Fake News of the Day

Perhaps you heard it on the radio. Or on evening television. Or in YISRAEL HAYOM. It was the latest news.

Yuli Edelstein has refused to follow the decision of our Supreme Court, adhering to the advice of his boss, our not-for-much-longer prime minister.

The police have surrounded his home and before tomorrow he will be arrested on charges of disobeying a Supreme Court law.

Blue and White will immediately vote Meir Cohen in as our new Knesset Speaker. Loud hurrahs. Right bloc abstained from voting.

With the new Knesset now re-opened, democracy has returned to Israel. Dictatorship is on its deathbed.

Benny Gantz has declared that the first new law will be to prevent any Knesset member who has a criminal record from serving as a prime minister.

Of course, if the law is passed by 61 votes, Bibi Netanyahu will be prevented from ever serving again.

I don’t really know if it is due to revenge or if it is seen as a correction of errors. Nothing personal, mind you. No matter that Blue and White, the Joint List and Avigdor Lieberman all hate Netanyahu. In Israeli democracy only the good can govern. The less-than-good must enter permanent retirement. That will be our new law.

The Arab Joint List which earned 15 seats in the Knesset will become members of the Zionist movement upon taking office. There will be a Tibi instead of a Bibi.

The racist law declaring us as a Jewish State will be revoked and re-written. We are a State of all our citizens including 20 percent of non-Jews.

Arabic will be returned to its previous 100 year history as one of our three national languages.

Our National anthem HaTikvah (The Hope) will be revised and some word changes in Imber’s poem will reflect the solidarity of our people. Of all our people. The words “nefesh Yehudi” (the Jewish soul) will be revised to “nefesh Yisraeli” (the Israeli soul).

Our national flag, blue and white with a Shield of David (Magen David) in the center will have a slight change but one acceptable to Jews and non-Jews in Israel. The Shield of David will be replaced by seven stars in the center according to the original plan of Theodor Herzl.

Busses will be allowed to run on Shabbat for the use of non-religious non-observant Jews. Malls will be open for all shoppers who have buying needs. Kosher food will be recognized by local rabbis in individual cities rather than by a State authority.

Bezeq will be required to accept communication competition.

Kupat Cholim, the national health services will have new hours: open 24 hours 7 days a week to accommodate sick persons.

Election laws will immediately be changed. Israelis will vote directly for a prime minister instead of a political party.

Hilltop settler youth found guilty of causing personal harm to citizens of a minority will be arrested, stand trial, and learn to become accustomed to new life in one of our lovely designer-made prison cells.

Yigal Amir’s wife will give birth to a baby boy. She will give him the name of Yitzchak. I wonder why?

And finally, every citizen of Israel will be required to sign an oath pledging loyalty and respect for the State of Israel.

And that, dear readers, is the newest items of today’s news. Comments may be sent to the editor.