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Este Abramowitz

Don’t Give Up on Giving

Merriam Webster Dictionary Online. “Gift.” https://www.merriam-webster.com/grammar/usage-of-gift-vs-present.

King Shlomo compares a person who loves money to one who hates it, ending the verse with ושונא מתנות יחיה, one who hates gifts will live. Quoting this pasuk, the Rambam and Shulchan Aruch discuss the middas ha-chasidus (righteous trait) of an individual who runs away from the handouts of man and only relies on HaShem to support him. This is an incredible teaching from our Sages of the power of Bitachon, of placing our full trust in Gd.

Another value we learn from שונא מתנות יחיה is selflessness. Many times we give in order to take. The word מתנה or gift is from the root לתת, to give. Often we want to give in order to eventually receive. Although it is not officially a root word of מתנה, the infinitive להמתין means to wait. Sometimes we give a gift only to wait or expect something back. In this way, the words ושונא מתנות יחיה also mean one who refuses to give, based on an expectation to receive, will earn a long life. Many of us involve ourselves in a transaction of sorts where we give to others naturally wanting something in exchange—whether it’s a physical gift or something less tangible like approval, love or admiration.

To this innate human feeling, Shlomo HaMelech says No! שונא מתנות יחיה. We should reject the idea of giving in getting. To give solely to give is a high level. We can have the best intentions in giving but generally, if we introspect, there is some percent of that act—whether eight or eighty—where we hope for something in return. This is why we call burial, or הלוית המת, a חסד של אמת, a kindness of truth because it is the purest form of giving without expecting to receive; after all the person cannot give back to us in any form. When we can extend ourselves to others selflessly—that is, without waiting for something back—we earn a great reward.

Certainly this does not mean that if we receive gifts, we should reject them and not enjoy the taking. If we look at Rav Dessler’s Kuntres HaBechirah, his essay on choice and free will, one of the tenets he discusses is how giving is not always giving and taking is not always essentially taking. Sometimes giving is taking and taking is giving. Therefore, when someone buys you something extra special and it’s hard for you to accept because it’s lavish or you feel bad that they went “all out”on you or you want to live up to Mishlei’s principle of not enjoying gift taking, remember that many times, the act of taking can, instead, be the act of giving.

By allowing someone to give to you, this can be an act of giving to them. And many times when we give, it’s only a means of taking, because if we analyze our true intention, the gift wrap and bows and stuffed tissue might all just be about proving to them something maybe as deep and consequential as I’m worthy of your love and asking and waiting for that love in return.

So the next time you fill that bag with confetti and write a special note—which is something so nice in itself no matter what analysis of that gift giving you can come up with—humor yourself and ask this question: Am I giving to give or to take, or a little bit of both? You might be surprised, after a few minutes of thought, by your answer.

And if you’re the one receiving that specially wrapped gift, make sure to show extra appreciation for it because you will be beautifully selfless in that taking—since extending your hand to receive may very well be extending your hand to give.

About the Author
Este Abramowitz is a Yeshiva English teacher and has a Master of Arts in Jewish History from Touro Graduate School of Jewish Studies. She lives in Lakewood, NJ with her husband and children.
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