Ham, Shem or Love Syndrome in Marriage? Which One?

When you look at your spouse, what do you see first—the shortcomings that frustrate you or the gifts that enrich your life?

A fascinating lesson from this week’s Torah portion – Parshat Noach, illuminated by the teachings of the Baal Shem Tov, offers Jewish couples a powerful choice.

Two Brothers, Two Syndromes

After the Flood, Noah became intoxicated and lay exposed in his tent. His son Ham saw his father’s embarrassing condition and told his brothers. Shem, together with Yefet, responded differently. They covered their father while carefully protecting his dignity.

Their contrasting responses offer two approaches to marriage:

The Ham Syndrome: Focusing on another person’s faults, magnifying shortcomings, and overlooking their positive qualities.

The Shem Syndrome: Recognizing imperfections without allowing them to overshadow a person’s dignity and worth.

Now consider our marriages.

How often do we remember a forgotten anniversary but overlook years of devotion? Notice an irritating habit but take daily acts of kindness for granted?

What we choose to notice can either strengthen our marriage or gradually weaken it.

Introducing the Love and Harmony Syndrome

Why stop with Ham and Shem?

What if we developed our own marriage syndrome—one that goes beyond overlooking shortcomings to actively celebrating the gifts we have been given in our spouses?

Let’s call it the Love and Harmony Syndrome—a conscious commitment to appreciating our spouse, nurturing our relationship, and creating new opportunities for happiness together.

Here are five ways to begin.

Five Marriage Challenges

1. Rediscover the Gifts. Identify three qualities that first attracted you to your spouse. Which of those gifts still enriches your marriage today? Tell your spouse!
2. Change Your Lens. The next time an irritating habit catches your attention, consciously recall something wonderful about your spouse. Don’t allow one imperfection to eclipse the whole person.
3. Make Appreciation Unexpected. Surprise your spouse with a specific compliment about something you ordinarily take for granted. Make being noticed a gift in itself.
4. Revisit Your Best Moments. Recall a time when you felt especially close. What made that moment special? Plan one new experience that rekindles that feeling.
5. Create Your Marriage Signature. Together, complete this sentence: “We want our marriage to be known for ______.” Choose one action this week that brings your shared vision closer to reality.

Which Syndrome Will You Choose?

Ham saw a shortcoming. Shem saw a person whose dignity deserved protection.

But we can go one step further.

The Ham Syndrome focuses on what’s wrong. The Shem Syndrome protects what’s precious. The Love and Harmony Syndrome celebrates what’s right—and makes it even better.

Of course, appreciating our spouse never means excusing hurtful behavior. Genuine shalom bayit requires mutual respect, accountability, and a willingness to change.

Marriage is not simply about accepting the person we married. It is about continuing to discover their gifts, nurturing the love we share, and creating a future worth celebrating.

Why settle for a marriage that merely survives when, together, we can help it thrive?

Together in Happiness (B’Yachad B’Osher) promotes Jewish marriage education and enrichment, helping couples develop the skills to build stronger, happier, and more harmonious marriages. Listen to our Building Jewish Marriages podcast for more practical inspiration.