Elections ’26: The Parties Set to Ru(i)n Israel
Important Caveat: This is entirely fictional. Although some of these ideas may sound suspiciously familiar.
Israel is heading for another election, giving voters a fresh chance to choose a government that might last until the next one.
- The Power Party (מפלגת הכוח)
“Equality is for people who can’t afford better.”
Under its plan, public education ends for families who can’t pay private school fees. Poor children can learn from YouTube, advertisements included.
Citizenship comes in Basic, Gold and Platinum packages. Full civil rights start at ₪25,000 a month.
Elections are scrapped in favour of an auction. Highest bidder becomes prime minister.
And poverty becomes a criminal offence, punishable by a fine.
- The Billionaires’ Union (איחוד המיליארדרים)
“We’ve already contributed enough by being successful.”
Billionaires pay no income tax. The shortfall is covered by people who actually receive payslips.
The beaches go first, then the sea, then eventually the air. Breathing subscriptions will be available at competitive rates.
Wealthy donors will also write legislation themselves. The party calls this “cutting out the middleman.”
Their apartments will be registered in the Tabu within a week. Everyone else’s, within the decade.
- The Immunity Party (מפלגת החסינות)
“Innocent until investigated. Then even more innocent.”
All politicians receive lifelong immunity, extended to their families, accountants and anyone who has ever bought them lunch.
Investigating corruption carries a heavier sentence than committing it.
The State Comptroller is replaced by a PR company. Any remaining scandal can be erased by declaring it politically motivated.
- The National Fear Party (מפלגת הפחד הלאומי)
“If you’re not frightened, we’re not trying hard enough.”
Every morning, Israelis receive an emergency alert about a threat too sensitive to explain.
Whenever the polls dip, a minister announces another existential danger, preferably on television with a large map.
Government failures become classified security matters.
A Ministry of Panic operates around the clock, with generous overtime during election campaigns.
- The Coalition Blackmail Party (מפלגת הסחיטה הקואליציונית)
“Our principles are sacred. Our prices are negotiable.”
The party will join any government, from any side, provided the payment arrives before the swearing-in ceremony.
Each of its MKs expects three ministries, a driver, a budget and a place in the rotation agreement. Their turn as prime minister begins in 2041.
It threatens to bring down the government every Tuesday unless more funding is approved.
Coalition agreements bind everyone except the people who sign them.
- The Bureaucratic Nightmare Party (מפלגת הבירוקרטיה)
“Your application matters to us. Please try again in 2037.”
Citizens will need a permit to apply for permission to request a government form.
Renewing a passport at Misrad HaPnim will require an appointment, which will require a valid passport.
Official websites are open between 2:00 and 2:07 a.m. on alternate Thursdays.
Complaining about excessive fees costs ₪500.
A National Queueing Authority coordinates the waiting lists, with appointments available seven years in advance.
The party’s manifesto is currently unavailable because the PDF won’t open.
- The Nepotism Party (מפלגת המקורבים)
“It’s not what you know. It’s who your father knows.”
Senior public appointments are reserved for politicians’ relatives, ideally without relevant qualifications.
Government tenders are decided in the family WhatsApp group, after the customary twenty minutes of Shabbat Shalom stickers.
Ministers may appoint their children as successors, and conflict-of-interest declarations are abolished.
The party insists this has nothing to do with nepotism. Its chairman’s son, who also serves as its legal adviser, agrees.
- The People’s Party, Terms Apply (מפלגת העם, בכפוף לתנאים)
“We hear you. We just have other priorities.”
Before the election, the party guarantees free healthcare, affordable housing, better schools and lower prices.
Afterwards, these promises are reclassified as aspirations.
Complaints can be sent to a dedicated fax line, which nobody checks.
A Happiness Tax funds government advertising explaining how delighted Israelis are with their lives.
The Coalition Negotiations
Once all 120 fictional Knesset seats will be counted, the eight parties will quickly agree on the essentials, along with a joint campaign slogan: “Eight parties. Eight visions. One bank account.”
Public money should be protected from the public. Accountability should apply mainly to the opposition. And every citizen deserves a voice, provided the coalition spokesperson approves it.
The only serious dispute is over the Ministry of Public Money Redistribution to Private Bank Accounts.
The Billionaires’ Union wants it permanently. The Coalition Blackmail Party wants it on rotation. The Nepotism Party has already appointed the minister’s nephew.
Negotiations will continue until the next election.
Satire. All parties, platforms and coalition negotiations are fictional. Any resemblance to Israeli politics is entirely up to the reader.
