” on the campaign trail, it brought back fond memories of living in small-town Jewish America.  In the majestic Catskill mountains where a blend of German and Hebrew was spoken on Main Street and Broadway.

Sadly today, I hardly ever hear Yiddish spoken, except from  the mouth of Donald J. Trump. He pronouns schlong like a lower East-Side Jew. This fact doesn’t surprise me, for I have known for a long time that the Donald, like most men, are obsessed with their schlongs. But weirdly, the Donald is also obsessed with the size of the late Arnold Palmer’s genitalia. A fact every American needed to know before they headed to the ballot box.

Then the Donald showed off his cultural ties with the Hebrews when he said, “I’m amazed the Harvey Weinstein was schlonged by the Democrats.” This too was another issue that was sorely needed to be discussed with the voting public before election day.

But Donald can’t stop talking about his thing. His reptilian brain tries to control his obsessions but often fails to control his appetite for sexual satisfaction. Medical experts have said, “It a toss-up on which rates higher in Donald’s brain his quest for dirty money or satisfying his schlong’s quest for happiness.”

So when Donald talks about his thing, I wondered, “Is Donald trying to get out the Jewish vote by throwing out one of the four Yiddish words he knows?” (The other three being putz, schmeckel, and schmuck which ironically also relate to his private parts.)  I can hear the Trump Jews kvelling, “He must love Israel a lot because he speaks in their Jewish tongue. He so smart he fluent in two languages.”

I wanted to tell these meshugahs, “That’s exactly what the US needs a leader who thinks with his putz. Trump has schlonged Americans for way too long. At his age (78), he should be practicing his Yiddish in the Alter Cockers Home for the Mentally Impaired and the Delusional.”

And in the Home, he could think about how much his troublemaker has cost him.

He’s the shortlist:

1. E. Jean Carroll’s— $5,000,000 judgment for rape and 83,000,000 for defamation;
2. Stormy Daniels—$130,000 for covering up one nonconsensual sexual encounter;

3. The 30 brave victims of assault, battery, and schlonging who exposed Donald to the media;

4. Maybe some well-deserved time behind bars.

And then it hit me, “What if Donald’s thing could talk, what would it say?”

“Any woman that votes for me deserves to be schlonged across her head and any man who votes for me is a schmuck trying to find their manhood.”

Then to my great surprise, I realized that “Donald’s schlong really does have a brain.”