Don’t Put All Your Blessings in One Child: A Lesson in Sibling Rivalry

There is a “debate” that I suspect takes place among most siblings (since I refuse to believe it only happens in my family) over who is the favorite child. I hate when my children play this game, even though I played it growing up and still jokingly play it with my own brothers. Now that I am a parent, I recognize that nothing good comes of it. When taken seriously, the game breeds bitterness, feelings of being less loved, and rivalry among siblings for their parents’ attention and affection. It also creates the impression that there is a hierarchy among children within the family, rather than allowing each child to occupy a distinct and equally valued place. Parents may insist, “I love you all differently, but equally,” yet children may not experience their parents’ love that way. When they come to believe that one sibling’s recognition comes at the expense of another’s, they may feel compelled to compete for their parents’ love. They may also unwittingly reproduce the very patterns of favoritism and sibling rivalry they experienced growing up, perpetuating the cycle across generations.

The story of Jacob and Esau suggests that sibling rivalry is not always about what one child has and another lacks, but about what each believes their parents’ affection says about their place in the family.

Even in the womb, Esau and Jacob appear to be at odds, though vigorous fetal movement or jostling between twins does not necessarily indicate hostility. Moreover, two brothers can become founders of different nations, and those nations can eventually enter a power struggle, without the brothers themselves harboring animosity toward one another. Yet, in the story of Esau and Jacob, what begins as a prediction of later conflict seems to become a self-fulfilling prophecy, shaping the brothers’ relationship into one of rivalry.

As the children grow up, they develop different interests, one preferring to play outside and eventually becoming a skilled hunter; the other more of a homebody. Allowing children to explore their own interests is a good parental move; treating them preferentially because of their differences is a recipe for conflict. Yet, because Isaac had a taste for game, he loved Esau. Rebecca, on the other hand, loved Jacob. The Bible oftentimes uses the language of love and hatred to describe unequal affection or preference, rather than literal hatred. Think of Leah compared to Rachel (Gen. 29:31), or the general case of a man who “has two wives, one loved and the other hated” (Deut. 21:15-17). They were not actually hated; compared to their rival, they felt as if they were hated.

What occurs between marital rivals can also occur between siblings. Perceived differences in parental attention and affection can leave a child feeling displaced or overlooked. Belief that there is room for only one “favorite” can reinforce the sense that they must compete for their parents’ love. In this light, Jacob’s desire for the bechora, the status and recognition of the firstborn, may have reflected more than a desire to carry on the family legacy. It may also have been an attempt to gain his father’s attention, and perhaps even his affection. Esau, on the other hand, saw little value in the bechora. He may have had no desire to assume the responsibility that comes with being the bechor and, already secure in his father’s affection, felt no need to keep the title for formal recognition.

Esau’s security in his father’s affection changes when Isaac’s blessing goes to Jacob, intensifying their rivalry. When Esau comes to Isaac, meal in hand, to receive his blessing, he cries bitterly upon learning that someone else has already received it. Yet he does not initially speak ill of the person who took it. Instead, he asks his father for a blessing of his own, assuming Isaac has more than one blessing to give. Esau does not even criticize Jacob until Isaac first describes his brother’s actions as deceitful. Only after Isaac tells him, “Your brother came with deceit and took away your blessing,” does Esau make a play on Jacob’s name, invoking a double meaning of supplanting and deceiving. Even after accusing Jacob of supplanting him, Esau remains focused on whether his father has another blessing to give. When Isaac then tells him that he will serve his brother until he can break free from Jacob’s dominion, Esau begins to harbor a grudge and desire revenge. “Because of the blessing his father had given him,” Esau may have come to see himself as the rejected (read: hated) son and Jacob as the one who is now loved.

Esau tries to regain his father’s approval. When he sees Isaac send Jacob to Haran to find a wife, he goes to Ishmael’s family to find another wife as well. Esau’s Hittite wives had long been “a source of bitterness to Isaac and Rebecca.” His desire to remarry at this point suggests that, despite everything that had happened, Esau still wanted his father’s approval.

Read this way, Esau is not angry only because his brother supplanted him, but he is also struggling with his own standing in his father’s eyes.

The pattern of sibling rivalry continues with Jacob’s children, suggesting that those who experience the consequences of parental favoritism may unwittingly repeat them. Also, given that my brothers and I still jokingly debate who is the favorite, perhaps some degree of sibling rivalry is simply part of life. Yet, the story of Jacob and Esau can remind us of the dangers of parents intensifying that rivalry or causing their children to believe they must compete for parental love.

Loving our children equally does not require treating them identically. It means making sure that none wonders whether another has taken their place. The truest gift we can give our children is the recognition that they are unique people with their own needs, interests, and aspirations and the confidence that they each have their own place in the family.