From War to Turbulence: Shalom Bayit Is At Stake

In recent weeks, Israeli society and especially our homelife has undergone a profound emotional upheaval. The war with Iran brought a roller coaster effect as fear, disruption, and a constant sense of daily threats have now given way to a new reality in an almost abrupt fashion —a ceasefire.

But the ceasefire has created its own set of qualms – as emotional turbulence has become a new state of upheaval with its own question mark of longevity. While the incessant sirens may be quieted, the uncertainty of the potential renewal comes with a new emotional price tag for those seeking some sense of normalcy and certainly within our homes.

The Hidden Attack on Shalom Bayit

One of the casualties of the recent war is the stress which couples have been under which has created its own inner attacks on our bastions of safety – our homes.

Couples have various forms of stress including:

• Increased irritability
• Shorter patience
• More frequent disagreements
• Emotional distance or numbness

And what we have experienced is that our fight or flight parts of our brain have continued to take control in many cases with the calm core often losing out to the more heightened state of alerts.

Sarno’s Approach to Calm the Turbulence

One of my favorite “Go TO” resources when my emotional tranquility has been challenged is to consult the late Dr. John Sarno’s mind-body approach.  The approach which I find illuminating is its focus on teaching that when emotions feel overwhelming or unsafe, they don’t disappear—they get redirected.

Among the emotions which are identified particularly prominent during the war include the following:

• Fear
• Helplessness
• Anger
• Uncertainty

What is fascinating to me is that these emotions tend to stay in an unconscious status and can easily be channeled into such forms of turmoil such as:

• Physical tension
• Anxiety
• Or interpersonal conflict

And in the case of the later – the interpersonal conflict – the result are clashes that seem to erupt without their actual source being identified or even processed.

How Do Couples Lower the Temperature on Potential Conflicts?

The most powerful shift couples can make right now is to consider adopting any of these recommendations for minimizing the emotional turbulence from the outside:

These recommendations incorporate Dr. Sarno’s principles for trauma – informed care and proven techniques for maintaining shalom Bayit.

1. Actively Put in Place Practices to Lower the Emotional Temperature

After war, the nervous system is easily triggered.

Couples should actively reduce stimulation as a defense to the nervous systems that have stayed on high alert:

• Speak more slowly and gently and at conducive times
• Avoid raising competing voices—even when frustrated
• Take breaks to reflect on appropriate responses before responding

A Shalom Bayit Principle:
Focus on the Tone (both in your verbal exchanges and in the context of emotional regulation) you Set as a Means of Maintaining Shalom Bayit

2. Focus on Creating Predictable Habits that Reflect Safety

War disrupts stability and tranquility. Healing requires restoring it.

Adopt some Simple anchors:

• Fixed times for meals and try to eat together as a family as often as possible
• A short daily check-in between couples
• Consistent sleep routines

3. Minimize Stress Infiltrators

Many couples are unknowingly re-triggering themselves:

• Constant obsessive negative news consumption
• Replaying disturbing events
• Discussing worst-case versus best- case scenarios
• Agree to avoid heavy discussions at night

4. Ensure that Moments of Connection become instituted

Couples need regular connections more often and constitute check ins versus long dialogues.

And vary the manner and venue for connections to include:

• Sitting together quietly maybe just holding hands
• Finding a convenient time for short walk
• Keeping the conversation on positive notes

Consistency matters more than intensity.

5. Keep the Emotional Turbulence to a Manageable Level

It is natural for each of the couple to react in different ways to the heightening state of anxiety from the war. What is important is that each of the couples is able to express their respective concerns with an empathetic partner and one who will validate the emotions and not criticize the other. Knowing that each is “there for the other” is the most important gift during these uncertain times.

Across the Board Recommendations

 The list of recommendations stated above actually can be applied regardless of the stage of marital status and are intended to serve as a springboard for each couple to innovate ways to keep emotional turbulence from derailing what is of critical importance these days – preserving Shalom Bayit.

The Prescription for Shalom Bayit 

It is clear that any semblance of Shalom Bayit will require the active participation of couples and a flexible approach for making adjustments for reacting to the changing political landscape.

But one thing is clear and that is our commitment to Peace in the Home requires a positive attitude and the recognition that as long as we keep our internal homes as the maximum shelters for emotional harmony, we can combat our new reality with resolve and determination and look forward to a bright future.