Family politics

Today’s Jam

After completing graduate school in the United States last year, my daughter decided to make aliyah. As a longtime Zionist, I am proud that she has decided to make Israel her home. However, I find her political choices disturbing. She recently joined a Jewish community on the West Bank that opposes any territorial concessions for peace. I strongly oppose this position. I believe it is detrimental to both Israelis and Palestinians, and contributes to larger negative dynamics both regionally and globally. Should I continue to support my daughter financially, as I do with her two older siblings who live in the US?

Udi Lion says…

In addressing this dilemma, the first issue to consider is shalom bayit, maintaining peaceful family relations. Since you have already decided to assist your eldest children with their finlionances, you run the risk of alienating your younger daughter and creating friction among your children. The book of Genesis is full of examples of destructive family dynamics; we should be very careful when it comes to issues of favoritism (real or perceived) and sibling rivalry. However, the needs of our children are often different from one another, and at times there is good reason to treat them differently, even if it causes them (and us) pain.

Without wading into the political debate about West Bank settlements, it is clear that in this case you consider your daughter’s choice to join her current community a serious moral failing. Here, the biblical precept of “do not place a stumbling block before the blind” comes into play (Lev. 19:14). Our sages apply this concept not only to those who are physically blind, but also to those who are ethically “blind” (see, for example, Maimonides’ commentary on Mishnah Shvi’it, ch. 5). One should not assist someone whose inclination leads them astray and unable to see the harm they are doing (or will do) to themselves.

Complicating matters further is your fear of the possibility that the money you give to your daughter might be used for ends that you consider not only harmful to her, but to others as well. In weighing all of these factors, I would recommend that you continue to support your daughter if the money is for her living needs. However, if your financial support will contribute directly to her or others in her community committing actions that you deem morally reprehensible, then you should withhold your assistance.

Udi Lion Udi Lion is Director of Special Programs at the Israeli Channel 2 commercial TV network, Keshet. He is the Executive Producer of the highly acclaimed film “Ushpizin” and of the hit TV series “Avodah Aravit” (Arab Labor). Udi is Co-Founder of the Ma’aleh School for Jewish Cinema and an instructor in Jewish studies and film at Alma and Sapir Colleges. A graduate of Mercaz Ha’Rav Kook, Udi also studied for an extended time with Rabbi Adin Steinzaltz.

Josh Feigelson says…

My colleague has offered some useful ways of approaching your dilemma. But I’d like to back up a step and examine a key assumption driving the question. You state that you support all of your adult children. Thus, the dilemma is whether, in singling out your youngest daughter living in Judea/Samaria, you are either betraying your parental responsibility or playing favorites. My question is: Why are you supporting your adult children?

In reflecting on this issue, Maimonides states that children are expected to support themselves fully by adulthood. In fact, he indicates that there are varying degrees of maturity among children, and some possess the intelligence and knowledge to do so at a younger age – “there is the child who is wise, discerning and knowledgeable at the age of 7, and there is the child who, even as old as 13, does not know business” (see “Laws of Sale,” Mishneh Torah, ch. 29, laws 4-8). Even if we were to extend the time a young person remains financially dependent beyond the period for which Maimonides argues, there need to be limits.

To reframe Udi Lion’s observation about placing a stumbling block before the blind, I would argue there is an aspect of lifnei iver in preventing adult children from becoming financially independent by enabling them to stay on the parental dole (in an ongoing fashion). If adulthood is about self-sufficiency and the ability to take responsibility for oneself – as signaled at a bar or bat mitzvah, where parents traditionally offer the thanksgiving blessing for being released from the responsibility for their child’s transgressions – then such regular support calls into question just how adult the adult children are.

Taking away this dimension of the question, I don’t think there’s much of a dilemma: parents are clearly free to make gifts to whomever they wish, on whatever basis they wish. That’s part of what being an adult is about. Of course, so is managing the intricacies of shalom bayit.

Josh Feigelson is founder and educational director of Ask Big Questions, an initiative of Hillel: The Foundation for Jewish Campus Life.