Forgiving, forgetting and learning

It’s that time of year when we talk about repentance and forgiveness. A lot. Every time I’m on a webinar or in a class about forgiveness, someone always asks, “But what if I can forgive but I can’t forget?”

Forgiveness and forgetting are so different. The bridge between them, one we often overlook, is learning.

We forgive actions of other people frequently. Someone cuts in line ahead of us, our children forget to call, I break something. In our close relationships we know that we accept many behaviors that might bother us in other circumstances. In fact, forgiveness is an essential part of closeness. I must know you will still love me even if I disappoint you.

So there is forgiveness that simply avoids conflict (the person who pushes ahead in line but is ultimately unimportant) and forgiveness that solidifies relationships (the close friend who offers true support, but who wasn’t there when I wanted her – and the relationship matters enough for me to accept this).

But neither of these require that I forget. That’s where the learning is important.

We teach each other who we are through our behavior. When I harm another person, my behavior speaks much louder than my apology. Our tradition teaches us that true repentance only comes when, faced with the same circumstances, I behave in a better way. Repentance isn’t about saying I’m sorry. It’s about change.

Change doesn’t only happen in the atoner. Change also happens in the person harmed. We learn who the other is, and what we can and should expect of them. And this is why it’s not about forgetting.

Forgetting is denying myself the opportunity to learn. If we let each other down, if we cause each other harm, we should learn. My expectations of you should adapt – not out a sense of righteous indignation, but because I can learn. So next time I won’t expect more of you than you can offer. I won’t set you up to disappoint me.

We often use the word trust as though it is binary. Either I trust you or I don’t. Nonsense. I trust you with certain things but not with others. I trust you to be who you are, which will be different in different circumstances. When I need to forgive, the universe of what I trust you with should actually change. Trust can deepen and it can diminish. This is part of learning.

So don’t expect yourself to forget. Forgetting doesn’t happen when the stakes and the hurt are high. Our goal should be adaptation and growth, not forgetfulness. You can forgive, and you can learn.