Family Estrangement and Communal Life

Americans are now seeing a significant increase in family estrangement. Recent data tells us that fully 34-37% of us have at least one family relationship we have ended, and these numbers are much greater for younger Americans. While 20% of Boomers report an estrangement, fully 60% of Gen-Z do. There are a lot of us walking away from relationships and our families. And 50% of these estrangements last for four years or more.

Why do we sever ties? These cut-offs are not just boundary setting; they are more profound. People report many reasons, but they are driven by three issues: emotional safety, values differences and past trauma.

I wonder, however, if there’s another issue. I wonder if we’re just not making deep enough roots – in our relationships, in our communities. Each of us wants to know that we matter, that we would be missed if we were gone. Are we building relationships with enough depth to make ourselves necessary to other people?

Within Jewish spaces, this may be even more critical. We speak of synagogues, JCCs and other institutions as “family.” But what does family mean if I can walk away from it? If I can sever ties with siblings, parents and children, why would I feel deeply connected to a place? Not by talking about family!

We used to say, “it takes a village.” Our villages are increasingly our families of choice, friends who support us. But these people may move away or disturb us with their political leanings. I believe that family must be more than simply the people on my emergency contact list.

I think that one essential aspect of the village is that these people have witnessed my life. Siblings are our oldest witnesses. While they may not know the me I am today well, they have seen my early struggles, shared spaces and stories. Solid sibling relationships are built on tolerance and deep connection – connection that can overcome differences. Deeply felt connection always has space for forgiveness and growth. As people change, relationships worth having adapt.

Healthy congregations and institutions can build these types of connection. They are places of care and curiosity.  And tolerance.

I’ve been facilitating a program in my synagogue we call “Brain Food.” We read articles and discuss them. I pick articles that are challenging and occasionally controversial, and we listen carefully to each other’s opinions and ideas. When the session is over, people hang around. And continue to talk – about their lives, the articles, ideas. And I find myself having conversations about the articles weeks later. We’re not building family. We’re building tolerance, witnesses. We’re laying the groundwork for actual relationships.

It wouldn’t work for everyone. Some of us need social action projects, some need parenting sessions, some need to learn to make challah. But we all need witnesses.

I think we need to stop talking about family as the bond that brings us together. Family isn’t working for many of us. Let us become witnesses to each other. Let us dance and mourn together, deepen our relationships through shared values, study and time.  Choose people who add meaning to our lives and cultivate lasting relationships with them.