How to say ‘No’ to children

This is important to know for all past-childhood people

I could not find 1 YouTube clip about saying No to kids that I agreed with.

I’m talking about stopping a child from hurting itself, you, or their relationship with others. NB: Making grownups uncomfortable is OK.

Saying No is part of preventing contributing to the emergence of a spoiled brat, one of the worst outcomes of childhood.

You’re allowed to say, ‘With what I know about the world and you, I cannot agree. That’s my responsibility as someone who wants the best for you. You are allowed to make different choices when you care for minors.’

Ask the nicest people around what role No played in their childhood. Ask the people with the largest egos what role No played in their childhood.

Children become insufferable adults never from receiving too much love but always from not hearing enough No’s.

Sometimes, adults are overly permissive because they had overly stern parents, or they feel guilty for not being perfect all the time. Don’t rob your child of beneficial guidelines because of your traumas or sufferings.

Don’t just say No all the time not to be bothered. If you can’t handle the kid(s), ask kind others to help you.

A No should not be part of a rapid-fire of Nos, all day long. Be at least ten times more encouraging than discouraging. Don’t ruin their youth. ‘Catch your children doing something right.’ – Miriam Adahan.

A No should not be to control the child but to help it guide itself in a complex and sometimes dangerous world for its good. (Instead of saying No all the time, make your home kid-safe.)

Don’t say No as an authority: ‘This is forbidden.’ Make it personal, so that it can be argued (later): ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’

Be firm, but don’t be a dictator, and don’t threaten: ‘If you don’t listen, …’ Fear is not a reliable building block because it hurts and erodes. It also teaches to only obey when you are around. You don’t need obedience.

Listen to your child’s confusion when it says that sometimes it’s Yes and sometimes No. You seek them to gain understanding, not blind obedience.

You don’t want to raise a docile, obedient adult and not an always disagreeable grownup. You want them to have their own opinion and be able to negotiate good solutions for everyone, cooperating as a team.

When a child ignores your No, as an emergency measure, remove them from danger or hurting themselves or others. But later ask why your No was not enough. Don’t get indignant or defensive, and first give empathy: ‘You really felt …?’ ‘Empathy before education.’ – Marshall Rosenberg.

‘One should learn to say No as if one hands someone the moon’ – Harvey Jackins. The No is to help the person. It can be said with a slight smile and a twinkle in the eye. Try humor that’s funny to the child. We’re into raising kids, not breaking them. Let your Nos be as constructive as your Yesses.

Many assume that saying No damages a child and your relationship—especially if the reaction is tears. Yet, the opposite is true.

Tears heal disappointment. After the tears, we are recalibrated to the new reality.

Sometimes, when we don’t let children cry when they need to, they deliberately ‘are naughty’ to provoke a No so that the grownup will ‘understand’ why they then cry.

The message we send when we don’t stop a child when it would be in order for them is not boundless love but the opposite, that we don’t care and don’t respect them!

A hint for the religious among us: G^d also says No to us, while His love for us is without limit.

A No should never be the last word. Friendly and warmly, always listen to the child’s reply—tears, protests. ‘Explaining a No’ comes after the tears.

If you can’t listen now, promise: ‘We’ll talk about it later.’ Don’t forget that commitment. Begin with empathy: ‘How was it for you when I said No?’

We may not understand why a child wants to do something we can’t agree with. Ask! There might be an acceptable alternative. ‘A little’ instead of nothing.

If you said No and the child wrestles from you the admission that you were wrong to say No, admit having made a mistake. It raises their awe for you!

Teach the child that even an absolute No can still be temporary. ‘Don’t make noise now. Everyone is quiet, and we are not more important.’

They don’t need to be your children. They can be your students, or neighbors’ kids, or younger siblings, etc.

It helps when you know the child and the child has a relationship with you. You could be more permissive with a timid child—less so with a wild child.

Do not manipulate a child so that it doesn’t feel that they can’t get what they requested. Every white lie reduces closeness and self-confidence.

It’s so hard for most adults to learn better ways. Help a human when they are still flexible and eager to learn.

Suggest to overly permissive educators that they have an option to say No.

Agree with your child that it’s OK to have requested things from you, also when your answer may be No, and that you have a right to disagree.

It is OK to say, ‘I won’t agree, but you can be angry with me for that.’

Allow the child to say No to you too. And listen very attentively when they say why. ‘We are raised three times in our lives: once by our parents, once by our spouses, and once by our children.’ – My Grandfather L.K. Nieweg.

Before you decide that a child is ‘stubborn,’ make sure to check if it’s not the other way around.

There is no need to play the non-stop judge over children in your care. You can say, ‘I like it,’ instead of, ‘This is good.’ You can say, ‘Try to work it out between the two of you,’ instead of you having to rule what’s most fair.

Everyone deserves empathy rather than blame, shame, or fear.

_____

You may find more controversial writings on Amazon or my own blog.

About the Author

MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. * As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. * This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2000 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe too, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. * Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. * Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. * He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. * He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. * His newest books you may find here: https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3AMoshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&s=relevancerank&text=Moshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1