From the river to the sea – actually?

This is the chant we are hearing on campuses across America. Ask the chanters, which river and which sea, the likelihood is, they won’t know. Of course, we know. What they are saying is that, from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean Sea, Palestine to be free. Free of what? Free of Jews. A Judenrein Palestine. This is what they chant. This is their greatest desire. But is it, really?

Let’s think this through. Let’s treat this like a sugya in the Gemorra, as Jews like to do.

The dear chanters, who have no idea which river or sea they’re chanting about, probably also don’t know how many people actually live here. Yes, we pride ourselves in being small. (smaller than Wales! The size of new jersey!), but whilst we’re no India in size, 7 million people is still a fair number.

So in this free Palestine of theirs, where, I wonder, do they suggest we go? They could kill us all. That is one option. The only problem with that, besides the obvious, is that, in another chant, they have made it clear that they don’t support genocide. So fortunately, that is off the table. Okay then. They’re just going to have to find us somewhere to go. All 7 million of us. (And we’re quite a noisy bunch).

But here there is another technical difficulty. Who would want us? I mean, there are 49 Muslim countries, none of which is interested in housing any number of the 2 million Gazans, who are also Muslim. So how on earth will they succeed in finding a host for 7 million Jews?

This technical issue might be quite a blow for the Free Palestine grand plan. But the chant did originate in the US, so let’s say we all emigrate to the US, in compliance with their wishes to free Palestine. But how long will that last for? They may want us gone from israei, but they don’t exactly like us. How long will it be until the chant changes to, from Texas to Tennessee, the US will be free!

They’re going to call for us to leave, but they’re not going to succeed in finding us anywhere to go. So perhaps they’ll leaf through the pages of history and get some inspiration from Hitler. He seems to have made quite an impression on them.

Well Hitler, who did not oppose genocide, had come up with some other ideas. One of which was deportation. Get them out of our land. Make our country Judenrein.

They could do that. Once we’ve landed in the US, to comply with their desire for a free Palestine, they will want us out. So we will have to find somewhere to go. They will ask the whole world who wants us and the whole world will say, not I.

In fact, the only place that will have us, would have to be a state that likes Jews, let’s say even a Jewish state.

So off we will go, packing our bags once more, to the shores of israel, the only country that actually wants us. It’s quite clever if you think about it. Turn israel into a jew ghetto large enough to host all of us. Get the Jews out of the countries that hate them and have them live amongst their own kind.

So here’s the good news. To the bleating sheep that blindly repeat stupid, rhyming chants, as if their campus is playing colour war – you may not have thought this through because you have succumbed to a culture that demands not an iota of critical thinking, but we have. Whilst you say words you don’t understand, and make groups that fly in the face of facts (queers for Palestine? Really? Best of luck with that one), we have done all the thinking for you. We’ve mapped out the possibilities and the eventualities whilst you were busy breaking your campus windows, and we’ve concluded that at the end of it all, you’re just going to want us to be here. So we’ll save both you and ourselves alot of time and bother, and just stay here anyway.

Which is a good thing really.

Because we’re not planning on going anywhere.

Wishing us a happy 76th and many many happy returns.

About the Author
Ilana Cowland is an educator, relationships coach, international lecturer and author of "The Moderately Anxious Everybody."