First Comes Respect; Then Comes Love

Respect: admiration felt or shown for someone or something that you believe has good ideas or qualities. [Cambridge Dictionary]

The Cambridge Dictionary sees “respect” basically as somebody who is impressed with another — and leaves it at that.

The Torah’s definition is of somebody who does something for the one he respects. For example, somebody who shows respect rises for a scholar, elderly person, his parents. He does not interrupt that person or even sit in his chair.

This week’s Torah portion, Vaetchnan, contains much about “respect,” often termed “fear,” as well as “love.” The object is G-d, but the Torah expands that to people. Respect represents an obligation: I study his words and follow his precepts. They are foremost on my mind.

Do not add to the word which I command you, nor diminish from it, to observe the commandments of the Lord your G-d which I command you. [Deuteronomy 4:2]

In the case of G-d, the Jew has it easy. The Children of Israel received the Torah on Mount Sinai with 613 commandments as well as infinite tradition and commentary. This keeps us busy for more than a lifetime. G-d makes it even easier by promising His people sustenance and security so that they can serve Him.

For the Lord your G-d is a merciful G-d; He will not let you loose or destroy you; neither will He forget the covenant of your fathers, which He swore to them. [Deuteronomy 4:31]

And so respect provides a safety net for its practitioner. Among humans, the greatest commandment of respect is for one’s parents. Children are told to listen to mother and father and ensure them the attention and support that anybody who brought children in the world deserves. The education level and piety of their elders play no role in the respect required of their sons and daughters.

Honor your father and your mother as the Lord your G-d commanded you, in order that your days be lengthened, and that it may go well with you on the land that the Lord, your G-d, is giving you. [Deuteronomy 5:16]

Notice Cambridge’s accent on “feelings,” sufficient to achieve the greatest of all human emotions. Again, the definition lacks action: All you have to do is say or think, “I love you.”

The Torah’s viewpoint differs completely. In Vaetchnan, love is a commitment of action. “I love you” is meaningless: As Bob Dylan puts it, “Love is a four-letter word.”

Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our G-d; the Lord is one. And you shall love the Lord, your G-d, with all your heart and with all your soul, and with all your means. [Deuteronomy 6:4-5]

You want to love? Then, take everything you’ve got and use it.

The one who focuses on the commandment of love for G-d is the Sifrei, an eclectic and mysterious collection of Midrashim dating from Rabbi Akiva and Rabbi Yishmael some 1,900 years ago. The Sifrei appears to have different viewpoints and even authorship whether in Numbers or Deuteronomy. But the tract forms the basis of much of the commentary of Rabbi Shlomo Yitzhaki, known as Rashi.

“What is love?” the Sifrei, quoted by Rashi, asks. “It is that these words [the commandments] shall be on your heart. And through this, you will come to recognize the Holy One, blessed be He, and cling to his ways.”

The Sifre continues that love is timeless. Those who love do not care of how old are G-d’s teachings or the commentators of the sages. On the contrary: The older the better, having survived the course of time.

They shall not appear to you as an antiquated edict that no one cares about, rather a new one, which everyone rushes to read. [Sifrei]

The first step is respect. Then comes love. If it’s the other way around, love will never gain respect. In real life, love without respect is abuse. Hence, the term “love-bombing,” or destroying somebody through words of love and actions of hate.

G-d respects human emotions: There is no commandment to love your parents. That’s not what’s required. What is required is to recognize their position and honor them through action and commitment. There is an obligation to “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” But that depends on the most troubling of questions: Do you love yourself?

With G-d, there is a commandment to love — but it comes after the foundation of honor and respect. At the start, you perform the commandments because, well, He’s a lot bigger than you. You take seriously the Almighty’s admonishments that this is necessary for life, land and prosperity. But as you sustain your commitment you begin to see the beauty of His Torah and His world. Then, you approach service to G-d with enthusiasm, affection — and yes, love. The rewards become secondary.

When you reach the level of love, you don’t throw away respect. There are times when G-d seems distant, his actions incomprehensible and even harsh. Like Job, we might even want to challenge the Almighty as to how he could punish His chosen ones.

But respect reminds us that we are not meant to debate G-d. His pay grade is a lot higher than ours, and as He reminded Job, nothing gets past Him. Then, as Moses does in this week’s portion, we intensify our prayer, our service and believe that we will eventually see the process as good. When the angels protested the Roman torture of Rabbi Akiva, asking “This is Torah, and this is its reward?” G-d hushed them, saying, “That’s how I planned it.”

Accepting that brings respect and love into one divine package.