Heteropessimism & Heterofatalism–Is It Really All Men’s Fault?

​It’s one thing to point out the very real challenges modern women face in dating. It’s quite another to say it’s all his fault.

Much is being written about “heteropessimism”/“heterofatalism”–modern first world women’s frustration and disappointment when dating men. In much of this discussion, when a man is not ​sufficiently interested in a particular woman, or is ​not making enough of an effort to court​ or please this woman, the problem is men, full stop​. Remarkably, the possibility that a woman’s actions, or attitude, or expectations could be part of the problem is seldom discussed.

For example, in Sex After 60 in Sag Harbor, author Candace Bushnell​ is negative about practically every man she and her friends meet. In 5,500 words about her and their dating lives, we hear not one “good guy but we just weren’t compatible” or “good guy, bad timing.” And certainly not a single “good guy–wish I hadn’t screwed it up.”

When a man Bushnell dated briefly has a new relationship, she informs us ​only that ​his new girlfriend “had found someone to help pay the bills and fill up her time.” After all, what else could he have to offer?

Because Bushnell feels these men are not sufficiently interested in dating women ​her age–“the odds of a woman finding a partner after 60 are not particularly good”, she tells us–the men​ are written off entirely. Whatever they have done in their long, eventful lives–advanced the cause of medicine or science, succeeded in business and became philanthropists, devoted themselves to educating youth, served honorably in the military, been devoted fathers and grandfathers–is of no account. 

These harsh rules appear to only go one way–Bushnell herself makes it clear that she is still “attracted to the same age of man I was attracted to 30, 40, or even 50 years ago: guys ranging in age from 21 to 50-ish.” When women want younger partners, as is now a trend, that’s fine–desire for more youthful partners is only a moral failing in men.

To be fair, in a culture which often revolves around women’s youth and beauty, one can sympathize with the sentiments of a woman who feels she no longer fits in. Yet younger women considered to be at the apex of their attractiveness seem similarly aggrieved. 

For example, singer Sabrina Carpenter and actress Emily Ratajkowski–both rich and beautiful, both making it ​very clear that they’re having a lot of sex–nonetheless speak very negatively about men and dating. 

In Carpenter’s hit song “Man Child”, she describes a man she’s dating–“Stupid/Or is it slow?/Maybe it’s useless?” and “Half your brain just ain’t there.” 

In “Espresso”, she tells us “I got this one boy, and he won’t stop callin’” but as to why this particular gentleman doesn’t suffice, she explains, “I can’t relate to desperation.” No, I don’t imagine she can. 

Is there any sympathy for this lovesick young man who wants her and wants to make her happy? No–“My give-a-f***s are on vacation.” In the song’s video, she looks at a group of young men and sums up her view of every man we see with one word—“stupid.”

In Ratajkowski’s “Sex as a single mom”, she​ details her new dating life and, similarly to Bushnell, in 4,000 words, ​she fails to portray a single man in a positive manner. While she must have men falling all over themselves to please her, somehow, for her, there seems not an ounce of joy in any of it. 

One guy, after dating and having sex with Ratajkowski for three weeks, tells her he loves her. It’s not hard to imagine ​a man doing that, but this smitten gentleman has screwed up​.

None of them seem to offer Ratajkowski anything worthwhile–they’re not interesting, they can’t please her in bed, ​and they can’t make her happy​. In fact, nothing seems to. 

Today’s man gets little understanding even from women ​who put themselves forward as sympathetic. Cultural critic Phoebe Maltz Bovy promoted her new book The Last Straight Woman: On Desiring Men as a desirable Father’s Day gift. Writing in opposition to claims ​from some women’s advocates that women date and marry men largely out of coercion or resignation instead of actual desire, Maltz Bovy asserts that most women are straight, and that their straightness is generally immutable. She says she wants to “reclaim man-needing as a feminist pursuit.” So far so good.

Maltz Bovy quotes contemporary women writers and their endless list of gripes about men but, despite the often monumental one-sidedness of their views, she seldom pushes back. For her, the problem is not that ​women’s advocates ​or women in general are overcritical of men, it’s that straight women, biologically condemned to want men, should not be ​viewed negatively for desiring these unworthy creatures. 

In a piece that came out on Father’s Day, she wrote, “Maybe we shouldn’t like men, but on the whole, we do.” Not exactly rousing affirmation.

​Women may gain momentary satisfaction from assuring each other that the problem is him, not her, but overall it damages their dating lives, prospects for marriage, marriages, and futures. Why? Because these circumstances largely preclude men from communicating honestly, thus preventing women from getting reliable information about their relationships. 

In essayist Jean Garnett’s The Trouble With Wanting Men, for example, she and three friends mock a man she’s dating for telling her “I was really looking forward to seeing you again, but I’m going through some intense anxiety today and need to lay low.” We don’t know why he was feeling this way–for all we know, he just found out he has cancer–but just the anxiety is enough to condemn him. 

Garnett doesn’t ask herself why he might not want to see her–instead she convenes her war council, friends who obligingly and enthusiastically “support” her by agreeing with her that it’s all his fault. This just for canceling a date–how bad would it be if he had confronted her about something she’s doing that bothers him, or something in the relationship that he wanted changed?

If a couple is dating and the man is unhappy or concerned about something​ in the relationship, the ​modern “blame the man” ethos often makes it difficult for him to tell her or to have an honest conversation. If a man can’t get the woman to consider his perspective, or feels it’s useless to try, at a certain point all he can do is give her some anodyne explanation and break up. At which point he becomes yet another man who selfishly–​”narcissistically”–ditched her. He’s bad, it’s his fault, end of discussion.

As a veteran of 31 years of a…um, mostly peaceful marriage, I can say that when there’s a conflict or a problem, the most useful thing you can do is to look at yourself and your behavior. Not because you’re wrong (or right), but because that’s how to resolve problems and get the relationship moving forward. 

Ladies, you’re correct, there is a real dysfunction in modern relationships, and men are part of the problem. You are too.