Hands Off, Hearts On: Emotional Deposits Matter

Can a husband and wife actually grow closer when physical touch is prohibited?

In my earlier blog, What Noah and Naamah Taught Us about Intimacy, I reflected on how Noah and his wife maintained their partnership aboard the ark despite the enormous pressures they faced and, according to our sages, the prohibition against marital intimacy during the Flood.

Their experience raises a question relevant to every marriage: When physical intimacy isn’t possible, how do we keep love and closeness alive?

For observant Jewish couples, this question is especially relevant during niddah, the period when physical intimacy and certain forms of touch are prohibited under the laws of Taharat HaMishpacha (Jewish family purity). These laws govern periods of marital separation and reunion, including immersion in a mikveh, or ritual bath.

But the lesson extends well beyond religious observance. Illness, distance, aging, and life’s unexpected challenges can also limit physical intimacy.

Physical separation need not mean emotional separation. In fact, it can invite us to discover another dimension of intimacy.

Five Ways to Build Intimacy Beyond Touch

Marriage educators offer practical skills that help couples nurture emotional closeness, even when physical affection is unavailable.

• Speak your love. Drawing on Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages, express affection through appreciation, encouragement, quality time, and thoughtful gestures. Ask, “What makes you feel especially loved?”
• Listen to connect. Stephen R. Covey, in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, teaches us to seek first to understand. Give your spouse your undivided attention. Ask questions instead of assuming you know the answers.
• Make emotional deposits. Covey’s Emotional Bank Account, also explored in The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, reminds us that kindness, honesty, appreciation, and keeping promises build trust. Make one meaningful deposit every day.
• Turn toward each other. Dr. John Gottman’s research, presented in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, highlights the importance of responding to a spouse’s everyday attempts at connection. A conversation, a shared laugh, or genuine interest can strengthen friendship and intimacy.
• Create a daily connection ritual. Set aside ten uninterrupted minutes to ask, “How are you really doing?” or “What can I do to make your day better?” Listen, appreciate, and reconnect.

Covey emphasizes building trust through emotional deposits; Gottman’s research demonstrates how everyday responses strengthen connection. Different approaches, but a shared lesson: Emotional intimacy grows through the small things we do consistently.

The Marriage Challenge: Closeness Without Touch

Consider three meaningful ways to make your spouse feel loved without physical touch:

A kind word. An act of generosity. A heartfelt conversation.

Then ask one another: “What helped us feel closer?”

And don’t stop when physical intimacy resumes. Carry those habits forward.

Beyond Physical Intimacy: Building an Exceptional Marriage

Physical intimacy is a precious part of marriage. But it is not the only way two people can experience closeness.

There is also the intimacy of being understood. Of feeling appreciated. Of knowing that your spouse cares about your happiness, listens to your concerns, and stands beside you through life’s challenges.

These expressions of love don’t depend on physical touch. They depend on how we treat one another.

And this is where marriage education can make an extraordinary difference.

At Together in Happiness, we believe that exceptional marriages are not simply the result of good fortune or good intentions. They are built through learning and practicing skills that deepen trust, strengthen friendship, improve communication, and nurture mutual respect.

When both spouses invest in these skills, they can discover a different, equally meaningful dimension of intimacy — one that complements physical closeness and enriches their entire relationship.

The real opportunity isn’t simply to remain connected when we cannot touch. It’s to build a marriage in which we continue to touch one another’s hearts — every day.

And that is the foundation of a truly harmonious and exceptional marriage.