Don’t Let the Nose Pickers Fool You

It’s a confusing time in the Middle East. Israel is under attack…or, if you believe much of the world leader and the Swedish Foreign Minister, Israel is attacking innocent Palestinians with their necks, stomachs and backs.

Just this morning, I saw the following press release and thought I’d share it. Do I have to point out it is satire? Satire born out of anger and pain? Can you look beneath, finally look through the absurd headlines of supposedly reputable news agencies such as the International Business Times that leads with a headlines that speaks of Israel shooting three Palestinians yesterday…and only later getting around, deep in the article, to tell you one attempted to stab a security guard, one shot two policemen, one stabbed 10 people, killing one. Actually, the reporter mistakenly reported that one was shot after stabbing a man in Petach Tikvah. That terrorist died – but by the knife and the victim he attacked.

So, in satire, I offer you the following press release:

PRESS RELEASE FROM THE IONP

Date: March 9, 2016

Subject: Joint Press Release from IONP Headquarters in London, Washington, Stockholm, NY and Ramallah

Title: Two Palestinians Shot While Innocently Picking Their Noses in a Car

Early this morning in Jerusalem, Israeli police shot two Palestinians dead. The men were sitting in their car, which was reported to have acted on its own to nearly run over a pedestrian. Israeli guards shot at the car, accidentally missing the car and killing the passengers inside. The two men were long-time members of the IONP (International Organization of Nose Pickers).

In a press conference called shortly after the incident in Jerusalem, Norm Shnoze, Chairperson of IONP stated, “Look, I’m Jewish and I know the Israelis are having a hard time but they didn’t even give these guys a chance to explain. I’m sure they really meant only to stop and offer the pedestrian a tissue. We have to all just get along.”

The IONP immediately condemned the shooting of two of their members and suggested Israelis are being paranoid, “Just because someone was killed yesterday and over a dozen people were injured in at least five attacks doesn’t mean Israelis should shoot nose pickers. Yes, I’m aware that there have been 300 attacks or more in the last few weeks, but how many of them were committed by nose pickers?”

Mahmoud Bicker, Chair of the Ramallah IONP branch denied that the ISIS flag found in the car meant that the men were terrorists. Over a video connection, Bicker said “Doesn’t everyone have an ISIS flag in their car? I do.”

Asked whether the men in the car had opened fire on a bus earlier in the morning and had also shot and seriously wounded an Israeli man near HaTzanchanim Street, Bicker responded, “Details, details. We are talking about nose picking not the news.”

US Vice President Joe Biden, visiting Israel, condemned the deaths saying that random folks picking their noses should not be targeted and not everyone who picks their nose is a terrorist. He called on Israel to show restraint. “We don’t shoot nose pickers in America,” he stressed, “even work place picking is something that a democracy has to accept from time to time.”

Israel’s national police spokesperson, Micki Rabinstein released the following statement, “Israel is a democracy, open to all, including nose pickers. The police did not target these men because they were picking their noses but because they were Palestinian terrorists targeting Israeli civilians.”

“Details, details,” replied the IONP after learning of Micki’s statement, “we are going to the UN. We’ve already amassed enough votes to issue a condemnation.”

“They were f******g terrorists,” shouted Rabinstein as he was led away by the IDF spokesperson’s office who was heard whispering to Micki, “give up…they’re so f*****g stupid they’ll never get it.

And there you have, another day in paradise.