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Avi Baumol

How to Say I’m Sorry

Every year, I fall into the same trap during the 10 Days of Repentance: I succeed in ramping up my ‘Man v. God laws’ by studying a bit more Torah, going to shul more than usual, being diligent in berachot, etc., but I fail in my ‘Man v. Man laws’ of asking forgiveness, at least fail to engage in it sincerely. It just seems a bit contrived. After all, the scene tends to play out in a few ways, each of them lacking:

1.I might say to someone: ‘you may not remember but I did something to you in the past, do you forgive me?’ The person will want to know what exactly transpired, at which point embarrassment takes over and I retreat.

2. I might privately or publicly recall the horrible thing I said about or did to that person which would cause as much pain as the first time, or more.

3. I will most likely give a perfunctory ‘please forgive me IF I did anything to you this past year’ line. That usually results in a ‘sure’ and a request for reciprocity in the forgiveness quotient. ‘Sure, I forgive you too’.

Shallow.

None of these scenarios elicit the soul-searching, transformative, experience I hoped to achieve during this season. They don’t embody the Maimonidean description of the ideal pennant: “From the paths of Teshuva is that the returnee cries out to God constantly, with tears and supplications, and to engage in justice with all his might, and remove himself exceedingly from the sin, change his name, saying I am no longer that person, attempting to change course and follow the righteous path” (Mishne Torah, Teshuva 2:4).

In the 21st century, scientists began to explore the art of the apology, creating studies to gauge the parameters of an ideal ‘sorry’. Dr. Karina Schumann, a social psychologist out of the University of Pittsburgh, and creator of the Conflict Resolution Lab, studies apologies and the best way a transgressor can approach their victim and attempt to make amends.

She believes that apologies are the ‘superglue of life’, showing concern about another person, and maintaining relationships. Her conflict resolution lab aims to “identify the psychological barriers that transgressors and victims face when deciding how to respond to each other. For example, what stands in the way of a transgressor offering a heartfelt apology that has the power to mend a valued relationship? What moves a victim towards forgiveness rather than revenge?”

While Schumann acknowledges that there is no exact formula for the ideal apology, she suggests that the most important ingredient is sincerity. Components in the apology must include words of ‘I’m sorry’ which acknowledge guilt and remorse, as well as accountability and taking responsibility for the offense. People tend to forget to empathize with the victim by not acknowledging the harm they caused to the other person. Saying ‘I see how much this has hurt you or inconvenienced you’ is also an important aspect of the apology. The victim is validated in their feelings of being hurt, insulted, and wronged by the offender.

A common unsuccessful apology is to say, ‘I’m sorry you were hurt’, or ‘I’m sorry if you felt slighted’ as it does not accept responsibility and lacks any empathy. When you shift blame onto the victim you are defeating the purpose of the apology. The victim is hurt and the power of an apology is much more than simple words; rather, it represents a true authentic desire to reconnect.

Benjamin Ho, behavioral economist at Vassar College, wrote about how apologies need to be ‘costly’ to be effective. One way is called a ‘status apology’ where you acknowledge your incompetence in the face of the person to whom you wronged: ‘I’m sorry, that was completely idiotic of me’. If done sincerely one incurs a cost of their reputation by admitting their foolishness. Another type of cost is when you perform a ‘commitment apology’, stating that ‘I messed up, I know what I did was wrong, and I want you to hold me to a higher standard’. By doing this I am committing myself to acting better towards my friend.

All this is true, yet sometimes it is hard to apologize, because the victim is not there, either passed away or vanished into the ether. What then?

Concerning the case of a victim who passes away, the 19th century scholar Rabbi Shlomo Ganzfried in his epic work ‘Kitzur Shulchan Aruch’, writes: “If the wronged person has died, the offender should gather ten men at his grave, and say, “I have sinned against the God of Israel and against this man” and they respond, “You are forgiven, you are forgiven, you are forgiven.” He should walk barefoot, and spell out in detail the nature of the offense, unless it is humiliating to the dead… If he insulted a dead person he does not have to go to his grave, but he should ask for his forgiveness at the place where he insulted him. But if he had defamed his character, he must accept upon himself to repent, for transgressing the prohibition of the early sages, against slandering the dead.”

Another year passes and once again contemplate my past actions, attempt to find the right words to rectify my past year’s offenses, and continue to seek wisdom, ancient and modern, to find the ideal way to say I’m sorry and to truly make amends with others, God and myself.

About the Author
Rabbi Avi Baumol has served Jewish communities around the world as rabbi, educator, author, and leader. After 11 years as the rabbi in Krakow, Poland, Rabbi Baumol has returned home and is teaching Torah in Midreshet Torah Ve'Avoda in Jerusalem. He graduated Yeshiva University and Bernard Revel Graduate School with an MA in Medieval JH. He is a musmach of RIETS and studied at Yeshivat Har Etzion in Alon Shevut. He served as a rabbi in Vancouver British Columbia for five years. Rabbi Baumol is the author of "The Poetry of Prayer" Gefen Publishing, 2010, .He also co-authored a book on Torah with his daughter, Techelet called 'Torat Bitecha'. As well, he is the Editor of the book of Psalms for The Israel Bible--https://theisraelbible.com/bible/psalms. In summer 2019 Rabbi Baumol published "In My Grandfather's Footsteps: A Rabbi's Notes from the Frontlines of Poland's Jewish Revival". In 2023 he published Parshology: Encountering the World through the Weekly Parsha and in 2024 his most recent book, 'God, Man and Time: An Introduction to the Jewish calendar and its Holidays
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