FRUM GUIDE: Brachot & How to Look Good with Kavanah

It is all about Kavanah

Say Brachot out loud. This will have them thinking you want to share your Mitzvot. Only do this if you already know how to pronounce the ‘chet’ and ‘chaf,’ and know how to properly use the ‘es’ sound wherever you can. A ‘chet’ and ‘chaf’ pronounced without the ‘ch’ sound. And need I say, without the ‘et’ sound, you apikores who thinks that a ‘chet’ is pronounced without a ‘es’ at the end.
Even if you are chilling with old friends, who only knew you when you did not have a Hebrew name, do whatever you can out loud. Start forcing them to say ‘Amen’ to your new religious fascination. It is good practice.
It doesn’t make a difference that your friends already hate you for turning religious and knowing that you are better than them. Something you have made clear to them by the natural looks of disgust and judgement you have developed over your time committed to frum. Techniques which you have learned to strategically place in the middle of conversation, while your friend is sharing an intimate experience with you, in confidence and trust. This hate is fine. Remember, they are apikorsim for only keeping kosher. Oy. Now, it is time to share the fact that you also bless Gd for your food, making you even better.
Keep in mind that the look of disgust should be placed right when they are sharing the most intimate and innocent part of their story. When you have them in that place where they feel secure and comforted by you, that is when you say, ‘Oy. I can’t believe you would do such a thing.’ That is when they start feeling guilty about talking with a non-Jew and doing business. Make them feel real bad about making a living and not trusting in H’ enough to provide for their family by learning Torah. They will then do a lot of thinking and wake up the next day, thinking you are a nasty idiot, and this way they will never be there to blow your cover in the frum community.
Remember, your friends and who you talk to, are people you are in touch with.

Another good technique to use, other than volume, is the closing of the eyes technique. Closing your eyes makes it look like you have kavanah (proper intention- you non-believing apikores who crosses the street with looking both ways). This also the reason why I go outside when it is very sunny and look in the direction of the sun. Closing your eyes also helps you not have to see the bothered look on other people’s faces for your thankfulness to H.’
You are supposed to make at least one hundred Brachot a day (If you don’t already know what Brachot means, it is blessings you apikoreset who thinks that you deserve the new dress). Say a bracha on everything. And, yes, even the new dress you don’t deserve. Bless H’ for making it a day. Bless H’ for the new dress. Bless H’ that you have parents that support your new crusade in Torah learning. Somebody has to support your new commitment to frumkite, for you to be frum. And no parent likes to see their child starving. That is also a reason to not eat off your parents’ dishes.
If you have frum parents, you are frum by association and your ability to naturally throw in the word ‘aynikul’ into any conversation. And thus, you do not have to worry about kavanah when saying a brachot. You already caught the mistake and know that only an apikores would not call them brachas.

Asides from closing your eyes, other ways to outdo your competition is with a strong sway. There are different kinds of sways. There is a step forward, backward style. There is the side to side. There is the pacing. I say mix them all and go crazy with it. The more possessed you look, the more connected you are. If you hit somebody all the better. That is the one reason to really grow out your payis (side curls- you Chasidic heretic who thinks you should be drinking right now without a black hat). This is a good follow up on whacking somebody with Tallis strings. This makes others aware that you are frum. There is no point in swaying, closing your eyes, pacing, and yelling out a bracha on a sunny day in the park, if you are not drawing any attention. For this reason, it is also good to smack a table and yell out ‘Ya’aleh vYavo.’ It always sounds good to let everybody know there is a new month at some point.
And do not forget: off-harmony singing is very important. Singing to a tune and a beat is asur. So do the permitted thing and grown and yawn wherever you can in any song. And do not, never, sing in shule. Do not be an embarrassment. Any tune can be created to your bracha, as you are doing it. Grown and as you are yawning, go as hi as you can with your voice. It won’t just be a bracha, you will also have created a new Jewish song.

Which Brachot for what? Good question. I have no idea.
What do they mean? I have a question for you. Do you not have enough emunah (faith- you meaning searching apostate) to not do it Lishma? And now you want to know what Lishma means? You should be ashamed.

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.