Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Moshe-Mordechai van Zuiden
Psychology, Medicine, Science, Politics, Oppression, Integrity, Philosophy, Jews -- For those who like their news and truths frank and sharp

Eating and having sex is not for fun

Eating and having sex is not for fun. In fact, if you do this for fun, it’s not much fun at all. I’m talking about psychological values, not morality. Being ethical is also important, but for now, I will not take that into account. Yet, I watched out that this text will not be pornographic.

Eating

Eating is to support your health. If you eat well, you do just that. But if you eat because you feel bored, frustrated, sad, lonely, nervous (some people can’t eat when they feel tense) or without thinking about it (snacking at the TV), then you probably still feel unpleasant after that, and nauseous.

When you eat for the right reason and the right food, it hopefully and probably tastes, smells and feels good, but most importantly, you should feel satisfied (not: stuffed) afterward and have supported your health.

There are two ways to get your fill. One, to eat till you can’t anymore. Food that can easily and quickly be eaten with little chewing may give you a feeling of being full but it won’t last too long. Only food that’s wholesome, tasteful and needs chewing gives lasting satisfaction – and nutrition.

Just eating for your health without any enjoyment is like taking medicine. It’s incomplete. But sometimes we need to eat stuff (or refrain from eating stuff) because it’s good for us. Or sometimes we can’t taste anything but that is no reason to not supply your body with what it needs.

When we eat when we don’t need it, we develop an addiction. Stuffing ourselves may momentarily feel great but after that, we’re feeling even lousier. Eating from craving stuff we don’t need is not really pleasurable, except maybe for a short while. You may incidentally get some nutritional food in, but most probably not or mixed with junk food. Anything that is poisonous, if it doesn’t kill you, is addictive. Don’t start!

Having Sex

Having sex is for making babies and for deeply connecting. Making babies I’ll leave aside for now.

Having sex is to deeply connect with another grownup. If you do just that, you do just that. But if you have sex because you feel bored, frustrated, sad, lonely, nervous (some people can’t have sex when they feel tense) or without thinking about it (porno), then you probably still feel unpleasant after that, and lonely. Extra lonely because, instead of connecting to someone, you connected to nothing.

When you have sex for the right reason and in the right way, it hopefully and probably feels good, but most importantly, you should feel satisfied (not: exhausted) afterward and feel less lonely.

Just having sex for connecting without any enjoyment is like taking medicine. It’s incomplete. But sometimes we need to do it to make the other happy. Yet, never do something for the other that revolts you because that backfires.

When we have sex when we don’t need it or not to connect, we develop an addiction. Sex for excitement may momentarily feel great, but after that, we’re feeling even lousier. Having sex only because we felt horny is not really pleasurable, except maybe for a short while. You may incidentally get some connection, but most probably not or mixed with feeling isolated. Sex without building a connection leads to a sex addiction — craving more useless sex. Don’t even start!

Just like with a good relationship, good sex is about mutual giving and receiving. Fake-sex, not connecting but just wanting the feelings, is neither giving nor receiving — it is grabbing. (Life is not give and take but give and receive.)

This way there is no burnout between sexual partner. After all, the goal is not to grab sex but to give sex to the other — and being ready to receive from the other. How could one get tired of deeply connecting? Only something as stupid as an addiction gets dull.

Masturbation or mutual masturbation is not sex. It is a sex addiction that left you looking for grabbing sex and climaxing, without spending time on foreplay. Try to connect instead. In the beginning, this might feel not so hot. Maybe, you suddenly would become very picky about your partner. It can feel vulnerable to connect with not the right person for you. Trying to deeply connect may stir up in you and/or the other some deep feelings. Be happy to receive what your partner needs to share, whether it’s tears, laughter, shaking, perspiring, talking, yawning or deep silence. You can’t expect the walls of separation to come down without emotional discharge.

In fact, sex does not connect. Connecting you do yourselves, through doing things together, listening to each other, eye contact, cuddling, massages. Sex then on top of that solidifies that connection. Climaxing might not always be so important.

Having sex with passersby or on your own might make you lonelier.

Did you really know all of this? This information could help people to make choices that give them better lives. Please try it and spread the word.

About the Author
MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. He doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. * This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 1400 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. * Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. * Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. * He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. * He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me.
Related Topics
Related Posts
Comments