It is funny what the mind remembers.
In high school, I did not many friends. I thought I was a nice person and did not understand why people did not want to be friends with me.
I was made fun of A LOT. the way I looked, the way I walked, the way I talked…everyday by multiple people. I heard everything they said about me. “Look at how she dresses. Look at her hair…why does she slouch when she walks. What is wrong with her.”
The truth was I could not speak about what was happening to me, and it made me not talk to people. You don’t make friends if you don’t talk.
I would go home and cry in my room, but I hid it from my parents. There was nothing wrong with them…it was me. That is what my immature mind said. “No one would care if you died..No one would mourn you. You should just kill yourself.” It is terrible what your own mind says to you.
The night I attempted to kill myself was New Year’s Eve. Everyone else had parties to go to. But no one invited me. As I sat there l, I decided to just end it all because no one cared anyway. I took half a bottle of aspirin. It did nothing. I only threw up and had ringing in my ears. I could not even do that right. I felt like a failure. I never told my parents. And I had very few friends and did not want to make them hate me.
Now that I am older and wiser, I realize that there was nothing wrong with me. There was something wrong with the people I went to high school with. They were the messed up ones.
I have also learned that who someone is in high school is NOT who they will be as an adult. I am not the scared child wondering what was wrong with me. And the students are not bullies. I am actually friends with most of them now. Amazing how life works. I forgave them and I forgave myself.
***If you are feeling depressed and suicidal, PLEASE FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO. YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND THE WORLD NEEDS YOU.***